I think Obama getting another term is a foregone conclusion unless something HUGE happens. That being said my friend Chris says the GOP should put Palin up just for laughs. Funny thought but.... I say if we're going to go for "aw fuck it" picks..... let's get creative.
- 2 gays guys. change the mascot during the campaign to a pink elephant.
- 2 firefighters or soldiers. one from NY the other from Boston. theme of "if we can set aside our differences so can you"
- Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. let's go for the hottest looking ticket.
- 2 porn stars. theme "if you're going to elect someone who's going to fuck people and suck up.... let's get real professionals!!"
- James Earl Jones and Morgan Freeman. It'll be better than Obama. Black, but even MORE pleasant to listen to the speeches. Since being all talk is all the rage in Presidents now.
- Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Honestly, no matter who the GOP puts up these guys are far better.
- The Rock and Stone Cold. theme of "fight you for it"
- Jeff Foxworthy and Rodney Carrington. theme of "if the right is going to be called redneck hillbillies no matter what, let's get guys that are hilarious."
- Samuel L Jackson and John Travolta. or.... Ving Rhames and Bruce Willis.
- Christopher Walken and Will Farrell. chris does all the talking, will follows him around with a cowbell.
Showing posts with label lists. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lists. Show all posts
Saturday, May 07, 2011
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Bugging me
I find there's things that bug me. They probably shouldn't but they do.
keyboard typing - occasionally at work when it's real quiet I hear a coworker clacking away on his keyboard and all i can hear is the keys click click click...... i dunno why but it bugs the shit out of me. it shouldn't. i'm sitting at a keyboard almost literally every minute that i'm not asleep.
kids - most people find kids adorable. either because they do or they have them and don't have a choice. not me. i find kids to be annoying as hell. draw whatever conclusions you like, doesn't matter to me, i still don't like being around them.
women who seem perfect - this one might need some explaination. i mean the girl in your class that sits nearby every day. the waitress at the bar who laughs at your stupid jokes and always has a smile. the random stranger you see and can't get out of your head for hours after she leaves. they're all girls who you like to see yourself with because you don't really know anything about them. it's like a blank piece of paper you can write any story into. you sit there and visualize the dozens of scenarios you sweep them off their feet. it's perfect. you don't have to deal with the crushing reality of them having a husband/boyfriend. you don't have to find out they love everything you hate. it bugs me because it's nothing but a whole lotta "what might have been". seems like that's all i get nowadays and i hate it.
unavoidable internet advertising - pop ups. giant banners that automatically expand at the top of the site. anything that produces noise. congrats on successfully getting me to not buy your product.
the republican party 2011 - there are several ways to describe them. i told my boy Joe that they're a party whose reach exceeds their grasp. pointing out that Obama was a giant mistake and offering a few suggestions on how to get spending under control just wasn't good enough. nope. they demand all or nothing. it's time to get broad sweeping changes. you wanna know what the biggest story in them is? "how are they going to lose the 2012 election". because they are. i can see it now. this is a party without direction. without a leader. a party who tried to out-crazy the democrats in 2008. you guys don't get it do you? DROP THE CHURCH. so so many people would flock to you if you did. probably all the independants and even a lot of democrats. oh well.
keyboard typing - occasionally at work when it's real quiet I hear a coworker clacking away on his keyboard and all i can hear is the keys click click click...... i dunno why but it bugs the shit out of me. it shouldn't. i'm sitting at a keyboard almost literally every minute that i'm not asleep.
kids - most people find kids adorable. either because they do or they have them and don't have a choice. not me. i find kids to be annoying as hell. draw whatever conclusions you like, doesn't matter to me, i still don't like being around them.
women who seem perfect - this one might need some explaination. i mean the girl in your class that sits nearby every day. the waitress at the bar who laughs at your stupid jokes and always has a smile. the random stranger you see and can't get out of your head for hours after she leaves. they're all girls who you like to see yourself with because you don't really know anything about them. it's like a blank piece of paper you can write any story into. you sit there and visualize the dozens of scenarios you sweep them off their feet. it's perfect. you don't have to deal with the crushing reality of them having a husband/boyfriend. you don't have to find out they love everything you hate. it bugs me because it's nothing but a whole lotta "what might have been". seems like that's all i get nowadays and i hate it.
unavoidable internet advertising - pop ups. giant banners that automatically expand at the top of the site. anything that produces noise. congrats on successfully getting me to not buy your product.
the republican party 2011 - there are several ways to describe them. i told my boy Joe that they're a party whose reach exceeds their grasp. pointing out that Obama was a giant mistake and offering a few suggestions on how to get spending under control just wasn't good enough. nope. they demand all or nothing. it's time to get broad sweeping changes. you wanna know what the biggest story in them is? "how are they going to lose the 2012 election". because they are. i can see it now. this is a party without direction. without a leader. a party who tried to out-crazy the democrats in 2008. you guys don't get it do you? DROP THE CHURCH. so so many people would flock to you if you did. probably all the independants and even a lot of democrats. oh well.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Specific things I miss about being in a relationship
I was going to assign a number of things but decided not to limit myself. This is another one of those "putting my thoughts into words on the blog" posts. It's mostly for me and it's not done to solicit pity or comments of "advice".
here goes....
1 - regular sex. let's get the obvious out of the way.
2 - enjoying a woman's body. by this i don't mean sex. if you can believe that. what i mean is, waking up in the middle of the night and spending an hour or two watching her sleep as you gently run your fingers thru her hair. i mean laying on the couch rubbing her tummy. i mean the taste of her lips and the smell of her hair. Watching water cascade all over her in the shower. I'm talking about having a good time taking in the beauty of the Louvre instead of riding the rides at Six Flags.
3 - gal on my arm pride. "nice girlfriend jimmy, she's cute." like it or not, we're judged by the company we keep and like it or not we also love/hate the approval of others. some people need the approval of a lot and some just a few. i think we can all agree that no matter who's approval we NEED, it's always nice to get it from anyone. i'm a guy and i'm not immune from the need to feed my ego.
4 - feeling "needed". call it, fulfilling that primal urge to be the man. to be the protector or provider. being the one who says "i got this babe".
5 - flirting safely. this probably falls more under "things i hate about dating". i like flirting. i love tossing out sexual inneundo. i hate having to wonder if i pushed my luck or went over the line. it's just annoying. i like being able to toss out lines knowing it isn't going to cost me the chance to get in the girl's pants. i like it being what it's meant to be.... fun.
anyways, i might come back and update this.
here goes....
1 - regular sex. let's get the obvious out of the way.
2 - enjoying a woman's body. by this i don't mean sex. if you can believe that. what i mean is, waking up in the middle of the night and spending an hour or two watching her sleep as you gently run your fingers thru her hair. i mean laying on the couch rubbing her tummy. i mean the taste of her lips and the smell of her hair. Watching water cascade all over her in the shower. I'm talking about having a good time taking in the beauty of the Louvre instead of riding the rides at Six Flags.
3 - gal on my arm pride. "nice girlfriend jimmy, she's cute." like it or not, we're judged by the company we keep and like it or not we also love/hate the approval of others. some people need the approval of a lot and some just a few. i think we can all agree that no matter who's approval we NEED, it's always nice to get it from anyone. i'm a guy and i'm not immune from the need to feed my ego.
4 - feeling "needed". call it, fulfilling that primal urge to be the man. to be the protector or provider. being the one who says "i got this babe".
5 - flirting safely. this probably falls more under "things i hate about dating". i like flirting. i love tossing out sexual inneundo. i hate having to wonder if i pushed my luck or went over the line. it's just annoying. i like being able to toss out lines knowing it isn't going to cost me the chance to get in the girl's pants. i like it being what it's meant to be.... fun.
anyways, i might come back and update this.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Job questions
So i came across this blog post that talks about how some companies are getting creative in the job interview. It also lists some that are kinda out there.
Here is the blog
I'm grabbing questions from the article that people say they've been asked and giving my answers. Questions in italics, my answers in bold. Enjoy.
If you were a superhero, who would you be and why?
Superman, because he's the greatest. DUH
If every time you entered a room your theme song played, what would it be and why?
the indiana jones theme. and i'd have a boulder follow me in the room. cuz that's how i roll.
On a scale of 1-10, how weird are you? Why did you choose that number?
10. *shrug*
What was your best MacGyver moment?
i once made a bazooka out of a paper clip and a stick of chewing gum.
If you saw someone steal a quarter, would you report it? If not, what dollar amount would you report?
depends. do i KNOW they're stealing it? beyond a shadow of a doubt? if so i'd confront them with a "really dude? you're going to get fired over a QUARTER?!?!?"
“I was once asked what I would bring if the department had a potluck.” - Amanda L.
a case of Monster and a healthy appetite.
“If you were a sea creature, what would you be and why?” - Jay D.
do penguins count as sea creatures?
“What color is your brain?” - Connie B.
depends. still bloody? fresh?
“If you were a professional wrestler, what would your stage name be?” - Alyssa Giustino, KEH Communications
EL HOMBRE DE LOS MOLECULOS!!!
“How many airplanes are in the skies over the US right now?” - Timothy R. Yee, Green Retirement Plans, Inc.
if i actually knew that you think i'd be applying HERE?
“How would you open the locked and sealed window in this hotel room?” - Yee
i could try tossing someone thru it. how much do you weigh?
“I was asked, if I went to the moon and can only bring three things, what would I bring? Oxygen and food were already provided. I said my bed — had a great mattress then– my friends and a dog.” - Cindy Holtzman, Medical Refund Service, Inc.
a bitchin moon buggy, a PC full of games and porn, and a death ray to hold the world ransom for.... one MEELLION DOLLARS!!!!
“I was asked if I knew how to make explosives, [right] after 9/11, in an interview for an administrative assistant position.” - @danileo1
would you settle for 4 alarm chili?
“What kind of car do you drive?” - Susan C.
a sad piece of shit that makes me sad every time i sit inside it. next question, no i will not elaborate.
“Will you file my fingernails?” (For a position at a church.) - Autrey K.
under "F" for fingernails?
“I interviewed for a [job] waiting tables and the manager wanted to know how I would eat an ice cream cone.” - Peggy M.
uh.... yeah see the thing about that.... *runs*
“I was asked what my grade point average was in college. I have a BS, MS, Ph.D. and spent two and a half years as a postdoctoral scholar in a government research lab.” - Charles T.
1.5.... no wait that was my blood alcohol level.. no wait... DAMN!!!! i need a do-over.
“If you had been on the Titanic would you have been in a row boat, on the ship, or freezing in the water? If you were a Spice Girl, what would you call yourself? How would you feel about doing small personal errands like dog-sitting or buying gifts for my ‘lady friends?’” (All from the same interview.) - Trina Rimmer, TrinaRimmer.com
i would escape in my jet pack. you didn't think i'd go back in time to the Titanic without a plan did you? I'd be surly spice, a real fucking ray of sunshine. I'm going to assume by "errands" you mean deliver pizza and clean pipes.
“Who won the Super Bowl last year?” - Kevin D.
saints
“So, are you married or whatever?” - @KYProgressive
hell no
“Kids you don’t have one of those, do you?” - Lois C.
god no
“Have you ever used state assistance?” - Katie L.
hell no
“Do you have migraines? Do you have small children? Do you like long vacations?” – Krishna S.
migraines.... only around small children.
“Do you attend church? What is your denomination?” - Katie B.
HA HA HA HA!!! good one.
“Do you spank your child?” - Karen
had i children i would rend them mercilessly.
“The strangest question I received was in regards to astrology. He was a real estate agent you wanted to know my date, time and where I was born. He wanted to see if we were a match. Needless to say I didn’t get the job.” - Teresa Turner, Examer.com
freak
“Are you gonna stay or just practicing for the next job?” - @soyflz
am i going to be given a reason to stay?
“Where do you see yourself globally?” - Andrew B.
lemme check the ole GPS....
“What is a secret about you that no one knows?” - Daniel S.
oh sure, i'll tell a total stranger.
I was asked “If you opened your sock drawer, what would it look like?” - Nancy Dahl. SheTaxi
what sock drawer?
“So if I were to go out and get a few drinks with your friends, what would they tell me about you?” - Kristin Rose
you seem like a nice person, don't piss Jimmy off.
“What is your favorite movie?” - @DMRyan711
i don't know. it changes constantly.
“What’s the funniest Youtube video you have seen lately?” - @byuboston
a kitten clawing at food.
“What wine do you drink? What is your favorite bouquet?” - @Durudarshan
yeah, i don't do wine. sorry.
“Which Winnie the Pooh character do you relate with the most and why?” - Celie H.
half Eeyore, half tigger. i'm a person of extreme moods.
“If you were a Disney character, what character would you be and why?” - Jayne S.
I wanna be the prince from Snow White. how awesome is that? wandering around and oh hey there's a hot chick lemme just give her a smooch and poof she's up and she's in love with me. time to get my freak on with a girl who's going to be tickled pink she's with a man over 3 feet tall.
“If a movie was made about your life, who would play you and why?” - @tofuti2001
The Rock. because *punch* that's why.
“If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?” - Jerry h.
oak?
“I was once asked if my closet was organized” - Crissy Landreth
yeah sure. it's organized into clothes on hangers and clothes on floor.
Here is the blog
I'm grabbing questions from the article that people say they've been asked and giving my answers. Questions in italics, my answers in bold. Enjoy.
If you were a superhero, who would you be and why?
Superman, because he's the greatest. DUH
If every time you entered a room your theme song played, what would it be and why?
the indiana jones theme. and i'd have a boulder follow me in the room. cuz that's how i roll.
On a scale of 1-10, how weird are you? Why did you choose that number?
10. *shrug*
What was your best MacGyver moment?
i once made a bazooka out of a paper clip and a stick of chewing gum.
If you saw someone steal a quarter, would you report it? If not, what dollar amount would you report?
depends. do i KNOW they're stealing it? beyond a shadow of a doubt? if so i'd confront them with a "really dude? you're going to get fired over a QUARTER?!?!?"
“I was once asked what I would bring if the department had a potluck.” - Amanda L.
a case of Monster and a healthy appetite.
“If you were a sea creature, what would you be and why?” - Jay D.
do penguins count as sea creatures?
“What color is your brain?” - Connie B.
depends. still bloody? fresh?
“If you were a professional wrestler, what would your stage name be?” - Alyssa Giustino, KEH Communications
EL HOMBRE DE LOS MOLECULOS!!!
“How many airplanes are in the skies over the US right now?” - Timothy R. Yee, Green Retirement Plans, Inc.
if i actually knew that you think i'd be applying HERE?
“How would you open the locked and sealed window in this hotel room?” - Yee
i could try tossing someone thru it. how much do you weigh?
“I was asked, if I went to the moon and can only bring three things, what would I bring? Oxygen and food were already provided. I said my bed — had a great mattress then– my friends and a dog.” - Cindy Holtzman, Medical Refund Service, Inc.
a bitchin moon buggy, a PC full of games and porn, and a death ray to hold the world ransom for.... one MEELLION DOLLARS!!!!
“I was asked if I knew how to make explosives, [right] after 9/11, in an interview for an administrative assistant position.” - @danileo1
would you settle for 4 alarm chili?
“What kind of car do you drive?” - Susan C.
a sad piece of shit that makes me sad every time i sit inside it. next question, no i will not elaborate.
“Will you file my fingernails?” (For a position at a church.) - Autrey K.
under "F" for fingernails?
“I interviewed for a [job] waiting tables and the manager wanted to know how I would eat an ice cream cone.” - Peggy M.
uh.... yeah see the thing about that.... *runs*
“I was asked what my grade point average was in college. I have a BS, MS, Ph.D. and spent two and a half years as a postdoctoral scholar in a government research lab.” - Charles T.
1.5.... no wait that was my blood alcohol level.. no wait... DAMN!!!! i need a do-over.
“If you had been on the Titanic would you have been in a row boat, on the ship, or freezing in the water? If you were a Spice Girl, what would you call yourself? How would you feel about doing small personal errands like dog-sitting or buying gifts for my ‘lady friends?’” (All from the same interview.) - Trina Rimmer, TrinaRimmer.com
i would escape in my jet pack. you didn't think i'd go back in time to the Titanic without a plan did you? I'd be surly spice, a real fucking ray of sunshine. I'm going to assume by "errands" you mean deliver pizza and clean pipes.
“Who won the Super Bowl last year?” - Kevin D.
saints
“So, are you married or whatever?” - @KYProgressive
hell no
“Kids you don’t have one of those, do you?” - Lois C.
god no
“Have you ever used state assistance?” - Katie L.
hell no
“Do you have migraines? Do you have small children? Do you like long vacations?” – Krishna S.
migraines.... only around small children.
“Do you attend church? What is your denomination?” - Katie B.
HA HA HA HA!!! good one.
“Do you spank your child?” - Karen
had i children i would rend them mercilessly.
“The strangest question I received was in regards to astrology. He was a real estate agent you wanted to know my date, time and where I was born. He wanted to see if we were a match. Needless to say I didn’t get the job.” - Teresa Turner, Examer.com
freak
“Are you gonna stay or just practicing for the next job?” - @soyflz
am i going to be given a reason to stay?
“Where do you see yourself globally?” - Andrew B.
lemme check the ole GPS....
“What is a secret about you that no one knows?” - Daniel S.
oh sure, i'll tell a total stranger.
I was asked “If you opened your sock drawer, what would it look like?” - Nancy Dahl. SheTaxi
what sock drawer?
“So if I were to go out and get a few drinks with your friends, what would they tell me about you?” - Kristin Rose
you seem like a nice person, don't piss Jimmy off.
“What is your favorite movie?” - @DMRyan711
i don't know. it changes constantly.
“What’s the funniest Youtube video you have seen lately?” - @byuboston
a kitten clawing at food.
“What wine do you drink? What is your favorite bouquet?” - @Durudarshan
yeah, i don't do wine. sorry.
“Which Winnie the Pooh character do you relate with the most and why?” - Celie H.
half Eeyore, half tigger. i'm a person of extreme moods.
“If you were a Disney character, what character would you be and why?” - Jayne S.
I wanna be the prince from Snow White. how awesome is that? wandering around and oh hey there's a hot chick lemme just give her a smooch and poof she's up and she's in love with me. time to get my freak on with a girl who's going to be tickled pink she's with a man over 3 feet tall.
“If a movie was made about your life, who would play you and why?” - @tofuti2001
The Rock. because *punch* that's why.
“If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?” - Jerry h.
oak?
“I was once asked if my closet was organized” - Crissy Landreth
yeah sure. it's organized into clothes on hangers and clothes on floor.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Hottest in the sky
The list of hottest flights attendants is out.
Not one single airline from this country. How is it that Hooters airline didn't make the cut? I'm guessing this poll they took was people travelling outside the U.S.
Not one single airline from this country. How is it that Hooters airline didn't make the cut? I'm guessing this poll they took was people travelling outside the U.S.
Saturday, March 07, 2009
drinking age
Something i found on Digg.
15 reasons the drinking age should be lowered to 18.
I agree with this. My only complaint on the list is that it's pretty much a padded list. (it reminds me of the George Carlin bit about how the ten commandments are a padded list) It really didn't need to be artificially inflated to 15. 2 good points will do.
1 - at 18 you can vote, join the military, rent an apartment, get married, and be tried as an adult. How exactly is buying alcohol something that requires 3 more years than any of these things?
2 - College alcohol deaths are pretty much directly the result of alcohol being labeled a "forbidden fruit". It's the reason for binge drinking.
I'm going to tell you all, the likelihood of the drinking age lowering is about as likely as Bush winning a Nobel Peace Prize. the horrifying truth is, there's a new attempt at prohibition going on in this country. See, the only thing is that this time they aren't going to be so direct about it. The first salvo was the banning of smoking in Bars. It's simple really, eliminate the ability of people to go to places that serve alcohol, less alcohol being consumed. The next step is going to be taxing the fuck out of it. Thanks to the weak economy, i'm guessing we're mere months until some asshole from MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving. An organization that started out with some good intentions but quickly devolved into a rabid dog intent on destroying drinking altogether.) telling Congress "we need to tighten our belts and I think that a heavy tax increase on alcohol will force people to get their priorities straight and not waste money on booze." Well let me just say FUCK MADD. If you're someone who lost a loved one to drunk driving and think I'm being unfair or insensitive.... tough shit. Blaming and punishing those of us who act responsibility for the thoughtless actions of others will earn you no sympathy here. I don't care how hurt you are. If that makes me an asshole, well it wouldn't be the first time.
15 reasons the drinking age should be lowered to 18.
I agree with this. My only complaint on the list is that it's pretty much a padded list. (it reminds me of the George Carlin bit about how the ten commandments are a padded list) It really didn't need to be artificially inflated to 15. 2 good points will do.
1 - at 18 you can vote, join the military, rent an apartment, get married, and be tried as an adult. How exactly is buying alcohol something that requires 3 more years than any of these things?
2 - College alcohol deaths are pretty much directly the result of alcohol being labeled a "forbidden fruit". It's the reason for binge drinking.
I'm going to tell you all, the likelihood of the drinking age lowering is about as likely as Bush winning a Nobel Peace Prize. the horrifying truth is, there's a new attempt at prohibition going on in this country. See, the only thing is that this time they aren't going to be so direct about it. The first salvo was the banning of smoking in Bars. It's simple really, eliminate the ability of people to go to places that serve alcohol, less alcohol being consumed. The next step is going to be taxing the fuck out of it. Thanks to the weak economy, i'm guessing we're mere months until some asshole from MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving. An organization that started out with some good intentions but quickly devolved into a rabid dog intent on destroying drinking altogether.) telling Congress "we need to tighten our belts and I think that a heavy tax increase on alcohol will force people to get their priorities straight and not waste money on booze." Well let me just say FUCK MADD. If you're someone who lost a loved one to drunk driving and think I'm being unfair or insensitive.... tough shit. Blaming and punishing those of us who act responsibility for the thoughtless actions of others will earn you no sympathy here. I don't care how hurt you are. If that makes me an asshole, well it wouldn't be the first time.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
100 random questions
Something i found on facebook.
1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
what closet?
2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioners from hotels?
Nope
3. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in?
not since basic training
4. Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
nope
5. Do you use post-it notes?
sometimes
6. Do you cut coupons but never use them?
nope
7. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?
a bear, so i can say "i immediately regret this decision!!"
8. Do you have freckles?
i think i used to have light ones.
9. Do you always smile for pictures?
No
10. What's your biggest pet peeve?
stupid questions
11. Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
nope
12. Have you ever peed in the woods?
does a bear shit in the woods?
13. Do you ever dance when there's no music playing?
nope
14. Do you chew your pens and pencils.
*nibble* *nibble*.... huh? sorry i was distracted
15. How many people have you slept with this week?
oh at least 50. yea right. NONE!!!!!
16. What size is your bed?
twin
17. What is your song of the week?
*shrug*
18. Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
Of course!
19. Do you still watch cartoons?
i will ALWAYS watch cartoons
20. What's your least favorite movie?
anything with julia roberts
21. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
in the BANK, don't let the black beard fool you. i'm not a pirate dammit
22. What do you drink with dinner.
water right now
23. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
katsup or honey or bbq sauce
24. What is your favorite food?
i dunno. i have a lot
25. What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
war movies
26. Last person you kissed/kissed you?
honestly i don't know
27. Were you a boy/girl scout?
yup.
28. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine.
who the hell would WANT me to?
29. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
i think when i was stationed in Germany
30. Can you change the oil in a car?
yup
31. Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
yes. fucking virginia state trooper nazis.
32. Ran out of gas?
came close a lot, but nope.
33. Favorite kind of sandwich?
bacon and lettuce on toasted sandwich bread
34. Best thing to eat for breakfast?
bacon bacon bacon!!!
35. What is your usual bedtime?
bout 10 or so lately
36. Are you lazy?
and surly!!!
37. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?
mostly Superman or soldier. i went as a ghostbuster once
38. What is your Chinese astrological sign?
Dragon
39. How many languages can you speak?
English
40. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
Not right now
41. Which are better, legos or lincoln logs?
Legos
42. Are you stubborn.
big time
43. Who is better, Leno or Letterman?
used to be Letterman early on, but he took a big turn into douche-ville a while ago
44. Ever watch soap operas?
does observing my coworkers here count?
45. Afraid of heights?
not really
46. Sing in the car?
if i do, i'm drunk
47. Dance in the shower?
i might slip and fall!!!
48. Dance in the car?
no
49. Ever used a gun?
lots. used to carry one in the Air Force
50. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
i dunno if it counts, but for my ID badge to get over here to Iraq
51. Do you think musicals are cheesy?
try idiotic
52. Is Christmas stressful?
Nah. I don't celebrate it.
53. Ever eat a pierogi?
a what?
54. Favorite type of fruit pie?
American as Apple Pie
55. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
fighter pilot
56. Do you believe in ghosts?
No
57. Ever have a deja vu feeling?
i feel stuck in a rut, stuck in a rut, stunk in a rut.....
58. Take a vitamin daily?
try to
59. Wear slippers.
nope
60. Wear a bath robe.
nope
61. What do you wear to bed?
Shorts
62. First concert?
Ozfest 1996. went with my cousin Mike right before i enlisted
63. Wal-mart, Target, or Kmart?
Target. better babes
64. Nike or Adidas?
Nike
65. Cheetos or Fritos?
fritos only if there's dip
66. Sunflower seeds or peanuts?
peanuts
67. Ever hear of the group Tres Bien?
no
68. Ever take dance lessons?
no
69. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?
porn?
70. Can you curl your tongue?
Yes
71. Ever won a spelling bee?
only in my class in elementary school
72. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
Came close when Dale Jr won the Pepsi 400 at Daytona in 2001.
73. Own any record albums?
No but my dad has a ton
74. Own a record player?
nope
75. Regularly burn incense?
nope
76. Ever been in love?
I wish i never was. nothing but trouble.
77. Who would you like to see in concert?
Metallica
78. What was the last concert you saw?
No Doubt. went with my ex Kristin since she was a big fan.
79. Hot tea, or cold?
depends on the situation.
80. Tea or coffee?
tea, can't stand coffee
81. Sugar cookies or snickerdoodles?
Sugar cookies. the cookie dough mostly
82. Can you swim well?
sure can. used to be on a swim team when i lived in Turkey
83. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?
who CAN'T???
84. Are you patient.
at times, but for the most part not really
85. At a wedding, DJ or live band?
DJ. some songs need to be done by the original artists
86. Ever won a contest?
i think so.
87. Ever had plastic surgery?
No
88. Black olives, or green?
neither. gross
89. Can you knit or crotchet?
nope
90. Best room for a fireplace?
Den
91. Do you want to get married?
nope
92. If you're married, how long since you said "I do?"
N/A
93. Who was your high school crush?
i dunno if i had one. no girl in particular comes to mind. i liked this one chick who lived nearby but when to another school, but mostly cuz she had huge jugs.
94. Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your way?
not since i was like 5 or 6
95. Do you have kids?
None i know of
96. Do you want kids?
no no HELL no
97. What's your favorite color.
black
98. Do you miss anyone right now?
my siblings
99. Did you watch Next Great American Band on FOX?
hell no
100. Would you like other people to answer this survey?
go fer it!!
1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
what closet?
2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioners from hotels?
Nope
3. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in?
not since basic training
4. Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
nope
5. Do you use post-it notes?
sometimes
6. Do you cut coupons but never use them?
nope
7. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?
a bear, so i can say "i immediately regret this decision!!"
8. Do you have freckles?
i think i used to have light ones.
9. Do you always smile for pictures?
No
10. What's your biggest pet peeve?
stupid questions
11. Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
nope
12. Have you ever peed in the woods?
does a bear shit in the woods?
13. Do you ever dance when there's no music playing?
nope
14. Do you chew your pens and pencils.
*nibble* *nibble*.... huh? sorry i was distracted
15. How many people have you slept with this week?
oh at least 50. yea right. NONE!!!!!
16. What size is your bed?
twin
17. What is your song of the week?
*shrug*
18. Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
Of course!
19. Do you still watch cartoons?
i will ALWAYS watch cartoons
20. What's your least favorite movie?
anything with julia roberts
21. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
in the BANK, don't let the black beard fool you. i'm not a pirate dammit
22. What do you drink with dinner.
water right now
23. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
katsup or honey or bbq sauce
24. What is your favorite food?
i dunno. i have a lot
25. What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
war movies
26. Last person you kissed/kissed you?
honestly i don't know
27. Were you a boy/girl scout?
yup.
28. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine.
who the hell would WANT me to?
29. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
i think when i was stationed in Germany
30. Can you change the oil in a car?
yup
31. Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
yes. fucking virginia state trooper nazis.
32. Ran out of gas?
came close a lot, but nope.
33. Favorite kind of sandwich?
bacon and lettuce on toasted sandwich bread
34. Best thing to eat for breakfast?
bacon bacon bacon!!!
35. What is your usual bedtime?
bout 10 or so lately
36. Are you lazy?
and surly!!!
37. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?
mostly Superman or soldier. i went as a ghostbuster once
38. What is your Chinese astrological sign?
Dragon
39. How many languages can you speak?
English
40. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
Not right now
41. Which are better, legos or lincoln logs?
Legos
42. Are you stubborn.
big time
43. Who is better, Leno or Letterman?
used to be Letterman early on, but he took a big turn into douche-ville a while ago
44. Ever watch soap operas?
does observing my coworkers here count?
45. Afraid of heights?
not really
46. Sing in the car?
if i do, i'm drunk
47. Dance in the shower?
i might slip and fall!!!
48. Dance in the car?
no
49. Ever used a gun?
lots. used to carry one in the Air Force
50. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
i dunno if it counts, but for my ID badge to get over here to Iraq
51. Do you think musicals are cheesy?
try idiotic
52. Is Christmas stressful?
Nah. I don't celebrate it.
53. Ever eat a pierogi?
a what?
54. Favorite type of fruit pie?
American as Apple Pie
55. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
fighter pilot
56. Do you believe in ghosts?
No
57. Ever have a deja vu feeling?
i feel stuck in a rut, stuck in a rut, stunk in a rut.....
58. Take a vitamin daily?
try to
59. Wear slippers.
nope
60. Wear a bath robe.
nope
61. What do you wear to bed?
Shorts
62. First concert?
Ozfest 1996. went with my cousin Mike right before i enlisted
63. Wal-mart, Target, or Kmart?
Target. better babes
64. Nike or Adidas?
Nike
65. Cheetos or Fritos?
fritos only if there's dip
66. Sunflower seeds or peanuts?
peanuts
67. Ever hear of the group Tres Bien?
no
68. Ever take dance lessons?
no
69. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?
porn?
70. Can you curl your tongue?
Yes
71. Ever won a spelling bee?
only in my class in elementary school
72. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
Came close when Dale Jr won the Pepsi 400 at Daytona in 2001.
73. Own any record albums?
No but my dad has a ton
74. Own a record player?
nope
75. Regularly burn incense?
nope
76. Ever been in love?
I wish i never was. nothing but trouble.
77. Who would you like to see in concert?
Metallica
78. What was the last concert you saw?
No Doubt. went with my ex Kristin since she was a big fan.
79. Hot tea, or cold?
depends on the situation.
80. Tea or coffee?
tea, can't stand coffee
81. Sugar cookies or snickerdoodles?
Sugar cookies. the cookie dough mostly
82. Can you swim well?
sure can. used to be on a swim team when i lived in Turkey
83. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?
who CAN'T???
84. Are you patient.
at times, but for the most part not really
85. At a wedding, DJ or live band?
DJ. some songs need to be done by the original artists
86. Ever won a contest?
i think so.
87. Ever had plastic surgery?
No
88. Black olives, or green?
neither. gross
89. Can you knit or crotchet?
nope
90. Best room for a fireplace?
Den
91. Do you want to get married?
nope
92. If you're married, how long since you said "I do?"
N/A
93. Who was your high school crush?
i dunno if i had one. no girl in particular comes to mind. i liked this one chick who lived nearby but when to another school, but mostly cuz she had huge jugs.
94. Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your way?
not since i was like 5 or 6
95. Do you have kids?
None i know of
96. Do you want kids?
no no HELL no
97. What's your favorite color.
black
98. Do you miss anyone right now?
my siblings
99. Did you watch Next Great American Band on FOX?
hell no
100. Would you like other people to answer this survey?
go fer it!!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
more qualifications
i'm adding on to my list of "if i ever lose my damn mind and get married this is the list of things the girl better have"
it was actually only a list of 1.
1 - not American. American women for the most part are just a pain in the ass. There are a shitload of women out there that aren't nearly as selfish and a fuck of a lot hotter. If you're one of those poor bastards who's only known and dated American women you're missing out. There are a lot of Spanish, German, British, Russian, Iraqi, Australian, and Thai girls (plenty more but i'm just naming a few places i've been) out there who aren't fucked up. for some of you American girls reading this who aren't fucked up, i apologize but that's why i said "for the MOST part" and not "all". i know some damn cool ones, but not nearly enough to make me think American chicks aren't a hassle.
anyways, i'm adding number 2.
2 - must be rhythmic gymnast. flexibility and agility are never overrated.
it was actually only a list of 1.
1 - not American. American women for the most part are just a pain in the ass. There are a shitload of women out there that aren't nearly as selfish and a fuck of a lot hotter. If you're one of those poor bastards who's only known and dated American women you're missing out. There are a lot of Spanish, German, British, Russian, Iraqi, Australian, and Thai girls (plenty more but i'm just naming a few places i've been) out there who aren't fucked up. for some of you American girls reading this who aren't fucked up, i apologize but that's why i said "for the MOST part" and not "all". i know some damn cool ones, but not nearly enough to make me think American chicks aren't a hassle.
anyways, i'm adding number 2.
2 - must be rhythmic gymnast. flexibility and agility are never overrated.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Thursday, November 13, 2008
20 places
The 20 worst places to wake up.
* Your parents’ driveway with the car still running.
* The bushes outside your ex-girlfriend’s apartment using a boom box as a pillow.
* Spooning some random dude.
* In a bath tub covered in blood.
* The Emergency Room with: A) a stab wound, B) significantly less teeth, C) your arms handcuffed to the bed, and/or D) your mom hysterically crying across the room.
* The back seat of a stranger’s car.
* In a strip club getting asked if that last lap dance should go on your credit card like the others.
* On a downtown park bench in a city you’re unfamiliar with.
* Next to your buddy wailing on a chick who may or may not be a professional.
* Surrounded by your friends trying to figure out how you’re too stupid to find a bathroom.
* The back bedroom of a trailer, for the second time.
* Your parents’ kitchen floor.
* Next to a minor telling you it’s “our little secret”.
* The front lawn of the local synagogue.
* Cleveland.
* Next to any chick your friends have nicknamed slam pig, war pig, big bear, polar bear, hedgehog, freight elevator, or anything else that references her size and/or resemblance to a wild animal.
* The drunk tank with someone dropping a deuce in the community toilet.
* The couch with no pants on and the dryer running.
* The neighbors’ front porch when you don’t know the neighbors.
* On the floor of your old apartment with the new residents dialing 911.
* Your parents’ driveway with the car still running.
* The bushes outside your ex-girlfriend’s apartment using a boom box as a pillow.
* Spooning some random dude.
* In a bath tub covered in blood.
* The Emergency Room with: A) a stab wound, B) significantly less teeth, C) your arms handcuffed to the bed, and/or D) your mom hysterically crying across the room.
* The back seat of a stranger’s car.
* In a strip club getting asked if that last lap dance should go on your credit card like the others.
* On a downtown park bench in a city you’re unfamiliar with.
* Next to your buddy wailing on a chick who may or may not be a professional.
* Surrounded by your friends trying to figure out how you’re too stupid to find a bathroom.
* The back bedroom of a trailer, for the second time.
* Your parents’ kitchen floor.
* Next to a minor telling you it’s “our little secret”.
* The front lawn of the local synagogue.
* Cleveland.
* Next to any chick your friends have nicknamed slam pig, war pig, big bear, polar bear, hedgehog, freight elevator, or anything else that references her size and/or resemblance to a wild animal.
* The drunk tank with someone dropping a deuce in the community toilet.
* The couch with no pants on and the dryer running.
* The neighbors’ front porch when you don’t know the neighbors.
* On the floor of your old apartment with the new residents dialing 911.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
100 things about women
this is an old post. i originally broke it up into 5 or 6 posts, but i think it works better as one giant one.
i found this on maxim.com
100 things guys need to know about women. time to add jimmy comments to it to spice it up.
100 list in italics, my comments in bold.
100. Girls enjoy always having something kind of wrong, like a headache or cramping or something. Remember: No matter how bad it sounds, she’s going to outlive you.
yeah, that's cuz they use underhanded tactics like playing sick in order to suck the life out of us.
99. Most women will not have sex for the first time with a guy unless their legs are shaved. If your date shows up and you spot stubble, she’s trying to keep herself in line.
if i can SPOT stubble then that shit must be thick as hell. which means she skipped more than a couple days.
98. No matter how much she reassures you, if you can’t get a hard-on she assumes you’re not attracted to her.
then maybe she needs to use her mouth for something other than "reassurance" to get things going.
97. Beware of your girlfriend's single party friend or gay bud. They want her to be single with them and will encourage any bad behavior as often as possible.
this is where preemptive strikes come into play.
96. Jewelry. Now you always know what to get her for a last-minute gift.
great, last-minute gift ideas that are never cheap.
95. The sight of you in your socks and underwear is the biggest turnoff in the world.
oh yeah, and gals wearing plain old white underwear and granny panties isn't?
94. Never trust a girl who has no girlfriends. She doesn’t get along with other women because she’s either bat-shit crazy or just plain mean.
plus it means she's got nobody to hang with giving you time to yourself or time with your boys. trust me on this one, being able to send her off with her friends will keep you both more happy.
93. Girls who say, “I love sports!” are lying. Girls who ask you what time the game is on, without specifying which game they’re talking about, are not.
eh..... i don't buy this one. my last 2 girlfriends both loved NASCAR. and specifying a game might mean they track more than one team/league/sport.
92. A random hookup is more likely to result in pregnancy, because a woman has more sex when she’s most fertile.
nice to know. so fellas, make sure you wrap it if you're banging a chick who's cheating on her boyfriend/husband. i know i did.
91. She still has all the love letters and cards from her past boyfriends.
aw how sweet. i guarantee they and I don't have a damn thing she sent.
90. Just started dating? Women want you to drive, even if it’s their car.
hey great. like i needed permission. unless it's in the shop i'm the one driving anyway and unless i trust you completely you ain't touching my baby. (the list of people i've let drive my car is VERY short)
89. A girl would prefer to get a $100 gift from Tiffany & Co. than a $500 gift from Fortunoff. Why? Because her friends will ask where she got it.
sorry but i have no clue what those places are. cheaper gift good.
88. “If I give you my number on Friday, Tuesday and Wednesday are your best bets to score a date. Monday is too desperate, Thursday is too late.”—Claire, 27
and never is "go fuck yourself honey, i don't jump thru hoops for any dame."
87. Your female coworkers are obsessed with the fact that on average they receive less pay than male counterparts—and the fact that they work less overtime and get pregnant is irrelevant to the discussion.
naturally. because facts and common sense just can't be used to argue with a woman. we accept it.
86. Laying a towel down over the wet spot is like putting your jacket over a mud puddle for her, you noble bastard.
fine whatever. just shut up already.
85. A recent study revealed that natural blondes could be extinct in 200 years, so unless she’s Norwegian, her towhead might be bottled.
a recent survey of a supermarket shows that bleach and hair-coloring are still sold and show no signs of going extinct. recent trends indicate women continue to be shallow and vain where their appearance in concerned. so long story short, who gives a fuck?
84. Sixteen percent of American men have been with a prostitute—scientific proof most women are decent in bed.
wrong. reality check will tell you that 90%-95% of men have. because while you may not pay in cash, you're going to pay. don't bullshit yourself guys, you're going to pay one way or another to get sex. the question is, do you want to pay in the form of time/money spent on dates..... time spent "getting to know her"..... etc..... on the CHANCE she might give it up. or just cut to the chase and get some guaranteed sex?
83. Women always want to believe what you’re saying is true.
HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! no wait.... let me catch my breath. *whew* HA HA HA HA!!!!!!
82. What do women really want in bed? More blankets. They get colder than men.
gotcha.
81. The threesome is not about you; it’s about the two girls. If you’re lucky enough to score one with your girlfriend, enjoy sex with the other one because there’s a good chance it’ll end the relationship.
relationships come and go, but a visit to the threefold kingdom is magical and wonderful. trust me, nothing can take that away from you.
80. If women have an excuse to take a pill, they’ll take it.
ok..... that was random.....
79. Never trust the woman who gives you the best blow job you’ve ever had.
translation: she didn't get mad skillz working the mic from the fruit and vegetable section. 37?
78. “I hate when my boyfriend is sweaty and tries to lie down on top of me or cuddle after I’ve come. Wait five minutes.”—Erin, 21
i'm calling bullshit on this one. back me up on this one guys, when we're done the deed our asses are asleep. sorry Erin, your boyfriend is a real closet case.
77. The average woman kisses 79 men before getting married.
in a row?
76. She hates your Xbox more than she lets on. Blow her off for some gaming and she’ll soon stop wasting time on a dork like you.
i hate her arts and crafts more than i complain about. keep it up and i'll blow you off for some gaming.
75. Women who are obsessed with their dogs also like to keep their men on a short leash.
yet another reason i'm a cat person.
74. “Girls who buy their men lap dances and pretend to enjoy it are kidding themselves. They’re trying to keep him happy with some controlled freedom.”—Suzy, 31
they're also gullible as fucking hell. you think YOU'RE the only one buying his lap dances? you think he only goes to the strip club with YOU? silly girl.
73. Over the course of her life, a woman will use 10 men for every one she loves. If you lent her your car or helped her move and didn't get laid, you're one of the 10.
suckers. ah who am i kidding, i've been played like a fucking piano more than once or twice without a payoff for my troubles. i really wanted to tap those asses too. damn you hormones!!!!
72. During emergencies, women are likely to remain calmer than men. Though it should be noted that inventing minor crises on a weekly basis gives them more practice.
have you ever BEEN in an emergency??
71. “Women grow hairs in a lot of the same places that men do—lower abdomen, nipples—we just get rid of them.”—Katie, 26
that's just gross. i'm not ashamed to admit i'm pretty shallow when it comes to hair. i see it on her lip or anywhere besides the top of her head or downstairs (even then it better be short supply down there) and i'm gone. call me whatever you like.
70. Unless they’re lesbians, she won’t approve of your hanging out with other girls. Even if they’re ugly. And, really, even if they’re lesbians.
and really she's insecure and will probably push her man into banging as many of them as he can just for pissing him off.
69. If you have something to hide, she’ll find it.
the hell she will. you'll never be privy to all our secrets ladies. get over it. it's ok that we don't share every fuckin aspect of our lives with you.
68. Eighty-five: The number of males per 100 females in Gary, Indiana, lowest male-to-female ratio of any city with a population of 100,000-plus. The highest male-to-female ratio is in Salinas, California: 114 males for every 100 females.
ITT Tech in San Antonio: 10 females for every 100 males. of those, 4 are bangable.
67. Kiss her before two dates have gone by or you’ll be “friended.”
bang her before 3 dates or you'll be whipped as a puppy when she finally gives it up.
66. They can't live without tension. Every once in a while she's gonna pick a fight with you for no reason. Accept this as a running, inevitable theme and your relationship will make a lot more sense.
gentlemen pay attention: this will happen ONLY IF YOU LET IT!!!! fuck her and her drama. if she picks a fight and you know she's just doing it to fight, then you counter by throwing everything you possibly can at her. she's launching an attack and expecting you to roll over so she can placate her fucking female ego. you respond with the wrath of god. then when it's all done and the smoke clears, you pick a random fight with her as soon as it's done. fight back guys or she'll always have your balls in her purse.
65. The most painless way to end an argument: Let her win.
then return to the ocean like the spineless jellyfish you've become you pansy. fight back and be a man.
64. An online dating service’s survey found that a woman’s ideal man has brown hair and blue eyes.
how nice for them.
63. In the U.S., 21 percent of women ages 18 to 59 hold out for their honeymoon.
in the U.S., 21 percent of women are fucking lairs. or are convinced oral doesn't count.
62. A British study claims a woman’s chances of getting married drop by 40 percent for every 16-point rise in her IQ. The same increase in IQ for a man boosted his chances of getting married by 35 percent.
that makes no sense. how the hell do you even measure something like that?
61. When a woman tells you her problems, she does not want you to offer solutions.
when a man offers you solutions, he does not want to hear your problems.
60. Women often cite manhandling of breasts as the biggest foreplay faux pas.
too bad. those things are neat. c'mon ladies we don't ask much, just let us pet the kittens and we're all right.
59. “When I’m drunk, I can’t come. Not even with a vibrator.”—Lauren, 35
that ain't our problem. we're going to get ours. sorry honey.
58. If they're going to do it, most wives cheat between the ages of 18 and 29.
hmmm.... yup, yup, yup and yup. i agree.
57. Most women think they’re better drivers than they are. Don’t point this out while she’s at the wheel or she’ll freak and crash.
how comforting.
56. Women ingest about half the lipstick they apply, which means they eat approximately one to three sticks per year.
ewwwww....
54. A woman might say she just wants sex, but sleep with her for a while and she’ll change her tune. “I’ve known so many women who think they can pull this off, but they always develop feelings for the guy,” says Evie, 22.
suckers.
53. According to the American Association of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery, Angelina Jolie’s lips were the most requested celebrity feature among all female patients in 2004.
the most requested among guys as well.
52. Despite always complimenting another woman’s short haircut, she secretly celebrates having one less competitor, since men prefer long hair.
agreed. funny thing is, the 2 girls i was most in love with both had really short hair when we first hooked up. i gotta stay away from short haired chicks.
51. Don’t call her “cute.” In her mind it’s the same as “not vomit-inducing.” “Sexy,” OK. “Hot,” yes. “Fucking awesome,” only if she’s at least slightly buzzed.
geez, sorry miss sensitive.
50. Women often buy shoes a size or two small because they’re in denial about the size of their feet—which they can’t stand.
cry me a freaking river.
49. They dream of one day peeing in a urinal.
ain't happening, sorry gals.
48. Women know where they stand looks-wise but worry about being considered cool, about which they’re unsure.
welcome to fragile-self-image-ville.... population.... all the women on the planet.
47. According to the U.S. Bureau of Statistics, 23 percent of 18- to 34-year-old women live with their parents, versus 31 percent of you losers.
ok let's get something straight. a fact that chicks don't like to acknowledge. careers at this point are still an OPTION for women. with a few exceptions you all always have the option of getting married and living off a guy for the rest of your life. don't get me wrong, my best friends wives are stay at home moms and i love them both like sisters, i'm not saying it's a bad thing. i'm just saying that it's fucked up that society makes no judgements on women who either live with their parents or are married and stay home versus a guy who lives with his parents.
46. Women want to talk dirty, but they’re afraid you won’t respect them in the morning. Reassure her that letting go in bed doesn’t make her less classy and she’ll probably go wild. Jäger helps.
well of COURSE i'll still respect you after you call me daddy and tell me to spank you like the filthy girl you are..... *snicker*
45. Twenty-three percent of this magazine’s readers are women.
great gals all of them.
44. A psycho jealous girl will do anything to keep her man—including anal.
god bless those girls too.
41. If she suddenly cuts her hair short, it might mean she no longer cares what you think of her. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about someone else’s opinion.
and you girls wonder why guys are so apathetic about what the hell you wear or your hair and shit.
40. About half of all brides will lose a good friend over a ridiculous bridesmaid squabble.
pathetic.
39. It never hurts to say you're sorry, even if you don't mean it.
it hurts even less to not say anything.
38. Let her beat you at something once in a while—poker, chess, Ping-Pong—and she’ll be more likely to give you what you want, like some peace and quiet.
so once again we're supposed to accept being bullied into flushing our pride down the john. yeah i'm going to go with FUCK THAT.
37. Women’s public bathrooms are about three times more disgusting than men’s.
there's a reason why..... keep reading.....
36. “At one point or another, I’ve gone through your things looking for any evidence from past relationships. I’m talking photographs, postcards, mementos, address books, diaries. If you don’t like it, get rid of this stuff before letting me in your apartment. It’s not about trust; it’s about curiosity, and it drives us crazy till it’s been satiated.”—Caroline, 28
so once again your crazy bat-shit behavior is all MY fault. nice.
35. Like you, girls hate nothing more than a clingy partner who needs them every eight seconds.
then don't date closet gay men.
34. Chick rock strikes a deeply primal chord inside women while simultaneously revolting men. Just sit back and let her sing the Sarah McLachlan or Ani DiFranco song. It’s only about four minutes long.
or give her some fucking headphones. fuck your music.
33. The average woman owns eight bras and wears each one five times before washing. Shasta!
are you trying to gross us out? we're GUYS. we do shit like turning our underwear inside-out to get another day's use out of them.
32. Girls will not sit on any toilet outside their own home or a five-star hotel. Everywhere else they’re hovering above the toilet in a squat.
does #37 make sense now?
31. Got a new girl coming over? Your (tidy) bathroom should include clean linen, a box of Puffs Plus, and several full rolls of TP.
puffs plus? should we get some tampons too?
30. “Don’t caress our faces while we’re kissing, unless you really, really, really like us.”—Rachel, 21
uh, ok.
29. On a first date, women never order what they really want to eat.
just eat what you order then. we honestly care more about that than how MUCH you eat.
28. Breast augmentation surgery has grown by 257 percent since 1997. The most popular size? C-cup. As if you didn’t know.
didn't know, don't care. real or fake make shit difference to me and to most guys so don't try and pull that "we're doing it for YOU" shit.
27. Gain her trust when you’re out by calling her at 10 P.M. She’ll go to bed content you’re thinking of her, even if you’re slurping Jell-O shots off some skank’s cleavage.
yeah right. how stupid do you think we are?
26. Put down the Drakkar and grab a box of Good & Plenty. Women are turned on by the scent of black licorice.
look honey, i rubbed CANDY all over myself!!!! giggity giggity giggity!!!!
25. At least one of her friends wants to sleep with you.
point her out and we'll make that lucky gal's dreams come true. bow chicka bow wow!!!!
24. A good but flawed man is a fixer-upper gem, and women love nothing more than home improvements.
and on the off chance you aren't that flawed, she'll find something to change in you. if you let her.
23. Every woman is self-conscious about her ass. Tell her you love her ass and you’ll see it more often.
does spanking it a lot work?
22. If you want more sex, tell your girl an attractive woman hit on you that day. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.
failing that, break out the sex panther. i gotta tell ya, that smells like pure gasoline.
21. More than half of surveyed females between 18 and 25 would prefer to be run over by a truck than be fat.
the other half broke the truck and ended up fat.
20. All women think they’re smarter than their partners in some significant way.
hee hee. silly girls.
19. The more piercings she has, the more places she’ll let you put it.
so according to this list, find a girl who's scared stiff of losing you and with tons of piercings and you're on the road to back-door-loving.
18. Once in a while, let her pick the movie and don't complain about it.
nah.
17. Any good woman will tell ya, honesty is not always the best policy.
till she catches you in a lie. then suddenly she can't trust you.... blah blah blah.....
16. Chicks aren’t afraid to get kinky; you just have to have the nerve to ask.
but remember, like Chris Rock says, your woman will do any nasty dirty skanky thing you want but you gotta come correct. none of this, "eh eh eh excuse me..... eh eh.... i have a request... eh eh eh.... would you eh... lick my balls?" otherwise you get, "WHAT!?!? lick your own damn balls!!" so guys make sure you ask proper.
15. Girls don’t want to date doormats. So make her proud and refuse to give up bowling night with the guys.
so she can stay home eat ice cream and cry waiting for you while she sets up a few charges of emotional C4 that she'll detonate the second you get home. lose-lose fellas.
14. Don't take a woman to a concert you really want to see—she'll just want to leave early.
translate to jimmy-talk: ditch the bitch.
13. “Women appreciate a big penis, but having one doesn’t give you an excuse to suck at foreplay.”—Elena, 28
yeah? well guys love big tits, but having them doesn't give you an excuse to not give head.
12. Studies show women are more attracted to “macho” guys near ovulation. The rest of the month, they’re drawn to “good providers,” otherwise known as chumps.
so just leave it in "macho mode" take what you can get while she's ovulating, and the rest of the time you get to keep your fucking dignity.
11. She likes one of your friends.
if he's my friend then you don't have a chance in hell honey. if he isn't, he's a dead man. plain and simple. bros before hoes.
10. Ugly girls like to hang out with pretty girls because it makes them feel like they're more attractive. Pretty girls hang out with ugly girls for the same reason.
you're all the same when the lights go out.
9. The minute she decides she’s even mildly interested in you, she starts making mental pictures of what your kids would look like and imagining her first name with your last.
gee, why are guys so afraid of commitment?
8. Sixty percent of women in the United States color their hair, according to L’Oréal (who are obviously hoping they can peer-pressure the other 40 percent).
popular color? i'm betting blonde.
7. Dated a stripper? Keep your mouth shut, stupid.
duh.
6. Rub a sheet of medium-grade sandpaper across your face. That’s your five o’clock shadow when you kiss her. Now rub that sandpaper on your inner thigh. (Mind you, we’re not suggesting you shave.)
we know, we just like giving you something legit to bitch about once in a while.
5. Female serial killers tend to use poison rather than guns or knives.
comforting.
4. Foghat’s “Slow Ride” is not about a trip in the car. Get the hint?
Nine Inch Nail's "Closer" isn't about a trip to the zoo. get the hint?
3. The one breakup line she’ll never be able to argue you out of: “I’m sorry, but I no longer have feelings for you.”
yeah right.
2. Buying a present for your girl? She’ll hate it (and you) if she finds out you took along another woman to help pick it out.
excuuuuuse us for asking for advice from someone who might know what to get you.
1. You'll probably never know how many guys she's slept with. The standard lie is five. Which really means about 12.
once again, we don't care. as long as we're the only ones you're sleeping with NOW.
i found this on maxim.com
100 things guys need to know about women. time to add jimmy comments to it to spice it up.
100 list in italics, my comments in bold.
100. Girls enjoy always having something kind of wrong, like a headache or cramping or something. Remember: No matter how bad it sounds, she’s going to outlive you.
yeah, that's cuz they use underhanded tactics like playing sick in order to suck the life out of us.
99. Most women will not have sex for the first time with a guy unless their legs are shaved. If your date shows up and you spot stubble, she’s trying to keep herself in line.
if i can SPOT stubble then that shit must be thick as hell. which means she skipped more than a couple days.
98. No matter how much she reassures you, if you can’t get a hard-on she assumes you’re not attracted to her.
then maybe she needs to use her mouth for something other than "reassurance" to get things going.
97. Beware of your girlfriend's single party friend or gay bud. They want her to be single with them and will encourage any bad behavior as often as possible.
this is where preemptive strikes come into play.
96. Jewelry. Now you always know what to get her for a last-minute gift.
great, last-minute gift ideas that are never cheap.
95. The sight of you in your socks and underwear is the biggest turnoff in the world.
oh yeah, and gals wearing plain old white underwear and granny panties isn't?
94. Never trust a girl who has no girlfriends. She doesn’t get along with other women because she’s either bat-shit crazy or just plain mean.
plus it means she's got nobody to hang with giving you time to yourself or time with your boys. trust me on this one, being able to send her off with her friends will keep you both more happy.
93. Girls who say, “I love sports!” are lying. Girls who ask you what time the game is on, without specifying which game they’re talking about, are not.
eh..... i don't buy this one. my last 2 girlfriends both loved NASCAR. and specifying a game might mean they track more than one team/league/sport.
92. A random hookup is more likely to result in pregnancy, because a woman has more sex when she’s most fertile.
nice to know. so fellas, make sure you wrap it if you're banging a chick who's cheating on her boyfriend/husband. i know i did.
91. She still has all the love letters and cards from her past boyfriends.
aw how sweet. i guarantee they and I don't have a damn thing she sent.
90. Just started dating? Women want you to drive, even if it’s their car.
hey great. like i needed permission. unless it's in the shop i'm the one driving anyway and unless i trust you completely you ain't touching my baby. (the list of people i've let drive my car is VERY short)
89. A girl would prefer to get a $100 gift from Tiffany & Co. than a $500 gift from Fortunoff. Why? Because her friends will ask where she got it.
sorry but i have no clue what those places are. cheaper gift good.
88. “If I give you my number on Friday, Tuesday and Wednesday are your best bets to score a date. Monday is too desperate, Thursday is too late.”—Claire, 27
and never is "go fuck yourself honey, i don't jump thru hoops for any dame."
87. Your female coworkers are obsessed with the fact that on average they receive less pay than male counterparts—and the fact that they work less overtime and get pregnant is irrelevant to the discussion.
naturally. because facts and common sense just can't be used to argue with a woman. we accept it.
86. Laying a towel down over the wet spot is like putting your jacket over a mud puddle for her, you noble bastard.
fine whatever. just shut up already.
85. A recent study revealed that natural blondes could be extinct in 200 years, so unless she’s Norwegian, her towhead might be bottled.
a recent survey of a supermarket shows that bleach and hair-coloring are still sold and show no signs of going extinct. recent trends indicate women continue to be shallow and vain where their appearance in concerned. so long story short, who gives a fuck?
84. Sixteen percent of American men have been with a prostitute—scientific proof most women are decent in bed.
wrong. reality check will tell you that 90%-95% of men have. because while you may not pay in cash, you're going to pay. don't bullshit yourself guys, you're going to pay one way or another to get sex. the question is, do you want to pay in the form of time/money spent on dates..... time spent "getting to know her"..... etc..... on the CHANCE she might give it up. or just cut to the chase and get some guaranteed sex?
83. Women always want to believe what you’re saying is true.
HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! no wait.... let me catch my breath. *whew* HA HA HA HA!!!!!!
82. What do women really want in bed? More blankets. They get colder than men.
gotcha.
81. The threesome is not about you; it’s about the two girls. If you’re lucky enough to score one with your girlfriend, enjoy sex with the other one because there’s a good chance it’ll end the relationship.
relationships come and go, but a visit to the threefold kingdom is magical and wonderful. trust me, nothing can take that away from you.
80. If women have an excuse to take a pill, they’ll take it.
ok..... that was random.....
79. Never trust the woman who gives you the best blow job you’ve ever had.
translation: she didn't get mad skillz working the mic from the fruit and vegetable section. 37?
78. “I hate when my boyfriend is sweaty and tries to lie down on top of me or cuddle after I’ve come. Wait five minutes.”—Erin, 21
i'm calling bullshit on this one. back me up on this one guys, when we're done the deed our asses are asleep. sorry Erin, your boyfriend is a real closet case.
77. The average woman kisses 79 men before getting married.
in a row?
76. She hates your Xbox more than she lets on. Blow her off for some gaming and she’ll soon stop wasting time on a dork like you.
i hate her arts and crafts more than i complain about. keep it up and i'll blow you off for some gaming.
75. Women who are obsessed with their dogs also like to keep their men on a short leash.
yet another reason i'm a cat person.
74. “Girls who buy their men lap dances and pretend to enjoy it are kidding themselves. They’re trying to keep him happy with some controlled freedom.”—Suzy, 31
they're also gullible as fucking hell. you think YOU'RE the only one buying his lap dances? you think he only goes to the strip club with YOU? silly girl.
73. Over the course of her life, a woman will use 10 men for every one she loves. If you lent her your car or helped her move and didn't get laid, you're one of the 10.
suckers. ah who am i kidding, i've been played like a fucking piano more than once or twice without a payoff for my troubles. i really wanted to tap those asses too. damn you hormones!!!!
72. During emergencies, women are likely to remain calmer than men. Though it should be noted that inventing minor crises on a weekly basis gives them more practice.
have you ever BEEN in an emergency??
71. “Women grow hairs in a lot of the same places that men do—lower abdomen, nipples—we just get rid of them.”—Katie, 26
that's just gross. i'm not ashamed to admit i'm pretty shallow when it comes to hair. i see it on her lip or anywhere besides the top of her head or downstairs (even then it better be short supply down there) and i'm gone. call me whatever you like.
70. Unless they’re lesbians, she won’t approve of your hanging out with other girls. Even if they’re ugly. And, really, even if they’re lesbians.
and really she's insecure and will probably push her man into banging as many of them as he can just for pissing him off.
69. If you have something to hide, she’ll find it.
the hell she will. you'll never be privy to all our secrets ladies. get over it. it's ok that we don't share every fuckin aspect of our lives with you.
68. Eighty-five: The number of males per 100 females in Gary, Indiana, lowest male-to-female ratio of any city with a population of 100,000-plus. The highest male-to-female ratio is in Salinas, California: 114 males for every 100 females.
ITT Tech in San Antonio: 10 females for every 100 males. of those, 4 are bangable.
67. Kiss her before two dates have gone by or you’ll be “friended.”
bang her before 3 dates or you'll be whipped as a puppy when she finally gives it up.
66. They can't live without tension. Every once in a while she's gonna pick a fight with you for no reason. Accept this as a running, inevitable theme and your relationship will make a lot more sense.
gentlemen pay attention: this will happen ONLY IF YOU LET IT!!!! fuck her and her drama. if she picks a fight and you know she's just doing it to fight, then you counter by throwing everything you possibly can at her. she's launching an attack and expecting you to roll over so she can placate her fucking female ego. you respond with the wrath of god. then when it's all done and the smoke clears, you pick a random fight with her as soon as it's done. fight back guys or she'll always have your balls in her purse.
65. The most painless way to end an argument: Let her win.
then return to the ocean like the spineless jellyfish you've become you pansy. fight back and be a man.
64. An online dating service’s survey found that a woman’s ideal man has brown hair and blue eyes.
how nice for them.
63. In the U.S., 21 percent of women ages 18 to 59 hold out for their honeymoon.
in the U.S., 21 percent of women are fucking lairs. or are convinced oral doesn't count.
62. A British study claims a woman’s chances of getting married drop by 40 percent for every 16-point rise in her IQ. The same increase in IQ for a man boosted his chances of getting married by 35 percent.
that makes no sense. how the hell do you even measure something like that?
61. When a woman tells you her problems, she does not want you to offer solutions.
when a man offers you solutions, he does not want to hear your problems.
60. Women often cite manhandling of breasts as the biggest foreplay faux pas.
too bad. those things are neat. c'mon ladies we don't ask much, just let us pet the kittens and we're all right.
59. “When I’m drunk, I can’t come. Not even with a vibrator.”—Lauren, 35
that ain't our problem. we're going to get ours. sorry honey.
58. If they're going to do it, most wives cheat between the ages of 18 and 29.
hmmm.... yup, yup, yup and yup. i agree.
57. Most women think they’re better drivers than they are. Don’t point this out while she’s at the wheel or she’ll freak and crash.
how comforting.
56. Women ingest about half the lipstick they apply, which means they eat approximately one to three sticks per year.
ewwwww....
54. A woman might say she just wants sex, but sleep with her for a while and she’ll change her tune. “I’ve known so many women who think they can pull this off, but they always develop feelings for the guy,” says Evie, 22.
suckers.
53. According to the American Association of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery, Angelina Jolie’s lips were the most requested celebrity feature among all female patients in 2004.
the most requested among guys as well.
52. Despite always complimenting another woman’s short haircut, she secretly celebrates having one less competitor, since men prefer long hair.
agreed. funny thing is, the 2 girls i was most in love with both had really short hair when we first hooked up. i gotta stay away from short haired chicks.
51. Don’t call her “cute.” In her mind it’s the same as “not vomit-inducing.” “Sexy,” OK. “Hot,” yes. “Fucking awesome,” only if she’s at least slightly buzzed.
geez, sorry miss sensitive.
50. Women often buy shoes a size or two small because they’re in denial about the size of their feet—which they can’t stand.
cry me a freaking river.
49. They dream of one day peeing in a urinal.
ain't happening, sorry gals.
48. Women know where they stand looks-wise but worry about being considered cool, about which they’re unsure.
welcome to fragile-self-image-ville.... population.... all the women on the planet.
47. According to the U.S. Bureau of Statistics, 23 percent of 18- to 34-year-old women live with their parents, versus 31 percent of you losers.
ok let's get something straight. a fact that chicks don't like to acknowledge. careers at this point are still an OPTION for women. with a few exceptions you all always have the option of getting married and living off a guy for the rest of your life. don't get me wrong, my best friends wives are stay at home moms and i love them both like sisters, i'm not saying it's a bad thing. i'm just saying that it's fucked up that society makes no judgements on women who either live with their parents or are married and stay home versus a guy who lives with his parents.
46. Women want to talk dirty, but they’re afraid you won’t respect them in the morning. Reassure her that letting go in bed doesn’t make her less classy and she’ll probably go wild. Jäger helps.
well of COURSE i'll still respect you after you call me daddy and tell me to spank you like the filthy girl you are..... *snicker*
45. Twenty-three percent of this magazine’s readers are women.
great gals all of them.
44. A psycho jealous girl will do anything to keep her man—including anal.
god bless those girls too.
41. If she suddenly cuts her hair short, it might mean she no longer cares what you think of her. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about someone else’s opinion.
and you girls wonder why guys are so apathetic about what the hell you wear or your hair and shit.
40. About half of all brides will lose a good friend over a ridiculous bridesmaid squabble.
pathetic.
39. It never hurts to say you're sorry, even if you don't mean it.
it hurts even less to not say anything.
38. Let her beat you at something once in a while—poker, chess, Ping-Pong—and she’ll be more likely to give you what you want, like some peace and quiet.
so once again we're supposed to accept being bullied into flushing our pride down the john. yeah i'm going to go with FUCK THAT.
37. Women’s public bathrooms are about three times more disgusting than men’s.
there's a reason why..... keep reading.....
36. “At one point or another, I’ve gone through your things looking for any evidence from past relationships. I’m talking photographs, postcards, mementos, address books, diaries. If you don’t like it, get rid of this stuff before letting me in your apartment. It’s not about trust; it’s about curiosity, and it drives us crazy till it’s been satiated.”—Caroline, 28
so once again your crazy bat-shit behavior is all MY fault. nice.
35. Like you, girls hate nothing more than a clingy partner who needs them every eight seconds.
then don't date closet gay men.
34. Chick rock strikes a deeply primal chord inside women while simultaneously revolting men. Just sit back and let her sing the Sarah McLachlan or Ani DiFranco song. It’s only about four minutes long.
or give her some fucking headphones. fuck your music.
33. The average woman owns eight bras and wears each one five times before washing. Shasta!
are you trying to gross us out? we're GUYS. we do shit like turning our underwear inside-out to get another day's use out of them.
32. Girls will not sit on any toilet outside their own home or a five-star hotel. Everywhere else they’re hovering above the toilet in a squat.
does #37 make sense now?
31. Got a new girl coming over? Your (tidy) bathroom should include clean linen, a box of Puffs Plus, and several full rolls of TP.
puffs plus? should we get some tampons too?
30. “Don’t caress our faces while we’re kissing, unless you really, really, really like us.”—Rachel, 21
uh, ok.
29. On a first date, women never order what they really want to eat.
just eat what you order then. we honestly care more about that than how MUCH you eat.
28. Breast augmentation surgery has grown by 257 percent since 1997. The most popular size? C-cup. As if you didn’t know.
didn't know, don't care. real or fake make shit difference to me and to most guys so don't try and pull that "we're doing it for YOU" shit.
27. Gain her trust when you’re out by calling her at 10 P.M. She’ll go to bed content you’re thinking of her, even if you’re slurping Jell-O shots off some skank’s cleavage.
yeah right. how stupid do you think we are?
26. Put down the Drakkar and grab a box of Good & Plenty. Women are turned on by the scent of black licorice.
look honey, i rubbed CANDY all over myself!!!! giggity giggity giggity!!!!
25. At least one of her friends wants to sleep with you.
point her out and we'll make that lucky gal's dreams come true. bow chicka bow wow!!!!
24. A good but flawed man is a fixer-upper gem, and women love nothing more than home improvements.
and on the off chance you aren't that flawed, she'll find something to change in you. if you let her.
23. Every woman is self-conscious about her ass. Tell her you love her ass and you’ll see it more often.
does spanking it a lot work?
22. If you want more sex, tell your girl an attractive woman hit on you that day. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.
failing that, break out the sex panther. i gotta tell ya, that smells like pure gasoline.
21. More than half of surveyed females between 18 and 25 would prefer to be run over by a truck than be fat.
the other half broke the truck and ended up fat.
20. All women think they’re smarter than their partners in some significant way.
hee hee. silly girls.
19. The more piercings she has, the more places she’ll let you put it.
so according to this list, find a girl who's scared stiff of losing you and with tons of piercings and you're on the road to back-door-loving.
18. Once in a while, let her pick the movie and don't complain about it.
nah.
17. Any good woman will tell ya, honesty is not always the best policy.
till she catches you in a lie. then suddenly she can't trust you.... blah blah blah.....
16. Chicks aren’t afraid to get kinky; you just have to have the nerve to ask.
but remember, like Chris Rock says, your woman will do any nasty dirty skanky thing you want but you gotta come correct. none of this, "eh eh eh excuse me..... eh eh.... i have a request... eh eh eh.... would you eh... lick my balls?" otherwise you get, "WHAT!?!? lick your own damn balls!!" so guys make sure you ask proper.
15. Girls don’t want to date doormats. So make her proud and refuse to give up bowling night with the guys.
so she can stay home eat ice cream and cry waiting for you while she sets up a few charges of emotional C4 that she'll detonate the second you get home. lose-lose fellas.
14. Don't take a woman to a concert you really want to see—she'll just want to leave early.
translate to jimmy-talk: ditch the bitch.
13. “Women appreciate a big penis, but having one doesn’t give you an excuse to suck at foreplay.”—Elena, 28
yeah? well guys love big tits, but having them doesn't give you an excuse to not give head.
12. Studies show women are more attracted to “macho” guys near ovulation. The rest of the month, they’re drawn to “good providers,” otherwise known as chumps.
so just leave it in "macho mode" take what you can get while she's ovulating, and the rest of the time you get to keep your fucking dignity.
11. She likes one of your friends.
if he's my friend then you don't have a chance in hell honey. if he isn't, he's a dead man. plain and simple. bros before hoes.
10. Ugly girls like to hang out with pretty girls because it makes them feel like they're more attractive. Pretty girls hang out with ugly girls for the same reason.
you're all the same when the lights go out.
9. The minute she decides she’s even mildly interested in you, she starts making mental pictures of what your kids would look like and imagining her first name with your last.
gee, why are guys so afraid of commitment?
8. Sixty percent of women in the United States color their hair, according to L’Oréal (who are obviously hoping they can peer-pressure the other 40 percent).
popular color? i'm betting blonde.
7. Dated a stripper? Keep your mouth shut, stupid.
duh.
6. Rub a sheet of medium-grade sandpaper across your face. That’s your five o’clock shadow when you kiss her. Now rub that sandpaper on your inner thigh. (Mind you, we’re not suggesting you shave.)
we know, we just like giving you something legit to bitch about once in a while.
5. Female serial killers tend to use poison rather than guns or knives.
comforting.
4. Foghat’s “Slow Ride” is not about a trip in the car. Get the hint?
Nine Inch Nail's "Closer" isn't about a trip to the zoo. get the hint?
3. The one breakup line she’ll never be able to argue you out of: “I’m sorry, but I no longer have feelings for you.”
yeah right.
2. Buying a present for your girl? She’ll hate it (and you) if she finds out you took along another woman to help pick it out.
excuuuuuse us for asking for advice from someone who might know what to get you.
1. You'll probably never know how many guys she's slept with. The standard lie is five. Which really means about 12.
once again, we don't care. as long as we're the only ones you're sleeping with NOW.
Friday, February 01, 2008
Firearms
Saw this online. I like it.
FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE
'Those who hammer their guns into plows
will plow for those who do not.'
~ Thomas Jefferson
1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
3. Colt: The original point and click interface.
4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
7. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
8. If you don't know your rights, you don't have any.
9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
10. The United States Constitution (c)1791. All Rights Reserved.
11. What part of 'shall not be infringed' do you not understand?
12. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.
13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
14. Guns only have two enemies; rust and politicians.
15. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.
16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
17. 911: Government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.
18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
19. Criminals love gun control; it makes their jobs safer.
20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.
22. You have only the rights you are willing to fight for.
23. Enforce the gun control laws we ALREADY have; don't make more.
24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
25. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.
FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE
'Those who hammer their guns into plows
will plow for those who do not.'
~ Thomas Jefferson
1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
3. Colt: The original point and click interface.
4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
7. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
8. If you don't know your rights, you don't have any.
9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
10. The United States Constitution (c)1791. All Rights Reserved.
11. What part of 'shall not be infringed' do you not understand?
12. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.
13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
14. Guns only have two enemies; rust and politicians.
15. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.
16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
17. 911: Government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.
18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
19. Criminals love gun control; it makes their jobs safer.
20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.
22. You have only the rights you are willing to fight for.
23. Enforce the gun control laws we ALREADY have; don't make more.
24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
25. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.
Friday, January 04, 2008
overquoted movies
tonight's "tales of jackassery" we take you to a blog post by someone who decided he was going to tell us the 10 most obnoxiously overquoted movies.
ok, so here's my problems with the list.
1 - he didn't stay with 10. i mean jesus, his list had at #7 "anything with samuel l jackson". HUH? congrats retard, you just expanded the list from 10 to about 100. #4 was "the austin powers series". that's 3 you idiot. if the list is 10 then stay with 10.
2 - he didn't really take social crowds into consideration. maybe all HIS nimrod friends quote Napoleon Dynamite, but i'm afraid quoting it around my friends will get you a funny look and an ass-kicking.
3 - no history in context. monty python was the only movie older than 10 years. this jackass never heard "show me the money!!"???? i wanna poke people's eyes out when i hear that quoted and i've never even seen the movie (long story, i'll explain sometime why). maybe it's just some 10 year old kid blogging. come to think of it, given his amazing math skills, maybe he IS 10.
4 - the ancorman rant. he goes on some long-ass spiel about Will Farrell and when it comes time to list quotes.... half of them are Steve Carell lines. consistency there spanky. how about some consistency.
so anyways, just to show it isn't just all negative here in Rantville i'm going to help out by giving my own list. a list of movies that are fun to quote and people will never stop. unlike dumbass, i'm not going to set a number only to go over it by 100. so here's a list.
Movies We Love to Quote and Probably Won't Stop Any Time Soon
- anything by Mel Brooks. you can't go wrong quoting Mel movies. the man is a comedy god.
"hey where are the white women at?"
"we're not just doing this for money.....we're doing it for a SHITLOAD of money!!!"
"what in the wide wide world of sports is a going on here?!?!"
- the Naked Gun series. the 3rd one didn't quite live up to the hilarity of the other 2, but it was still great, and i like being able to see OJ on the TV and not say "oh god what has he done NOW?"
"nice beaver."
"Hey look! it's Enrico Pallazzo!!!"
"just think, the next time i shoot someone, i could be arrested."
"i've been swimming in raw sewage. i love it!"
- Monty Python and the Holy Grail. screw him, this movie never gets old. EVER.
"let's not bicker and argue about who killed who"
"have at you!!"
"she turned me into a newt!!"
- anything Arnold did prior to Twins. that isn't to say he hasn't done good movies since then, but after that he just never had quite the same.... i dunno. it just wasn't the same.
"crush your enemy, see him driven before you, and hear the lamentation of the women!!"
"go ahead bennett, let off some steam."
"you remember when i said i'd kill you last? i lied."
"i'll be back"
"Killian, here's your Subzero, now plain zero!!"
random tangent...... i was on imdb checking out Conan the Barbarian. check out the trivia section. this is cool.
- Conan's response to the Mongol General is an abbreviation of a real quote attributed to Gengis Khan: "The greatest pleasure is to vanquish your enemies and chase them before you, to rob them of their wealth and see those dear to them bathed in tears, to ride their horses and clasp to your bosom their wives and daughters."
- Arnold Schwarzenegger had to tone down his workout, as his arm/chest muscles were so big that he couldn't wield a sword properly.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sandahl Bergman did their own stunts, as suitable body doubles couldn't be found.
- The life of Conan oddly mirrors that of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Conan's formative years are spent in a small village, then spent in hard manual labor as a slave. Then Conan gains fame and wealth through his physical prowess. Although at first given to wine and women, he eventually abandons his hedonism and uses his skills for acts of heroism. Eventually, Conan becomes a king. In real life, Schwarzenegger was born in a small Austrian village and spent his life bodybuilding. He then becomes famous and wealthy through bodybuilding competitions and action/adventure movies. Schwarzenegger engaged in drug use and womanizing in his past, but gave those up later in life and then campaigned for social causes. Eventually, he was elected Governor of California.
ok, so here's my problems with the list.
1 - he didn't stay with 10. i mean jesus, his list had at #7 "anything with samuel l jackson". HUH? congrats retard, you just expanded the list from 10 to about 100. #4 was "the austin powers series". that's 3 you idiot. if the list is 10 then stay with 10.
2 - he didn't really take social crowds into consideration. maybe all HIS nimrod friends quote Napoleon Dynamite, but i'm afraid quoting it around my friends will get you a funny look and an ass-kicking.
3 - no history in context. monty python was the only movie older than 10 years. this jackass never heard "show me the money!!"???? i wanna poke people's eyes out when i hear that quoted and i've never even seen the movie (long story, i'll explain sometime why). maybe it's just some 10 year old kid blogging. come to think of it, given his amazing math skills, maybe he IS 10.
4 - the ancorman rant. he goes on some long-ass spiel about Will Farrell and when it comes time to list quotes.... half of them are Steve Carell lines. consistency there spanky. how about some consistency.
so anyways, just to show it isn't just all negative here in Rantville i'm going to help out by giving my own list. a list of movies that are fun to quote and people will never stop. unlike dumbass, i'm not going to set a number only to go over it by 100. so here's a list.
Movies We Love to Quote and Probably Won't Stop Any Time Soon
- anything by Mel Brooks. you can't go wrong quoting Mel movies. the man is a comedy god.
"hey where are the white women at?"
"we're not just doing this for money.....we're doing it for a SHITLOAD of money!!!"
"what in the wide wide world of sports is a going on here?!?!"
- the Naked Gun series. the 3rd one didn't quite live up to the hilarity of the other 2, but it was still great, and i like being able to see OJ on the TV and not say "oh god what has he done NOW?"
"nice beaver."
"Hey look! it's Enrico Pallazzo!!!"
"just think, the next time i shoot someone, i could be arrested."
"i've been swimming in raw sewage. i love it!"
- Monty Python and the Holy Grail. screw him, this movie never gets old. EVER.
"let's not bicker and argue about who killed who"
"have at you!!"
"she turned me into a newt!!"
- anything Arnold did prior to Twins. that isn't to say he hasn't done good movies since then, but after that he just never had quite the same.... i dunno. it just wasn't the same.
"crush your enemy, see him driven before you, and hear the lamentation of the women!!"
"go ahead bennett, let off some steam."
"you remember when i said i'd kill you last? i lied."
"i'll be back"
"Killian, here's your Subzero, now plain zero!!"
random tangent...... i was on imdb checking out Conan the Barbarian. check out the trivia section. this is cool.
- Conan's response to the Mongol General is an abbreviation of a real quote attributed to Gengis Khan: "The greatest pleasure is to vanquish your enemies and chase them before you, to rob them of their wealth and see those dear to them bathed in tears, to ride their horses and clasp to your bosom their wives and daughters."
- Arnold Schwarzenegger had to tone down his workout, as his arm/chest muscles were so big that he couldn't wield a sword properly.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sandahl Bergman did their own stunts, as suitable body doubles couldn't be found.
- The life of Conan oddly mirrors that of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Conan's formative years are spent in a small village, then spent in hard manual labor as a slave. Then Conan gains fame and wealth through his physical prowess. Although at first given to wine and women, he eventually abandons his hedonism and uses his skills for acts of heroism. Eventually, Conan becomes a king. In real life, Schwarzenegger was born in a small Austrian village and spent his life bodybuilding. He then becomes famous and wealthy through bodybuilding competitions and action/adventure movies. Schwarzenegger engaged in drug use and womanizing in his past, but gave those up later in life and then campaigned for social causes. Eventually, he was elected Governor of California.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
50 things
menshealth.com has done a "50 things men wish women knew" list. i give the mayor jimmy treatment. my comments are in italics.
1. Express yourself. It makes us proud, even if someone thinks you're wrong.
yes yes dear god yes. this isn't the 50s. women can speak their minds. please do. i fucking hate when chicks sit there and let the conversation pass them by.
2. You look hot in running shoes and shorts. And that top thingy with the stripes.
oh yes. throw in the glistening sweat on your body and BAM!!!!
3. Bare, tan shoulders are underrated.
uh...ok? why tan?
4. If you think I’m speeding now, you should see me drive when you're not in the car.
fuck that. she gets my full throttle driving every damn time. that was the very first thing that sealed it that Kristin (K2) and i had a future together, my driving didn't scare her. not even when we were driving back from Chris's wedding and i raced some dude from the Maryland State line into Baltimore at 130 MPH.
5. If you're truly interested in us, don't play hard to get.
plain and simple, just don't play hard to get PERIOD. that shit is fucking annoying. yes ha ha very funny you like to feel needed. that shit will backfire on you honey. i promise. like when he fucks some other girl who doesn't play games and just gives up the ass.
6. Shopping is a chore, not an activity.
meh... that depends on what we shop FOR. i like shopping for electronics.
7. When I screw up, go ahead and tell me--once.
key word, once. then please just shut your pie hole.
8. No question need ever be asked through a closed bathroom door if I'm inside. I love you less with each syllable you utter.
can't a man take a shit in peace? this is why we fart in public. we're conditioning you to avoid us in bowel movement situations. we take our dumps seriously. grant us this peace.
9. I'm hot for you, not your sister or your friend or your coworker.
and if i am i will never tell you. ever. no matter how often you ask. and we aren't falling for that "you can say it i won't be mad" line. nice try.
10. My guy friends. Not only are they not negotiable, they’re your best sign that I’m not a whack job.
bros before hoes
11. Don't be afraid to ditch the makeup. Natural is sexier.
true. Kristen (K1) pretty much never wore makeup and she always looked great. it also makes it that much better when a girl does wear makeup if she isn't always wearing it.
12. Leave the eyebrows alone. Plucked ain't pretty.
unless you're sporting a unibrow.
13. You can have sex with us any time you want. Seriously.
no really. ANY time. i've had sex while watching a NASCAR race. ah Jennifer, she was a nice gal.
14. When the game is on, we will pay attention to you if you're nice about it. Bark, and we shut down.
add to the experience, don't try and detract. that's the key. cheer with us, be elsewhere, or just shut the fuck up. don't sit and bug us or ask a TON of questions DURING the game.
15. I don't ask for directions because I’m just happy to be driving. Anywhere.
and cuz i'm a man. geez haven't you ever listened to a stand-up comedian?
16. Masturbation is merely practice for the big game. Encourage it.
gotta disagree BIG time here. if i have a girlfriend i don't need to do it. and i'm happy to not have to need to.
17. We crave hugs and hand-holding too. And no, it doesn't always have to lead to sex.
but if it does..... GIGGITY!!!
18. But you can have sex with us any time you want. Did we mention that?
ANY time. Kristin (K2) and i once had sex in her closet while i was helping her pack to move in with me. that kind of spontaneous sexual outburst is awesome.
19. There's no better sound in the world than you, having an orgasm.
yeah. i've always said that 75% of the enjoyment of sex for guys (well, for ME at least) is the response we get from her. the moaning, the clawing, the squirming around, the yelling.... it's ALL good.
20. Though the exhaust note of a Porsche Boxster is pretty damn fine, too.
or if you don't like the eurotrash, A Vette or Viper. sweet.
21. I just may lie to make you feel good. Don’t be angry about this. You really weren't looking for the truth anyway.
YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!!!
22. When you get angry over some stupid little pointless thing, I question your intelligence.
and the more you do it, the easier it gets to just tune you out. sooner or later we're going to tunr you out no matter what you bitch about, even important things.
23. You’re really bad at faking it.
if i'm not doing something right then fucking tell me. unless of course you're going to tell me "make your cock grow bigger", then we're both out of luck.
24. If I offer my help while you're getting ready, it means you’re late.
it's either that or i start bugging you. pick your poison or get ready faster.
25. Never ask me to pick out your outfit. (See above.) I will invariably get it wrong and make us even more late.
i'm supposed to believe you don't know how to dress yourself? gimmie a fucking break.
26. Giving me two or three choices, however, can be fun. Assuming you will change outfits in front of me. Slowly.
of course, then we're going to be REALLY late.
27. Err on the side of hot; I love to show you off.
there's nothing wrong with that is there?
28. Unless we're meeting my parents.
i trust her to be smart enough not to get whored up to meet her boyfriend's parents.
29. When you call us at work "just to chat," we're not really listening; we're checking our e-mail.
bottom line, have a point to the call or don't.
30. Spring means baseball and skirts. Doesn't need to be a mini-skirt; it's been a long winter.
well, skirts anyway.
31. Chicks who drink beer are hot. Better yet: chicks who drink beer and watch the game. Better still: chicks who buy us a beer during the game.
shit, you do that and you're pretty much guaranteed to get that ring a HELL of a lot faster.
32. We don't mind being told we look good. Just don't call it a "cute outfit."
got an outfit you like us in? tell us.
33. We love ponytails.
second only to pigtails.
34. Being good in bed means a) enthusiasm; b) a sense of humor; and sometimes c) patience.
i dunno bout all that. maybe this guy isn't too sure of himself. enthusiasm isn't bad. i'd say the biggest key is communication. verbal or body language.
35. The first time? We're as nervous as you are.
i was more like "HOLY SHIT, I'M HAVING SEX!!!!!!" than anything. i'll never forget the next day at school. i might as well have hung a sign around my neck that said "i got laid". chris and cody both figured it out within like 15 seconds.
36. A random unexpected grope is always welcome, even in public. Especially in public.
hell yeah. touch me baby.
37. Make us laugh and we'll want to hang around.
cannot be overstated enough. boring girls SUCK.
38. Yes, I laugh really loud around the guys. And I always will, so deal.
so there
39. Sure, men stereotypically like to solve a woman's problems. But a woman who solves her own while we watch? Instant erection.
i'm not sure if he's suggesting she pleasure herself in front of us. or just literally solve her own problem instead of bugging us. either one is cool with me.
40. You can pick the movie, but have a reason.
oh no. fuck no. i'm not watching a chick flik. period. you have girls-nite-out for that shit.
41. Do not expect to have a conversation via text message unless you use the words "naked" and "waiting."
or like calling at work, have a point.
42. Sometimes we wonder why any woman would want to be with us, much less someone as amazing as you. So, thanks.
it's true. seriously, what the hell did you ever see in me? kristen? carrie? yolanda? kristin?
43. Anytime you cook for us, we're happy.
especially if it's meat.
44. If you can hit a golf ball 150 yards, we just might fall in love.
maybe this guy. not me. if you can drive a car at 150 MPH, then i'm in love.
45. No, I don't remember what he said next. Or she. Or anybody, for that matter. I'm a guy, not a tape recorder.
so STOP ASKING
46. We love you even more because you know we need to go out with the guys once in a while.
hint-fucking-hint
47. And we love it when you hang with us guys, too.
on occasion. don't push it.
48. We have a keen sense of imminent danger. It sounds like, "Do you think she's pretty?"
we got a bunch of sound clips that go off.
- admiral ackbar "it's a trap!!"
- captain picard "RED ALERT!!"
- that robot from lost in space "danger will robinson!!"
49. Don't rely on us for keeping you up on the news.
we're useless like that.
50. Never say, "I know you better than you know yourself." Nobody does.
unless you WANT me to say "the fuck you do honey."
and there's another list given the jimmy treatment.
1. Express yourself. It makes us proud, even if someone thinks you're wrong.
yes yes dear god yes. this isn't the 50s. women can speak their minds. please do. i fucking hate when chicks sit there and let the conversation pass them by.
2. You look hot in running shoes and shorts. And that top thingy with the stripes.
oh yes. throw in the glistening sweat on your body and BAM!!!!
3. Bare, tan shoulders are underrated.
uh...ok? why tan?
4. If you think I’m speeding now, you should see me drive when you're not in the car.
fuck that. she gets my full throttle driving every damn time. that was the very first thing that sealed it that Kristin (K2) and i had a future together, my driving didn't scare her. not even when we were driving back from Chris's wedding and i raced some dude from the Maryland State line into Baltimore at 130 MPH.
5. If you're truly interested in us, don't play hard to get.
plain and simple, just don't play hard to get PERIOD. that shit is fucking annoying. yes ha ha very funny you like to feel needed. that shit will backfire on you honey. i promise. like when he fucks some other girl who doesn't play games and just gives up the ass.
6. Shopping is a chore, not an activity.
meh... that depends on what we shop FOR. i like shopping for electronics.
7. When I screw up, go ahead and tell me--once.
key word, once. then please just shut your pie hole.
8. No question need ever be asked through a closed bathroom door if I'm inside. I love you less with each syllable you utter.
can't a man take a shit in peace? this is why we fart in public. we're conditioning you to avoid us in bowel movement situations. we take our dumps seriously. grant us this peace.
9. I'm hot for you, not your sister or your friend or your coworker.
and if i am i will never tell you. ever. no matter how often you ask. and we aren't falling for that "you can say it i won't be mad" line. nice try.
10. My guy friends. Not only are they not negotiable, they’re your best sign that I’m not a whack job.
bros before hoes
11. Don't be afraid to ditch the makeup. Natural is sexier.
true. Kristen (K1) pretty much never wore makeup and she always looked great. it also makes it that much better when a girl does wear makeup if she isn't always wearing it.
12. Leave the eyebrows alone. Plucked ain't pretty.
unless you're sporting a unibrow.
13. You can have sex with us any time you want. Seriously.
no really. ANY time. i've had sex while watching a NASCAR race. ah Jennifer, she was a nice gal.
14. When the game is on, we will pay attention to you if you're nice about it. Bark, and we shut down.
add to the experience, don't try and detract. that's the key. cheer with us, be elsewhere, or just shut the fuck up. don't sit and bug us or ask a TON of questions DURING the game.
15. I don't ask for directions because I’m just happy to be driving. Anywhere.
and cuz i'm a man. geez haven't you ever listened to a stand-up comedian?
16. Masturbation is merely practice for the big game. Encourage it.
gotta disagree BIG time here. if i have a girlfriend i don't need to do it. and i'm happy to not have to need to.
17. We crave hugs and hand-holding too. And no, it doesn't always have to lead to sex.
but if it does..... GIGGITY!!!
18. But you can have sex with us any time you want. Did we mention that?
ANY time. Kristin (K2) and i once had sex in her closet while i was helping her pack to move in with me. that kind of spontaneous sexual outburst is awesome.
19. There's no better sound in the world than you, having an orgasm.
yeah. i've always said that 75% of the enjoyment of sex for guys (well, for ME at least) is the response we get from her. the moaning, the clawing, the squirming around, the yelling.... it's ALL good.
20. Though the exhaust note of a Porsche Boxster is pretty damn fine, too.
or if you don't like the eurotrash, A Vette or Viper. sweet.
21. I just may lie to make you feel good. Don’t be angry about this. You really weren't looking for the truth anyway.
YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!!!
22. When you get angry over some stupid little pointless thing, I question your intelligence.
and the more you do it, the easier it gets to just tune you out. sooner or later we're going to tunr you out no matter what you bitch about, even important things.
23. You’re really bad at faking it.
if i'm not doing something right then fucking tell me. unless of course you're going to tell me "make your cock grow bigger", then we're both out of luck.
24. If I offer my help while you're getting ready, it means you’re late.
it's either that or i start bugging you. pick your poison or get ready faster.
25. Never ask me to pick out your outfit. (See above.) I will invariably get it wrong and make us even more late.
i'm supposed to believe you don't know how to dress yourself? gimmie a fucking break.
26. Giving me two or three choices, however, can be fun. Assuming you will change outfits in front of me. Slowly.
of course, then we're going to be REALLY late.
27. Err on the side of hot; I love to show you off.
there's nothing wrong with that is there?
28. Unless we're meeting my parents.
i trust her to be smart enough not to get whored up to meet her boyfriend's parents.
29. When you call us at work "just to chat," we're not really listening; we're checking our e-mail.
bottom line, have a point to the call or don't.
30. Spring means baseball and skirts. Doesn't need to be a mini-skirt; it's been a long winter.
well, skirts anyway.
31. Chicks who drink beer are hot. Better yet: chicks who drink beer and watch the game. Better still: chicks who buy us a beer during the game.
shit, you do that and you're pretty much guaranteed to get that ring a HELL of a lot faster.
32. We don't mind being told we look good. Just don't call it a "cute outfit."
got an outfit you like us in? tell us.
33. We love ponytails.
second only to pigtails.
34. Being good in bed means a) enthusiasm; b) a sense of humor; and sometimes c) patience.
i dunno bout all that. maybe this guy isn't too sure of himself. enthusiasm isn't bad. i'd say the biggest key is communication. verbal or body language.
35. The first time? We're as nervous as you are.
i was more like "HOLY SHIT, I'M HAVING SEX!!!!!!" than anything. i'll never forget the next day at school. i might as well have hung a sign around my neck that said "i got laid". chris and cody both figured it out within like 15 seconds.
36. A random unexpected grope is always welcome, even in public. Especially in public.
hell yeah. touch me baby.
37. Make us laugh and we'll want to hang around.
cannot be overstated enough. boring girls SUCK.
38. Yes, I laugh really loud around the guys. And I always will, so deal.
so there
39. Sure, men stereotypically like to solve a woman's problems. But a woman who solves her own while we watch? Instant erection.
i'm not sure if he's suggesting she pleasure herself in front of us. or just literally solve her own problem instead of bugging us. either one is cool with me.
40. You can pick the movie, but have a reason.
oh no. fuck no. i'm not watching a chick flik. period. you have girls-nite-out for that shit.
41. Do not expect to have a conversation via text message unless you use the words "naked" and "waiting."
or like calling at work, have a point.
42. Sometimes we wonder why any woman would want to be with us, much less someone as amazing as you. So, thanks.
it's true. seriously, what the hell did you ever see in me? kristen? carrie? yolanda? kristin?
43. Anytime you cook for us, we're happy.
especially if it's meat.
44. If you can hit a golf ball 150 yards, we just might fall in love.
maybe this guy. not me. if you can drive a car at 150 MPH, then i'm in love.
45. No, I don't remember what he said next. Or she. Or anybody, for that matter. I'm a guy, not a tape recorder.
so STOP ASKING
46. We love you even more because you know we need to go out with the guys once in a while.
hint-fucking-hint
47. And we love it when you hang with us guys, too.
on occasion. don't push it.
48. We have a keen sense of imminent danger. It sounds like, "Do you think she's pretty?"
we got a bunch of sound clips that go off.
- admiral ackbar "it's a trap!!"
- captain picard "RED ALERT!!"
- that robot from lost in space "danger will robinson!!"
49. Don't rely on us for keeping you up on the news.
we're useless like that.
50. Never say, "I know you better than you know yourself." Nobody does.
unless you WANT me to say "the fuck you do honey."
and there's another list given the jimmy treatment.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Saved movies
11 movies made BETTER due to historical inaccuracy.
#5 - read the "why it would have sucked otherwise". i agree 1000%
#5 - read the "why it would have sucked otherwise". i agree 1000%
Friday, December 21, 2007
Confidence
my sister and i were watching a rerun of "so you think you can dance" earlier today. it got me thinking about confidence. see, there's different kinds of being confident.
- repeaters confidence. this is the person talking over and over about how confident they are. "you can do this, you can do this....." this is a scared bastard who's barely hanging on. fucking with this person is not only easy, but fun.
- confidence by proxy. mostly a team thing. you got one or two guys who are good to go and the other guys are counting on them to stay strong. this backfires though when the keystone guys get taken out. like if Kobe went down in a game. you can't tell me the rest of the Lakers wouldn't all want to just go back to the locker room and cry.
- straight denial. this is the confidence you see mostly on fat chicks. you know the ones. "i look GOOD...." no honey you don't. you're fat as hell and the guys only pay attention because you put out and you give good head. come to think of it, it's pretty much only chicks who have this kind of confidence.
- OVERconfidence. this is kinda like denial but mostly found on guys. you know, like the guys who are screaming at nobody. "ALL RIGHT LET'S DO THIS!!!! I AM GOING TO FUCKING ROCK THIS SHIT!!!! WOO!!!!!! YEAH BABY!!!!!" just stay the hell away from these guys and have a camera ready.
- gang leader. this is being confident because you got people backing you up. pretty much any pussy in a gang. he's all mouth and shit talk because he's got his boys backing him up. get this guy alone and he's a little bitch. pathetic.
- false confidence. this is the kind you see in movie stars and celebs. they have people kissing their asses nonstop so pretty soon they figure nothing they do is wrong. honestly, i don't blame them for it. any damn one of us would act the same way if we had people reacting to us the way people react towards celebs now. you're full of shit if you think you wouldn't.
- genuine confidence. this one is easy to spot. it's the person who isn't saying anything. someone who is sure of them self doesn't need to flaunt it.
- repeaters confidence. this is the person talking over and over about how confident they are. "you can do this, you can do this....." this is a scared bastard who's barely hanging on. fucking with this person is not only easy, but fun.
- confidence by proxy. mostly a team thing. you got one or two guys who are good to go and the other guys are counting on them to stay strong. this backfires though when the keystone guys get taken out. like if Kobe went down in a game. you can't tell me the rest of the Lakers wouldn't all want to just go back to the locker room and cry.
- straight denial. this is the confidence you see mostly on fat chicks. you know the ones. "i look GOOD...." no honey you don't. you're fat as hell and the guys only pay attention because you put out and you give good head. come to think of it, it's pretty much only chicks who have this kind of confidence.
- OVERconfidence. this is kinda like denial but mostly found on guys. you know, like the guys who are screaming at nobody. "ALL RIGHT LET'S DO THIS!!!! I AM GOING TO FUCKING ROCK THIS SHIT!!!! WOO!!!!!! YEAH BABY!!!!!" just stay the hell away from these guys and have a camera ready.
- gang leader. this is being confident because you got people backing you up. pretty much any pussy in a gang. he's all mouth and shit talk because he's got his boys backing him up. get this guy alone and he's a little bitch. pathetic.
- false confidence. this is the kind you see in movie stars and celebs. they have people kissing their asses nonstop so pretty soon they figure nothing they do is wrong. honestly, i don't blame them for it. any damn one of us would act the same way if we had people reacting to us the way people react towards celebs now. you're full of shit if you think you wouldn't.
- genuine confidence. this one is easy to spot. it's the person who isn't saying anything. someone who is sure of them self doesn't need to flaunt it.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Fight Scenes
way back when i was in Afghanistan i was working on a series of lists. It was a bunch of lists under the massive heading "best fight scene". it was a series since there are so many ways to classify fight scenes. guns or no guns? weapons or hand-to-hand? best music? vehicles? i never really got anywhere with it. in fact i only got a few entires into the "best start to a fight" list. i found it while digging up some old documents i had backed up on CD. here you go.
BEST START.
1 – CONAN THE DESTROYER. The crypt fight. Conan whipping out a knife and with a simple “Enough talk!!” he starts some shit. Classic Arnold.
2 – SUPERMAN 2. The big showdown. This was a great opening to a great fight. “Come son of jor-el, kneel before zod!!!” how much better does it get? This was not only a great opening, but it set the stage for a classic comedy moment in Mallrats. You better know what I’m talking about.
3 – STAR WARS RETURN OF THE JEDI. There are several fights in this movie that all start great. Like the pit of Carkoon. Everyone is held captive, about to be executed, Luke is walking the plank and things couldn’t looks worse. And in the span of a couple seconds with a simple hand-signal Luke signals R2 and next thing you know he’s gone from about-to-die-captive to opening-can-of-whoopass-jedi. That’s just friggin awesome. The lightsaber duel between father and son. Luke gives into the dark side and gets ready strike down the emperor. But there’s darth…..it makes it clear to Luke he can’t escape a confrontation with him.
4 – DESPERADO. The big showdown between Antonio and his boys against the bad guys. “let’s play.” Simple yet effective.
5 – MATRIX. Lobby shootout. I think we all reacted the same as the guard when Neo opened the jacket showing a fucking arsenal underneath. “holy shit!”
6 – ALIENS. The fight in the cooling tower area. “Let’s rock!!!!” that’s awesome. Vasquez was such a badass.
BEST START.
1 – CONAN THE DESTROYER. The crypt fight. Conan whipping out a knife and with a simple “Enough talk!!” he starts some shit. Classic Arnold.
2 – SUPERMAN 2. The big showdown. This was a great opening to a great fight. “Come son of jor-el, kneel before zod!!!” how much better does it get? This was not only a great opening, but it set the stage for a classic comedy moment in Mallrats. You better know what I’m talking about.
3 – STAR WARS RETURN OF THE JEDI. There are several fights in this movie that all start great. Like the pit of Carkoon. Everyone is held captive, about to be executed, Luke is walking the plank and things couldn’t looks worse. And in the span of a couple seconds with a simple hand-signal Luke signals R2 and next thing you know he’s gone from about-to-die-captive to opening-can-of-whoopass-jedi. That’s just friggin awesome. The lightsaber duel between father and son. Luke gives into the dark side and gets ready strike down the emperor. But there’s darth…..it makes it clear to Luke he can’t escape a confrontation with him.
4 – DESPERADO. The big showdown between Antonio and his boys against the bad guys. “let’s play.” Simple yet effective.
5 – MATRIX. Lobby shootout. I think we all reacted the same as the guard when Neo opened the jacket showing a fucking arsenal underneath. “holy shit!”
6 – ALIENS. The fight in the cooling tower area. “Let’s rock!!!!” that’s awesome. Vasquez was such a badass.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Four things
Got this in an email from a friend. I'll just fill it out on here. Like it says over there in the upper right.... GET TO KNOW ME!!!!
Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Bowling alley lane attendant
2. Car Dealership Porter
3. QVC phone rep
4. Barnes and Nobels clerk
Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Dumb and Dumber
2. Spaceballs
3. Matrix Reloaded
4. Clerks
Four places I have lived:
1. Khandahar, Afghanistan
2. Limestone, Maine
3. US Air Force Academy Prep School
4. Vogelweh, Germany
Four TV Shows that I watch:
1. Family Guy
2. Robot Chicken
3. Football
4. Around The Horn
Four places I have been:
1. Port Douglas, Australia
2. Bangkok, Thailand
3. Tashkent, Uzbekistan
4. Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan
Four people who e-mail me:
1. Robbie
2. Josh
3. Yolanda
4. Courtney (after all, she sent this)
Four of my favorite foods:
1. Steak, Rare, covered in A1
2. Pizza
3. Chicken Fried Rice no veggies from PF Changs
4. Burger with Bacon on it
Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Pattaya Thailand
2. Collecting a lottery check for $100 million
3. In bed with Suzy Kolber
4. High Rollin on the Vegas Strip
Four people I think will respond:
1. Courtney (she better!!!)
2. Cynthia
3. ?
4. that's it. i think they're the only ones who read this blog anymore
Things I am looking forward to this year:
1. another paycheck
2. Mass Effect for the PC
3. some more PC games
4. hell if i know
Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Bowling alley lane attendant
2. Car Dealership Porter
3. QVC phone rep
4. Barnes and Nobels clerk
Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Dumb and Dumber
2. Spaceballs
3. Matrix Reloaded
4. Clerks
Four places I have lived:
1. Khandahar, Afghanistan
2. Limestone, Maine
3. US Air Force Academy Prep School
4. Vogelweh, Germany
Four TV Shows that I watch:
1. Family Guy
2. Robot Chicken
3. Football
4. Around The Horn
Four places I have been:
1. Port Douglas, Australia
2. Bangkok, Thailand
3. Tashkent, Uzbekistan
4. Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan
Four people who e-mail me:
1. Robbie
2. Josh
3. Yolanda
4. Courtney (after all, she sent this)
Four of my favorite foods:
1. Steak, Rare, covered in A1
2. Pizza
3. Chicken Fried Rice no veggies from PF Changs
4. Burger with Bacon on it
Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Pattaya Thailand
2. Collecting a lottery check for $100 million
3. In bed with Suzy Kolber
4. High Rollin on the Vegas Strip
Four people I think will respond:
1. Courtney (she better!!!)
2. Cynthia
3. ?
4. that's it. i think they're the only ones who read this blog anymore
Things I am looking forward to this year:
1. another paycheck
2. Mass Effect for the PC
3. some more PC games
4. hell if i know
Thursday, July 19, 2007
101 Simpsons quotes
Some are actually just 2 lines in the same conversation, but hey it's still funny.
I'd like to also point out that no quotes are from past the 8th or 9th season. Since that's when the show ceased being funny.
anyway, here you go.
I'd like to also point out that no quotes are from past the 8th or 9th season. Since that's when the show ceased being funny.
anyway, here you go.
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