Thursday, November 13, 2008

20 places

The 20 worst places to wake up.

* Your parents’ driveway with the car still running.

* The bushes outside your ex-girlfriend’s apartment using a boom box as a pillow.

* Spooning some random dude.

* In a bath tub covered in blood.

* The Emergency Room with: A) a stab wound, B) significantly less teeth, C) your arms handcuffed to the bed, and/or D) your mom hysterically crying across the room.

* The back seat of a stranger’s car.

* In a strip club getting asked if that last lap dance should go on your credit card like the others.

* On a downtown park bench in a city you’re unfamiliar with.

* Next to your buddy wailing on a chick who may or may not be a professional.

* Surrounded by your friends trying to figure out how you’re too stupid to find a bathroom.

* The back bedroom of a trailer, for the second time.

* Your parents’ kitchen floor.

* Next to a minor telling you it’s “our little secret”.

* The front lawn of the local synagogue.

* Cleveland.

* Next to any chick your friends have nicknamed slam pig, war pig, big bear, polar bear, hedgehog, freight elevator, or anything else that references her size and/or resemblance to a wild animal.

* The drunk tank with someone dropping a deuce in the community toilet.

* The couch with no pants on and the dryer running.

* The neighbors’ front porch when you don’t know the neighbors.

* On the floor of your old apartment with the new residents dialing 911.

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