Wednesday, July 19, 2006
These are 25 things that I've learned over the years. These are my mistakes: don't let them be yours!:
1.) Never buy cocaine from a guy who drives a shittier car than you do. It's okay to buy the cheap shit (meth, weed, crack...) from a guy with a crappy car, but not the good shit.
2.) In Vegas, guys on the street pass out little cards with a hooker’s picture, phone number and a price of $49.95. Don't believe that price; they cost way more then 50 bucks!
3.) When you're about to sleep with a girl and you happen to not have a condom and she tells you "Don't worry, I just got tested", don't sleep with her: she's a dirty whore and will give you an STD.
4.) If a girl begins a blow job by sucking on your balls, she knows what she's doing. If a girl begins a blow job by actually blowing on your dick, she doesn't know what she's doing.
5.) If you're ever in Iraq and you don't feel like wearing your body armor because it's too hot outside, you deserve to die. Always wear the body armor.
6.) If your girlfriend ever comes up to you and tells you that she'll give you one free night to do whatever you want with whomever you want, break up with the bitch on the spot! She's already cheated on you and she just wants you to do the same thing so she doesn't feel like such a slut. Plus, most likely, she has an STD and is hoping she can eventually blame it on you.
7.) If you're talking to a girl and she has a tongue ring and she tells you that she got it just because she thinks it looks cool; she's lying. This girl is in fact a dirty slut who likes to suck dick: buy her two more drinks and take her back to your place!
8.) If you just bought a Rolex for $20 off a guy on the street who swears that it's real...he's a lying bastard. Everyone knows that even stolen Rolexes go for at least $200.
9.) If your buddy ever tells you that he fucks a lot of chicks, he's probably not lying. If he ever tells you that he's never fucked a fat ugly chick, he's lying. If you catch him in that lie and he tells you it was only once, he's lying.
10.) If you meet the woman of your dreams and she fucks you the first night you meet her and she lets you stick your finger in her ass, trust me- she's not the woman of your dreams.
11.) If your girlfriend suddenly starts hanging out with her "long lost" best friend, alone, a lot, and she never invites you out with the two of them and he's a guy - she's cheating on you
12.) Chicks dig guys who are funny; chicks dig really good-looking guys. So, if you're not funny or good-looking - you need to make a lot of money. Cause, chicks dig rich guys way more then they do funny good-looking guys.
13.) A really bad way to pick up a chick is to wear a wedding ring and when she asks if you're married you say, "Yes...I mean, no... I mean...my wife - she died in a car accident 6 months ago, and I just can't take off the ring...I miss her so much...." Because, you know what's going to wind up happening? You're going to end up marrying this bitch and then she's going to die in a car accident.
14.) Another really bad way to pick up a chick is to be talking to her, and then ask her what her most embarrassing moment is. She's going to tell you something stupid, like how she farted in the 6th grade in the cafeteria in front of the whole school. Then, if she's thinking about sucking your dick, she's going to ask what yours is. So, of course, you tell her about the time when you were 21 and how some random girl was sucking your dick in your buddy's bathroom and she asked you how much longer it was going to take, and you told her the rest of the night unless the two of you fucked and then she said that she couldn’t do that because she was only seventeen. Trust me; your buddies are the only ones who think that story is funny.
15.) If you're out and you decide to pick up chicks using a fake name and fake occupation (Rex Volcano - Private Investigator; Hunter Grayson III - M.D.; Frogger Larson - Ex minor league baseball pitcher for the Tehachapi Mudhens; etc.) make sure that you remember your "name" and your "occupation". Also, it helps if you know a little something about your "occupation", because you never know when the girl you're hitting on, as Hunter Grayson III, is a real doctor.
16.) If a girl is over 21 and she tells you she's only had sex with four people, multiple that number by at least five. If you go home with her the first night and she sucks your dick, then starts licking your ass...multiply that number by at least fifty.
17.) Girls tell you that they want a nice sensitive guy who's in touch with his feelings. That's a load of shit! Go ahead, watch Beaches with a chick, start crying... guarantee she's going to get a "headache" and ask you to go home. Once you leave, she’s going to call her ex-boyfriend (the one who treated her like shit and cheated on her more times then you've had sex your entire life), have him come over and fuck his brains out. Why? Because that cocksucker doesn't fucking cry at Beaches!
18.) If your girlfriend ever thinks she's pregnant, don't get mad at her and tell her that she did it on purpose to trap you with her for the rest of your miserable life.
19.) Never piss off God!
20.) If you’re ever at a party and meet a really hot chick who has connections and can get you tickets to pretty much any sporting there is; talk to her! If she starts flirting with you, flirt back. If she wants to leave the party and go “somewhere else”, go with her. Fuck the fact that you have a girlfriend, because be honest, you’ve been meaning to break up with her anyway. Don’t fuck this one up, because if you will…you will wake up everyday for the rest of your life and contemplate slitting your wrists.
21.) For every hot chick out there who you would give anything to fuck, there's a guy out there who's tired of putting up with her bullshit.
22.) It's cool to play with action figures until you're about ten. On the off chance that you're 27 and you still do... never admit it to the really hot girl at the Barnes and Nobles you go to all the time and buy books you've never heard of just to impress her!
23.) If you have a girlfriend - When you're jacking off don't fantasize about anyone but her. Because one night you're going to be fucking her and you're going to get caught up in the moment then you're going to call her the name of the girl you jack off to. To reverse that, if you ever accidentally call your girlfriend the wrong name in bed, because you actually do cheat on her, just use the jacking off excuse.
24.) Good investment – stocks, real estate. Bad investments - DVDs, action figures, comic books.
25.) If you're fucking your buddy's girlfriend, don't blow your load in her mouth. Your buddy's got to kiss her - have some fucking respect!
Friday, July 14, 2006
Jacob Woods just wanted to play the latest N-B-A video game, but the disc he brought home from the store had nothing to do with basketball.
When the eleven-year-old Stokes County boy installed the video into his Playstation Portable, what played was a pornographic movie.
Tony Woods says the game box was sealed and wrapped when he bought it at a local Wal-Mart.
A Wal-Mart spokeswoman says the company will exchange the tape or refund the video for a new one. She says the chain will also work with the manufacturer to determine what happened.
Tony Woods says he's contacted an attorney, but also says he just wants his son to get the right video before he goes on a trip next week.
so let me see if i understand this one. this kid hits the young male JACKPOT and he runs off and tells his dad!?!?!? nice. hey dad, when you're suing Walmart, be sure to include free makeup and dresses for life in the settlement. your "son" is going to need them.
this story is too good not to share.
basically, the city officials in Vegas are going to protest the release of the game Rainbow Six: Las Vegas. for those of you unfamiliar with the game series, you play a counter-terrorist group where you save people and such. excellent series by the way.
anyway, the Vegas mayor and such don't like that there are masked gunmen firing into crowds and explosions along the strip. they want to make it clear that the story (that's right the VIDEO GAME story) is based on a false premise. you got that? it NEVER HAPPENED for REAL.
and just to clear it up, Nicolas Cage never crashed a plane loaded with convicts into the strip either. i guess the mayor doesn't have an issue with THAT premise, but the idea that you could save innocent lives FROM the criminals against the backdrop of his city is too much for him to handle.
so once again, Las Vegas, the city that advertises around drinking, gambling, and sex..... does not want you to think a storyline about fighting terrorists in their town ever happened for real.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
i finally understand why the Kevin Smith Superman movie never happened and THANK GOD. i feel bad for Kevin. really bad. it isn't his fault. i'd have snapped a million times in his place. hollywood is a place of evil.
it's 20 minutes long but it's worth watching. you'll feel 100 million times better on how Superman Returns came out if you didn't like it.
by the way if i ever meet John Peters the movie producer, i'm beating him to death right on the street.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Top 10 Ways Brian France Is Considering "Changing" "The Race"
10. Changing the title to, “B. France’s Next el Conductor del Campeonato.”
9. Instead of a trophy, the winner gets to spend 5 fabulous days and nights at the France family compound.
8. If the ratings of any particular Chase race do NOT beat those of the competing NFL game, the race is declared null and void and rerun when two “more beatable” NFL teams are playing.
7. Driver and Crew Chief of each Top 10 team must switch places for at least one race during the Chase. The team that must switch will be drawn out of a hat ten minutes before the start of the race, after which the team that is drawn will no longer be included in any subsequent drawings.
6. Sealed bids will be accepted from each Top 10 car’s sponsor to determine starting order for each of the last ten races. Highest bid starts on the pole. (Checks payable to B. France)
5. All “Chase” races to be held in the market of Brian’s choosing.
4. The car of any Top 10 driver whose last name ends in “son” will be exempt from ANY NASCAR inspection during the entire Chase.
3. The first 26 races of the season will be “non-points” events, practice races if you will. THEN the “Chase” begins, with EVERYONE within 400 points of the leader!
2. For all “Chase” races, prices automatically double for everything, from tickets to hot dogs.
1. Expand “The Chase” to include 36 races….no, that won’t work! What a stupid way to determine a Champion.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
this was hilarious.
8. Everyone makes fun of the flopping, and it is hideous, but it's also funny as hell. These guys drop like they were gunned down by a sniper, then they roll around for 10 seconds in absolute agony, heroically hop up and limp around to "shake it off," and within 30 seconds they're running full speed again. Even Ric Flair didn't sell pain so well. More important, it's the one thing that will keep soccer from ever, ever, ever becoming a bona fide force in this country. Americans won't stomach such dishonesty. We see right through it. No way Dwyane Wade pulls that crap; we'd never allow it. OK, bad example.
he makes a good point though. the faking injuries thing has been a REAL turnoff for Americans. allow me to shed some light on this though. one of the bonuses of knowing Josh and Robbie is the insight i've gotten on the nuances of Soccer overseas. Robbie knows everything about any sport out there and Josh has been playing the game more than half his life. So the flopping breaks down like this: it's expected. when you get hit you go down and act like your leg just snapped in half. then when you get up, you go find the guy who did it and you slide-tackle the fuck out of him. that's just how it works. do i like it? no. i think it's a total pussy way of playing. obviously most everyone in this country feels the same way.
so the final is coming up and frankly it disgusts me. is there any way that BOTH teams can lose? i just don't want France or Italy winning. i primarily rooted the US to win. patriotism. after them i went for England and Spain. England because i jumped on the bandwagon from being around Josh and Robbie. Hey, i'm new to the sport so i just went for what my friends did. Hell, before i became a Texans fan i would root for the Raiders, Bills, and Patriots thanks to Roger my Dad and Mike Kelly. I rooted for Spain since it's in my family heritage and for my good friend Yolanda.
oh well. maybe next time. 4 years......
Monday, July 03, 2006
- the kid. so we got people wondering why the kid wasn't leaping tall buildings and flinging cars like dear old dad. ok let me clear this up. superman doesn't have a freaking kid in the comics. meaning.... THERE ARE NO "RULES" TO HOW HIS SPAWN WOULD DEVELOP!!!! especially not one that's half-human. maybe not all superman's powers transfer..... maybe the kid needs more sun..... maybe kryptonite has no effect on the kid..... maybe kryptonite charges his powers..... WHO THE FUCK KNOWS?!?!? these nimrods act like there's established continuity.
- Clark Kent returns. so why doesn't anyone notice Clark and Superman return around the same time? well, it's pretty simple. nobody noticed because nobody cares. The whole reason a simple disguise like a pair of glasses works is because nobody looks for Superman to be disguised as a mere mortal. you saw Lois and Richard laugh at the IDEA that Clark was Superman.
there was one plot observation that i kinda have to agree with. Lex's land scheme. Sinking the entire continental United States would have a pretty SIGNIFICANT effect on the world's economy wouldn't you agree? Something tells me Lex might find his land not quite worth as much as he hopes when there ain't no money to pay with.