This guy is someone i want to go drinking with.....
These are 25 things that I've learned over the years. These are my mistakes: don't let them be yours!:
1.) Never buy cocaine from a guy who drives a shittier car than you do. It's okay to buy the cheap shit (meth, weed, crack...) from a guy with a crappy car, but not the good shit.
2.) In Vegas, guys on the street pass out little cards with a hooker’s picture, phone number and a price of $49.95. Don't believe that price; they cost way more then 50 bucks!
3.) When you're about to sleep with a girl and you happen to not have a condom and she tells you "Don't worry, I just got tested", don't sleep with her: she's a dirty whore and will give you an STD.
4.) If a girl begins a blow job by sucking on your balls, she knows what she's doing. If a girl begins a blow job by actually blowing on your dick, she doesn't know what she's doing.
5.) If you're ever in Iraq and you don't feel like wearing your body armor because it's too hot outside, you deserve to die. Always wear the body armor.
6.) If your girlfriend ever comes up to you and tells you that she'll give you one free night to do whatever you want with whomever you want, break up with the bitch on the spot! She's already cheated on you and she just wants you to do the same thing so she doesn't feel like such a slut. Plus, most likely, she has an STD and is hoping she can eventually blame it on you.
7.) If you're talking to a girl and she has a tongue ring and she tells you that she got it just because she thinks it looks cool; she's lying. This girl is in fact a dirty slut who likes to suck dick: buy her two more drinks and take her back to your place!
8.) If you just bought a Rolex for $20 off a guy on the street who swears that it's real...he's a lying bastard. Everyone knows that even stolen Rolexes go for at least $200.
9.) If your buddy ever tells you that he fucks a lot of chicks, he's probably not lying. If he ever tells you that he's never fucked a fat ugly chick, he's lying. If you catch him in that lie and he tells you it was only once, he's lying.
10.) If you meet the woman of your dreams and she fucks you the first night you meet her and she lets you stick your finger in her ass, trust me- she's not the woman of your dreams.
11.) If your girlfriend suddenly starts hanging out with her "long lost" best friend, alone, a lot, and she never invites you out with the two of them and he's a guy - she's cheating on you
12.) Chicks dig guys who are funny; chicks dig really good-looking guys. So, if you're not funny or good-looking - you need to make a lot of money. Cause, chicks dig rich guys way more then they do funny good-looking guys.
13.) A really bad way to pick up a chick is to wear a wedding ring and when she asks if you're married you say, "Yes...I mean, no... I mean...my wife - she died in a car accident 6 months ago, and I just can't take off the ring...I miss her so much...." Because, you know what's going to wind up happening? You're going to end up marrying this bitch and then she's going to die in a car accident.
14.) Another really bad way to pick up a chick is to be talking to her, and then ask her what her most embarrassing moment is. She's going to tell you something stupid, like how she farted in the 6th grade in the cafeteria in front of the whole school. Then, if she's thinking about sucking your dick, she's going to ask what yours is. So, of course, you tell her about the time when you were 21 and how some random girl was sucking your dick in your buddy's bathroom and she asked you how much longer it was going to take, and you told her the rest of the night unless the two of you fucked and then she said that she couldn’t do that because she was only seventeen. Trust me; your buddies are the only ones who think that story is funny.
15.) If you're out and you decide to pick up chicks using a fake name and fake occupation (Rex Volcano - Private Investigator; Hunter Grayson III - M.D.; Frogger Larson - Ex minor league baseball pitcher for the Tehachapi Mudhens; etc.) make sure that you remember your "name" and your "occupation". Also, it helps if you know a little something about your "occupation", because you never know when the girl you're hitting on, as Hunter Grayson III, is a real doctor.
16.) If a girl is over 21 and she tells you she's only had sex with four people, multiple that number by at least five. If you go home with her the first night and she sucks your dick, then starts licking your ass...multiply that number by at least fifty.
17.) Girls tell you that they want a nice sensitive guy who's in touch with his feelings. That's a load of shit! Go ahead, watch Beaches with a chick, start crying... guarantee she's going to get a "headache" and ask you to go home. Once you leave, she’s going to call her ex-boyfriend (the one who treated her like shit and cheated on her more times then you've had sex your entire life), have him come over and fuck his brains out. Why? Because that cocksucker doesn't fucking cry at Beaches!
18.) If your girlfriend ever thinks she's pregnant, don't get mad at her and tell her that she did it on purpose to trap you with her for the rest of your miserable life.
19.) Never piss off God!
20.) If you’re ever at a party and meet a really hot chick who has connections and can get you tickets to pretty much any sporting there is; talk to her! If she starts flirting with you, flirt back. If she wants to leave the party and go “somewhere else”, go with her. Fuck the fact that you have a girlfriend, because be honest, you’ve been meaning to break up with her anyway. Don’t fuck this one up, because if you will…you will wake up everyday for the rest of your life and contemplate slitting your wrists.
21.) For every hot chick out there who you would give anything to fuck, there's a guy out there who's tired of putting up with her bullshit.
22.) It's cool to play with action figures until you're about ten. On the off chance that you're 27 and you still do... never admit it to the really hot girl at the Barnes and Nobles you go to all the time and buy books you've never heard of just to impress her!
23.) If you have a girlfriend - When you're jacking off don't fantasize about anyone but her. Because one night you're going to be fucking her and you're going to get caught up in the moment then you're going to call her the name of the girl you jack off to. To reverse that, if you ever accidentally call your girlfriend the wrong name in bed, because you actually do cheat on her, just use the jacking off excuse.
24.) Good investment – stocks, real estate. Bad investments - DVDs, action figures, comic books.
25.) If you're fucking your buddy's girlfriend, don't blow your load in her mouth. Your buddy's got to kiss her - have some fucking respect!