this is an old post. i originally broke it up into 5 or 6 posts, but i think it works better as one giant one.
i found this on maxim.com
100 things guys need to know about women. time to add jimmy comments to it to spice it up.
100 list in italics, my comments in bold.
100. Girls enjoy always having something kind of wrong, like a headache or cramping or something. Remember: No matter how bad it sounds, she’s going to outlive you.
yeah, that's cuz they use underhanded tactics like playing sick in order to suck the life out of us.
99. Most women will not have sex for the first time with a guy unless their legs are shaved. If your date shows up and you spot stubble, she’s trying to keep herself in line.
if i can SPOT stubble then that shit must be thick as hell. which means she skipped more than a couple days.
98. No matter how much she reassures you, if you can’t get a hard-on she assumes you’re not attracted to her.
then maybe she needs to use her mouth for something other than "reassurance" to get things going.
97. Beware of your girlfriend's single party friend or gay bud. They want her to be single with them and will encourage any bad behavior as often as possible.
this is where preemptive strikes come into play.
96. Jewelry. Now you always know what to get her for a last-minute gift.
great, last-minute gift ideas that are never cheap.
95. The sight of you in your socks and underwear is the biggest turnoff in the world.
oh yeah, and gals wearing plain old white underwear and granny panties isn't?
94. Never trust a girl who has no girlfriends. She doesn’t get along with other women because she’s either bat-shit crazy or just plain mean.
plus it means she's got nobody to hang with giving you time to yourself or time with your boys. trust me on this one, being able to send her off with her friends will keep you both more happy.
93. Girls who say, “I love sports!” are lying. Girls who ask you what time the game is on, without specifying which game they’re talking about, are not.
eh..... i don't buy this one. my last 2 girlfriends both loved NASCAR. and specifying a game might mean they track more than one team/league/sport.
92. A random hookup is more likely to result in pregnancy, because a woman has more sex when she’s most fertile.
nice to know. so fellas, make sure you wrap it if you're banging a chick who's cheating on her boyfriend/husband. i know i did.
91. She still has all the love letters and cards from her past boyfriends.
aw how sweet. i guarantee they and I don't have a damn thing she sent.
90. Just started dating? Women want you to drive, even if it’s their car.
hey great. like i needed permission. unless it's in the shop i'm the one driving anyway and unless i trust you completely you ain't touching my baby. (the list of people i've let drive my car is VERY short)
89. A girl would prefer to get a $100 gift from Tiffany & Co. than a $500 gift from Fortunoff. Why? Because her friends will ask where she got it.
sorry but i have no clue what those places are. cheaper gift good.
88. “If I give you my number on Friday, Tuesday and Wednesday are your best bets to score a date. Monday is too desperate, Thursday is too late.”—Claire, 27
and never is "go fuck yourself honey, i don't jump thru hoops for any dame."
87. Your female coworkers are obsessed with the fact that on average they receive less pay than male counterparts—and the fact that they work less overtime and get pregnant is irrelevant to the discussion.
naturally. because facts and common sense just can't be used to argue with a woman. we accept it.
86. Laying a towel down over the wet spot is like putting your jacket over a mud puddle for her, you noble bastard.
fine whatever. just shut up already.
85. A recent study revealed that natural blondes could be extinct in 200 years, so unless she’s Norwegian, her towhead might be bottled.
a recent survey of a supermarket shows that bleach and hair-coloring are still sold and show no signs of going extinct. recent trends indicate women continue to be shallow and vain where their appearance in concerned. so long story short, who gives a fuck?
84. Sixteen percent of American men have been with a prostitute—scientific proof most women are decent in bed.
wrong. reality check will tell you that 90%-95% of men have. because while you may not pay in cash, you're going to pay. don't bullshit yourself guys, you're going to pay one way or another to get sex. the question is, do you want to pay in the form of time/money spent on dates..... time spent "getting to know her"..... etc..... on the CHANCE she might give it up. or just cut to the chase and get some guaranteed sex?
83. Women always want to believe what you’re saying is true.
HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! no wait.... let me catch my breath. *whew* HA HA HA HA!!!!!!
82. What do women really want in bed? More blankets. They get colder than men.
81. The threesome is not about you; it’s about the two girls. If you’re lucky enough to score one with your girlfriend, enjoy sex with the other one because there’s a good chance it’ll end the relationship.
relationships come and go, but a visit to the threefold kingdom is magical and wonderful. trust me, nothing can take that away from you.
80. If women have an excuse to take a pill, they’ll take it.
ok..... that was random.....
79. Never trust the woman who gives you the best blow job you’ve ever had.
translation: she didn't get mad skillz working the mic from the fruit and vegetable section. 37?
78. “I hate when my boyfriend is sweaty and tries to lie down on top of me or cuddle after I’ve come. Wait five minutes.”—Erin, 21
i'm calling bullshit on this one. back me up on this one guys, when we're done the deed our asses are asleep. sorry Erin, your boyfriend is a real closet case.
77. The average woman kisses 79 men before getting married.
in a row?
76. She hates your Xbox more than she lets on. Blow her off for some gaming and she’ll soon stop wasting time on a dork like you.
i hate her arts and crafts more than i complain about. keep it up and i'll blow you off for some gaming.
75. Women who are obsessed with their dogs also like to keep their men on a short leash.
yet another reason i'm a cat person.
74. “Girls who buy their men lap dances and pretend to enjoy it are kidding themselves. They’re trying to keep him happy with some controlled freedom.”—Suzy, 31
they're also gullible as fucking hell. you think YOU'RE the only one buying his lap dances? you think he only goes to the strip club with YOU? silly girl.
73. Over the course of her life, a woman will use 10 men for every one she loves. If you lent her your car or helped her move and didn't get laid, you're one of the 10.
suckers. ah who am i kidding, i've been played like a fucking piano more than once or twice without a payoff for my troubles. i really wanted to tap those asses too. damn you hormones!!!!
72. During emergencies, women are likely to remain calmer than men. Though it should be noted that inventing minor crises on a weekly basis gives them more practice.
have you ever BEEN in an emergency??
71. “Women grow hairs in a lot of the same places that men do—lower abdomen, nipples—we just get rid of them.”—Katie, 26
that's just gross. i'm not ashamed to admit i'm pretty shallow when it comes to hair. i see it on her lip or anywhere besides the top of her head or downstairs (even then it better be short supply down there) and i'm gone. call me whatever you like.
70. Unless they’re lesbians, she won’t approve of your hanging out with other girls. Even if they’re ugly. And, really, even if they’re lesbians.
and really she's insecure and will probably push her man into banging as many of them as he can just for pissing him off.
69. If you have something to hide, she’ll find it.
the hell she will. you'll never be privy to all our secrets ladies. get over it. it's ok that we don't share every fuckin aspect of our lives with you.
68. Eighty-five: The number of males per 100 females in Gary, Indiana, lowest male-to-female ratio of any city with a population of 100,000-plus. The highest male-to-female ratio is in Salinas, California: 114 males for every 100 females.
ITT Tech in San Antonio: 10 females for every 100 males. of those, 4 are bangable.
67. Kiss her before two dates have gone by or you’ll be “friended.”
bang her before 3 dates or you'll be whipped as a puppy when she finally gives it up.
66. They can't live without tension. Every once in a while she's gonna pick a fight with you for no reason. Accept this as a running, inevitable theme and your relationship will make a lot more sense.
gentlemen pay attention: this will happen ONLY IF YOU LET IT!!!! fuck her and her drama. if she picks a fight and you know she's just doing it to fight, then you counter by throwing everything you possibly can at her. she's launching an attack and expecting you to roll over so she can placate her fucking female ego. you respond with the wrath of god. then when it's all done and the smoke clears, you pick a random fight with her as soon as it's done. fight back guys or she'll always have your balls in her purse.
65. The most painless way to end an argument: Let her win.
then return to the ocean like the spineless jellyfish you've become you pansy. fight back and be a man.
64. An online dating service’s survey found that a woman’s ideal man has brown hair and blue eyes.
how nice for them.
63. In the U.S., 21 percent of women ages 18 to 59 hold out for their honeymoon.
in the U.S., 21 percent of women are fucking lairs. or are convinced oral doesn't count.
62. A British study claims a woman’s chances of getting married drop by 40 percent for every 16-point rise in her IQ. The same increase in IQ for a man boosted his chances of getting married by 35 percent.
that makes no sense. how the hell do you even measure something like that?
61. When a woman tells you her problems, she does not want you to offer solutions.
when a man offers you solutions, he does not want to hear your problems.
60. Women often cite manhandling of breasts as the biggest foreplay faux pas.
too bad. those things are neat. c'mon ladies we don't ask much, just let us pet the kittens and we're all right.
59. “When I’m drunk, I can’t come. Not even with a vibrator.”—Lauren, 35
that ain't our problem. we're going to get ours. sorry honey.
58. If they're going to do it, most wives cheat between the ages of 18 and 29.
hmmm.... yup, yup, yup and yup. i agree.
57. Most women think they’re better drivers than they are. Don’t point this out while she’s at the wheel or she’ll freak and crash.
56. Women ingest about half the lipstick they apply, which means they eat approximately one to three sticks per year.
54. A woman might say she just wants sex, but sleep with her for a while and she’ll change her tune. “I’ve known so many women who think they can pull this off, but they always develop feelings for the guy,” says Evie, 22.
53. According to the American Association of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery, Angelina Jolie’s lips were the most requested celebrity feature among all female patients in 2004.
the most requested among guys as well.
52. Despite always complimenting another woman’s short haircut, she secretly celebrates having one less competitor, since men prefer long hair.
agreed. funny thing is, the 2 girls i was most in love with both had really short hair when we first hooked up. i gotta stay away from short haired chicks.
51. Don’t call her “cute.” In her mind it’s the same as “not vomit-inducing.” “Sexy,” OK. “Hot,” yes. “Fucking awesome,” only if she’s at least slightly buzzed.
geez, sorry miss sensitive.
50. Women often buy shoes a size or two small because they’re in denial about the size of their feet—which they can’t stand.
cry me a freaking river.
49. They dream of one day peeing in a urinal.
ain't happening, sorry gals.
48. Women know where they stand looks-wise but worry about being considered cool, about which they’re unsure.
welcome to fragile-self-image-ville.... population.... all the women on the planet.
47. According to the U.S. Bureau of Statistics, 23 percent of 18- to 34-year-old women live with their parents, versus 31 percent of you losers.
ok let's get something straight. a fact that chicks don't like to acknowledge. careers at this point are still an OPTION for women. with a few exceptions you all always have the option of getting married and living off a guy for the rest of your life. don't get me wrong, my best friends wives are stay at home moms and i love them both like sisters, i'm not saying it's a bad thing. i'm just saying that it's fucked up that society makes no judgements on women who either live with their parents or are married and stay home versus a guy who lives with his parents.
46. Women want to talk dirty, but they’re afraid you won’t respect them in the morning. Reassure her that letting go in bed doesn’t make her less classy and she’ll probably go wild. Jäger helps.
well of COURSE i'll still respect you after you call me daddy and tell me to spank you like the filthy girl you are..... *snicker*
45. Twenty-three percent of this magazine’s readers are women.
great gals all of them.
44. A psycho jealous girl will do anything to keep her man—including anal.
god bless those girls too.
41. If she suddenly cuts her hair short, it might mean she no longer cares what you think of her. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about someone else’s opinion.
and you girls wonder why guys are so apathetic about what the hell you wear or your hair and shit.
40. About half of all brides will lose a good friend over a ridiculous bridesmaid squabble.
39. It never hurts to say you're sorry, even if you don't mean it.
it hurts even less to not say anything.
38. Let her beat you at something once in a while—poker, chess, Ping-Pong—and she’ll be more likely to give you what you want, like some peace and quiet.
so once again we're supposed to accept being bullied into flushing our pride down the john. yeah i'm going to go with FUCK THAT.
37. Women’s public bathrooms are about three times more disgusting than men’s.
there's a reason why..... keep reading.....
36. “At one point or another, I’ve gone through your things looking for any evidence from past relationships. I’m talking photographs, postcards, mementos, address books, diaries. If you don’t like it, get rid of this stuff before letting me in your apartment. It’s not about trust; it’s about curiosity, and it drives us crazy till it’s been satiated.”—Caroline, 28
so once again your crazy bat-shit behavior is all MY fault. nice.
35. Like you, girls hate nothing more than a clingy partner who needs them every eight seconds.
then don't date closet gay men.
34. Chick rock strikes a deeply primal chord inside women while simultaneously revolting men. Just sit back and let her sing the Sarah McLachlan or Ani DiFranco song. It’s only about four minutes long.
or give her some fucking headphones. fuck your music.
33. The average woman owns eight bras and wears each one five times before washing. Shasta!
are you trying to gross us out? we're GUYS. we do shit like turning our underwear inside-out to get another day's use out of them.
32. Girls will not sit on any toilet outside their own home or a five-star hotel. Everywhere else they’re hovering above the toilet in a squat.
does #37 make sense now?
31. Got a new girl coming over? Your (tidy) bathroom should include clean linen, a box of Puffs Plus, and several full rolls of TP.
puffs plus? should we get some tampons too?
30. “Don’t caress our faces while we’re kissing, unless you really, really, really like us.”—Rachel, 21
29. On a first date, women never order what they really want to eat.
just eat what you order then. we honestly care more about that than how MUCH you eat.
28. Breast augmentation surgery has grown by 257 percent since 1997. The most popular size? C-cup. As if you didn’t know.
didn't know, don't care. real or fake make shit difference to me and to most guys so don't try and pull that "we're doing it for YOU" shit.
27. Gain her trust when you’re out by calling her at 10 P.M. She’ll go to bed content you’re thinking of her, even if you’re slurping Jell-O shots off some skank’s cleavage.
yeah right. how stupid do you think we are?
26. Put down the Drakkar and grab a box of Good & Plenty. Women are turned on by the scent of black licorice.
look honey, i rubbed CANDY all over myself!!!! giggity giggity giggity!!!!
25. At least one of her friends wants to sleep with you.
point her out and we'll make that lucky gal's dreams come true. bow chicka bow wow!!!!
24. A good but flawed man is a fixer-upper gem, and women love nothing more than home improvements.
and on the off chance you aren't that flawed, she'll find something to change in you. if you let her.
23. Every woman is self-conscious about her ass. Tell her you love her ass and you’ll see it more often.
does spanking it a lot work?
22. If you want more sex, tell your girl an attractive woman hit on you that day. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.
failing that, break out the sex panther. i gotta tell ya, that smells like pure gasoline.
21. More than half of surveyed females between 18 and 25 would prefer to be run over by a truck than be fat.
the other half broke the truck and ended up fat.
20. All women think they’re smarter than their partners in some significant way.
hee hee. silly girls.
19. The more piercings she has, the more places she’ll let you put it.
so according to this list, find a girl who's scared stiff of losing you and with tons of piercings and you're on the road to back-door-loving.
18. Once in a while, let her pick the movie and don't complain about it.
17. Any good woman will tell ya, honesty is not always the best policy.
till she catches you in a lie. then suddenly she can't trust you.... blah blah blah.....
16. Chicks aren’t afraid to get kinky; you just have to have the nerve to ask.
but remember, like Chris Rock says, your woman will do any nasty dirty skanky thing you want but you gotta come correct. none of this, "eh eh eh excuse me..... eh eh.... i have a request... eh eh eh.... would you eh... lick my balls?" otherwise you get, "WHAT!?!? lick your own damn balls!!" so guys make sure you ask proper.
15. Girls don’t want to date doormats. So make her proud and refuse to give up bowling night with the guys.
so she can stay home eat ice cream and cry waiting for you while she sets up a few charges of emotional C4 that she'll detonate the second you get home. lose-lose fellas.
14. Don't take a woman to a concert you really want to see—she'll just want to leave early.
translate to jimmy-talk: ditch the bitch.
13. “Women appreciate a big penis, but having one doesn’t give you an excuse to suck at foreplay.”—Elena, 28
yeah? well guys love big tits, but having them doesn't give you an excuse to not give head.
12. Studies show women are more attracted to “macho” guys near ovulation. The rest of the month, they’re drawn to “good providers,” otherwise known as chumps.
so just leave it in "macho mode" take what you can get while she's ovulating, and the rest of the time you get to keep your fucking dignity.
11. She likes one of your friends.
if he's my friend then you don't have a chance in hell honey. if he isn't, he's a dead man. plain and simple. bros before hoes.
10. Ugly girls like to hang out with pretty girls because it makes them feel like they're more attractive. Pretty girls hang out with ugly girls for the same reason.
you're all the same when the lights go out.
9. The minute she decides she’s even mildly interested in you, she starts making mental pictures of what your kids would look like and imagining her first name with your last.
gee, why are guys so afraid of commitment?
8. Sixty percent of women in the United States color their hair, according to L’Oréal (who are obviously hoping they can peer-pressure the other 40 percent).
popular color? i'm betting blonde.
7. Dated a stripper? Keep your mouth shut, stupid.
6. Rub a sheet of medium-grade sandpaper across your face. That’s your five o’clock shadow when you kiss her. Now rub that sandpaper on your inner thigh. (Mind you, we’re not suggesting you shave.)
we know, we just like giving you something legit to bitch about once in a while.
5. Female serial killers tend to use poison rather than guns or knives.
4. Foghat’s “Slow Ride” is not about a trip in the car. Get the hint?
Nine Inch Nail's "Closer" isn't about a trip to the zoo. get the hint?
3. The one breakup line she’ll never be able to argue you out of: “I’m sorry, but I no longer have feelings for you.”
2. Buying a present for your girl? She’ll hate it (and you) if she finds out you took along another woman to help pick it out.
excuuuuuse us for asking for advice from someone who might know what to get you.
1. You'll probably never know how many guys she's slept with. The standard lie is five. Which really means about 12.
once again, we don't care. as long as we're the only ones you're sleeping with NOW.