Tuesday, January 01, 2008

50 things

menshealth.com has done a "50 things men wish women knew" list. i give the mayor jimmy treatment. my comments are in italics.

1. Express yourself. It makes us proud, even if someone thinks you're wrong.

yes yes dear god yes. this isn't the 50s. women can speak their minds. please do. i fucking hate when chicks sit there and let the conversation pass them by.

2. You look hot in running shoes and shorts. And that top thingy with the stripes.

oh yes. throw in the glistening sweat on your body and BAM!!!!

3. Bare, tan shoulders are underrated.

uh...ok? why tan?

4. If you think I’m speeding now, you should see me drive when you're not in the car.

fuck that. she gets my full throttle driving every damn time. that was the very first thing that sealed it that Kristin (K2) and i had a future together, my driving didn't scare her. not even when we were driving back from Chris's wedding and i raced some dude from the Maryland State line into Baltimore at 130 MPH.

5. If you're truly interested in us, don't play hard to get.

plain and simple, just don't play hard to get PERIOD. that shit is fucking annoying. yes ha ha very funny you like to feel needed. that shit will backfire on you honey. i promise. like when he fucks some other girl who doesn't play games and just gives up the ass.

6. Shopping is a chore, not an activity.

meh... that depends on what we shop FOR. i like shopping for electronics.

7. When I screw up, go ahead and tell me--once.

key word, once. then please just shut your pie hole.

8. No question need ever be asked through a closed bathroom door if I'm inside. I love you less with each syllable you utter.

can't a man take a shit in peace? this is why we fart in public. we're conditioning you to avoid us in bowel movement situations. we take our dumps seriously. grant us this peace.

9. I'm hot for you, not your sister or your friend or your coworker.

and if i am i will never tell you. ever. no matter how often you ask. and we aren't falling for that "you can say it i won't be mad" line. nice try.

10. My guy friends. Not only are they not negotiable, they’re your best sign that I’m not a whack job.

bros before hoes

11. Don't be afraid to ditch the makeup. Natural is sexier.

true. Kristen (K1) pretty much never wore makeup and she always looked great. it also makes it that much better when a girl does wear makeup if she isn't always wearing it.

12. Leave the eyebrows alone. Plucked ain't pretty.

unless you're sporting a unibrow.

13. You can have sex with us any time you want. Seriously.

no really. ANY time. i've had sex while watching a NASCAR race. ah Jennifer, she was a nice gal.

14. When the game is on, we will pay attention to you if you're nice about it. Bark, and we shut down.

add to the experience, don't try and detract. that's the key. cheer with us, be elsewhere, or just shut the fuck up. don't sit and bug us or ask a TON of questions DURING the game.

15. I don't ask for directions because I’m just happy to be driving. Anywhere.

and cuz i'm a man. geez haven't you ever listened to a stand-up comedian?

16. Masturbation is merely practice for the big game. Encourage it.

gotta disagree BIG time here. if i have a girlfriend i don't need to do it. and i'm happy to not have to need to.

17. We crave hugs and hand-holding too. And no, it doesn't always have to lead to sex.

but if it does..... GIGGITY!!!

18. But you can have sex with us any time you want. Did we mention that?

ANY time. Kristin (K2) and i once had sex in her closet while i was helping her pack to move in with me. that kind of spontaneous sexual outburst is awesome.

19. There's no better sound in the world than you, having an orgasm.

yeah. i've always said that 75% of the enjoyment of sex for guys (well, for ME at least) is the response we get from her. the moaning, the clawing, the squirming around, the yelling.... it's ALL good.

20. Though the exhaust note of a Porsche Boxster is pretty damn fine, too.

or if you don't like the eurotrash, A Vette or Viper. sweet.

21. I just may lie to make you feel good. Don’t be angry about this. You really weren't looking for the truth anyway.


22. When you get angry over some stupid little pointless thing, I question your intelligence.

and the more you do it, the easier it gets to just tune you out. sooner or later we're going to tunr you out no matter what you bitch about, even important things.

23. You’re really bad at faking it.

if i'm not doing something right then fucking tell me. unless of course you're going to tell me "make your cock grow bigger", then we're both out of luck.

24. If I offer my help while you're getting ready, it means you’re late.

it's either that or i start bugging you. pick your poison or get ready faster.

25. Never ask me to pick out your outfit. (See above.) I will invariably get it wrong and make us even more late.

i'm supposed to believe you don't know how to dress yourself? gimmie a fucking break.

26. Giving me two or three choices, however, can be fun. Assuming you will change outfits in front of me. Slowly.

of course, then we're going to be REALLY late.

27. Err on the side of hot; I love to show you off.

there's nothing wrong with that is there?

28. Unless we're meeting my parents.

i trust her to be smart enough not to get whored up to meet her boyfriend's parents.

29. When you call us at work "just to chat," we're not really listening; we're checking our e-mail.

bottom line, have a point to the call or don't.

30. Spring means baseball and skirts. Doesn't need to be a mini-skirt; it's been a long winter.

well, skirts anyway.

31. Chicks who drink beer are hot. Better yet: chicks who drink beer and watch the game. Better still: chicks who buy us a beer during the game.

shit, you do that and you're pretty much guaranteed to get that ring a HELL of a lot faster.

32. We don't mind being told we look good. Just don't call it a "cute outfit."

got an outfit you like us in? tell us.

33. We love ponytails.

second only to pigtails.

34. Being good in bed means a) enthusiasm; b) a sense of humor; and sometimes c) patience.

i dunno bout all that. maybe this guy isn't too sure of himself. enthusiasm isn't bad. i'd say the biggest key is communication. verbal or body language.

35. The first time? We're as nervous as you are.

i was more like "HOLY SHIT, I'M HAVING SEX!!!!!!" than anything. i'll never forget the next day at school. i might as well have hung a sign around my neck that said "i got laid". chris and cody both figured it out within like 15 seconds.

36. A random unexpected grope is always welcome, even in public. Especially in public.

hell yeah. touch me baby.

37. Make us laugh and we'll want to hang around.

cannot be overstated enough. boring girls SUCK.

38. Yes, I laugh really loud around the guys. And I always will, so deal.

so there

39. Sure, men stereotypically like to solve a woman's problems. But a woman who solves her own while we watch? Instant erection.

i'm not sure if he's suggesting she pleasure herself in front of us. or just literally solve her own problem instead of bugging us. either one is cool with me.

40. You can pick the movie, but have a reason.

oh no. fuck no. i'm not watching a chick flik. period. you have girls-nite-out for that shit.

41. Do not expect to have a conversation via text message unless you use the words "naked" and "waiting."

or like calling at work, have a point.

42. Sometimes we wonder why any woman would want to be with us, much less someone as amazing as you. So, thanks.

it's true. seriously, what the hell did you ever see in me? kristen? carrie? yolanda? kristin?

43. Anytime you cook for us, we're happy.

especially if it's meat.

44. If you can hit a golf ball 150 yards, we just might fall in love.

maybe this guy. not me. if you can drive a car at 150 MPH, then i'm in love.

45. No, I don't remember what he said next. Or she. Or anybody, for that matter. I'm a guy, not a tape recorder.


46. We love you even more because you know we need to go out with the guys once in a while.


47. And we love it when you hang with us guys, too.

on occasion. don't push it.

48. We have a keen sense of imminent danger. It sounds like, "Do you think she's pretty?"

we got a bunch of sound clips that go off.
- admiral ackbar "it's a trap!!"
- captain picard "RED ALERT!!"
- that robot from lost in space "danger will robinson!!"

49. Don't rely on us for keeping you up on the news.

we're useless like that.

50. Never say, "I know you better than you know yourself." Nobody does.

unless you WANT me to say "the fuck you do honey."

and there's another list given the jimmy treatment.

No comments: