7 things you outta know about PETA.
See this is why i should never run this country. people from PETA, ELF, and all those other wackos would just start disappearing off the face of this earth. No trials, no juries, nothing. They'd all just wake up naked and cold in a jungle or floating on an iceberg.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Birthday facts
i thought this was pretty cool. type in your birthday and find out some interesting facts.
here's my info:
Your birth tree is
Hazelnut Tree, the Extraordinary Charming, undemanding, very understanding, knows how to make an impression, active fighter for social cause, popular, moody and capricious lover, honest and tolerant partner, precise sense of judgement.
here's my info:
29 March 1976
Your date of conception was on or about 7 July 1975 which was a Monday.
You were born on a Monday
under the astrological sign Aries.
Your Life path number is 1.
Life Path Compatibility:
You are most compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 1, 5 & 7.
You should get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 3 & 9.
You may or may not get along well with those with the Life Path number 8.
You are least compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 2, 4, 6, 11 & 22.
The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2442866.5.
The golden number for 1976 is 1.
The epact number for 1976 is -1.
The year 1976 was a leap year.
Your birthday falls into the Chinese year beginning 1/31/1976 and ending 2/17/1977.
You were born in the Chinese year of the Dragon.
Your Native American Zodiac sign is Hawk; your plant is Dandelion.
You were born in the Egyptian month of Paony, the second month of the season of Shomu (Harvest).
Your date of birth on the Hebrew calendar is 27 AdarII 5736.
Or if you were born after sundown then the date is 28 AdarII 5736.
The Mayan Calendar long count date of your birthday is 12.18.2.13.2 which is
12 baktun 18 katun 2 tun 13 uinal 2 kin
The Hijra (Islamic Calendar) date of your birth is Monday, 28 Rabi'u'l-Avval 1396 (1396-3-28).
The date of Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 18 April 1976.
The date of Orthodox Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 25 April 1976.
The date of Ash Wednesday (the first day of Lent) on your birth year was Wednesday 3 March 1976.
The date of Whitsun (Pentecost Sunday) in the year of your birth was Sunday 6 June 1976.
The date of Whisuntide in the year of your birth was Sunday 13 June 1976.
The date of Rosh Hashanah in the year of your birth was Saturday, 25 September 1976.
The date of Passover in the year of your birth was Thursday, 15 April 1976.
The date of Mardi Gras on your birth year was Tuesday 2 March 1976.
As of 1/28/2007 2:33:26 AM EST
You are 30 years old.
You are 370 months old.
You are 1,609 weeks old.
You are 11,262 days old.
You are 270,290 hours old.
You are 16,217,433 minutes old.
You are 973,046,006 seconds old.
Celebrities who share your birthday:Hideaki Takizawa (1982) Jennifer Capriati (1976) Lucy Lawless (1968) Elle Macpherson (1964) Bud Cort (1950) John Major (1943) Pearl Bailey (1918) Sam Walton (1918) Philip Ahn (1905) Cy Young (1867) John Tyler (1790)
Top songs of 1976
Your age is the equivalent of a dog that is 4.40782778864971 years old. (You're still chasing cats!)
There are 60 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 31 candles.
Those 31 candles produce 31 BTUs,
or 7,812 calories of heat (that's only 7.8120 food Calories!) .
You can boil 3.54 US ounces of water with that many candles. 
In 1976 there were approximately 3.1 million births in the US.
In 1976 the US population was approximately 203,302,031 people, 57.4 persons per square mile.
In 1976 in the US there were approximately 2,152,662 marriages (10.1%) and 1,036,000 divorces (4.9%)
In 1976 in the US there were approximately 1,921,000 deaths (9.5 per 1000)
In the US a new person is born approximately every 8 seconds.
In the US one person dies approximately every 12 seconds.
In 1976 the population of Australia was approximately 14,110,107.
In 1976 there were approximately 227,810 births in Australia.
In 1976 in Australia there were approximately 109,973 marriages and 63,230 divorces.
In 1976 in Australia there were approximately 112,662 deaths.
Your birthstone is Aquamarine
The Mystical properties of Aquamarine
Aquamarine is often used to experience love and mercy. It is said to help ease depression and grief.Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)
Jade, Rock Crystal, Bloodstone
Your birth tree is
Hazelnut Tree, the Extraordinary Charming, undemanding, very understanding, knows how to make an impression, active fighter for social cause, popular, moody and capricious lover, honest and tolerant partner, precise sense of judgement.
Monday, January 22, 2007
random thoughts
- dear god thank you for Da Bears winning. i was not about to stomach 2 weeks of bullshit new orleans stories. you know, the ones that forget to mention how the U.S. taxpayer is footing $150 million towards rebuilding the superdome. you know, the big building that everyone left in new orleans can't even afford to go to. ah yes, and the lack of reports on how the crime rates in certain areas of Houston and here in san antonio have gone up.
- i'd have rather seen the Pats win, but i got no big beef with Peyton and the Colts winning. my morbid curiosity wants the bears to win just to see how brutal it gets with the Peyton choke coverage.
- if it was possible to have placed a bet directly after the colts-pats game of "shannon sharpe uses whatever talk time he's given to bring up the fact that there's 2 black head coaches in the superbowl" i'd have bet everything i could possibly have bet to include my life and i'd be a rich fucking man right now. robbie knows, he heard me call it.
- was it just me or did careerbuilders.com show an ad during the game that advertised an upcoming ad? has tv advertising now reached a wacky new level? guess so.
- i was just thinking that it's been almost a full decade since 2 people came into my life. Roger, my best friend who i consider a brother; and Carrie, the woman i'll always love more than any other. i've learned so much from them both. roger got me into sports and chevys and showed me that there are people crazy enough to tolerate me and my wacky antics. i dunno how i would've made it thru some of the shit in my life without his support. carrie showed me that true love does in fact exist and that there is someone out there who is made for you. i only wish that just because you exist to love someone that you would end up with them. sometimes life is a real fucking joke.
- i'd have rather seen the Pats win, but i got no big beef with Peyton and the Colts winning. my morbid curiosity wants the bears to win just to see how brutal it gets with the Peyton choke coverage.
- if it was possible to have placed a bet directly after the colts-pats game of "shannon sharpe uses whatever talk time he's given to bring up the fact that there's 2 black head coaches in the superbowl" i'd have bet everything i could possibly have bet to include my life and i'd be a rich fucking man right now. robbie knows, he heard me call it.
- was it just me or did careerbuilders.com show an ad during the game that advertised an upcoming ad? has tv advertising now reached a wacky new level? guess so.
- i was just thinking that it's been almost a full decade since 2 people came into my life. Roger, my best friend who i consider a brother; and Carrie, the woman i'll always love more than any other. i've learned so much from them both. roger got me into sports and chevys and showed me that there are people crazy enough to tolerate me and my wacky antics. i dunno how i would've made it thru some of the shit in my life without his support. carrie showed me that true love does in fact exist and that there is someone out there who is made for you. i only wish that just because you exist to love someone that you would end up with them. sometimes life is a real fucking joke.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Da Bears
Thanks Robbie for sending this story.
Woman induces labor so husband can watch the Bears game today.
you can keep your sappy flowers and candy and all that other stereotypical horseshit stories of love. THIS my friends is true love.
Woman induces labor so husband can watch the Bears game today.
you can keep your sappy flowers and candy and all that other stereotypical horseshit stories of love. THIS my friends is true love.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
images
sorry i haven't posted in a while. to make up for it, here's a nice image bonanza. i was surfing around and found a bunch of different pics online.
first we have a cool pic. see, this is why black cats rule.
this one i don't know if it's cute or creepy.
ah to be a cat and make gravity my bitch
i like this. we need to see more signs like this.
When Selma gives a press conference, the male reporters have to record it on audio tape and listen later. cuz they sure as shit ain't paying attention WHILE she talks.
and finally a little something for the kids.
Friday, January 05, 2007
notes on we are marshall
I don't much care for any movie that is "based on or inspired by a true story". because when i find out what the "true" story is, I'm always left with a bad taste in mouth no matter how good the movie is. I understand why the changes have to be made and I comprehend the idea that some things just don't translate well onto the big screen. i know. this is why the book is always better than the movie.
That all said, i really enjoyed the movie. I thought it was a great movie and also a good sports movie. it didn't feel forced like "Remember the Titans" which was also a good movie, but only because of the great cast. The only thing i didn't like was how there wasn't a strong enough presence of people who represented the "tragedy happened but I'm going to move on with my life" camp. i thought we focused entirely too much on the "roll over and die instead of live my life" camp.
So anyway the changes. I'm only going to list the few i know of.
- the crash. it wasn't the finding of the play book that identified the crash. it was a personal effect that a firefighter recognized. i guess we changed it to remind people "football movie too"
- father/girlfriend. the grieving father and the cheerleader girlfriend were composite characters. they represented an amalgam of different stories. makes sense. the film didn't have time to focus on everyone who lost someone. still, i couldn't help but be annoyed at the characters. i mean seriously, i really had to keep from yelling at the father "dude, either you get on with your life and live it or just do us all a favor and dig a hole next to your wife and son and just lay down inside!!!" i know that sounds insensitive and mean, but he was actively bringing everyone down with him by hindering their efforts to move on with THEIR lives and he had no right no matter how great his pain.
- the chant. "We are Marshall!!!!" didn't start getting used until the 90s. i can certainly understand changing this. effect and all.
- recruiting. Marshall football almost canceled even before the crash. the Mid-Atlantic conference kicked Marshall out of the conference because in 69 there were allegedly 144 recruiting violations. so basically the only part they got right in the movie was the fact that the only weapon they had was the ability to offer freshmen a chance to play right off the bat. do i never have to say why this wasn't brought up in the movie?
- WVU. funny story. i watched the movie with my brother josh and our parents. during the recruiting scene where WVU kept snapping up all the players i leaned over to them all and said "oh great, and i have to walk out of this theater with my WVU hat on looking like a total bastard." The movie did get Bowden right. he really did help the out as much as possible and they really did wear stickers on their helmets. I kinda thought they should have thrown in a line of dialog from Bowden with him saying "we aren't Marshall, but we're West Virginia." but that's my West Virginia pride talking.
so while there were a few changes and omissions, it didn't really ruin things for me to find them out. What do you think?
That all said, i really enjoyed the movie. I thought it was a great movie and also a good sports movie. it didn't feel forced like "Remember the Titans" which was also a good movie, but only because of the great cast. The only thing i didn't like was how there wasn't a strong enough presence of people who represented the "tragedy happened but I'm going to move on with my life" camp. i thought we focused entirely too much on the "roll over and die instead of live my life" camp.
So anyway the changes. I'm only going to list the few i know of.
- the crash. it wasn't the finding of the play book that identified the crash. it was a personal effect that a firefighter recognized. i guess we changed it to remind people "football movie too"
- father/girlfriend. the grieving father and the cheerleader girlfriend were composite characters. they represented an amalgam of different stories. makes sense. the film didn't have time to focus on everyone who lost someone. still, i couldn't help but be annoyed at the characters. i mean seriously, i really had to keep from yelling at the father "dude, either you get on with your life and live it or just do us all a favor and dig a hole next to your wife and son and just lay down inside!!!" i know that sounds insensitive and mean, but he was actively bringing everyone down with him by hindering their efforts to move on with THEIR lives and he had no right no matter how great his pain.
- the chant. "We are Marshall!!!!" didn't start getting used until the 90s. i can certainly understand changing this. effect and all.
- recruiting. Marshall football almost canceled even before the crash. the Mid-Atlantic conference kicked Marshall out of the conference because in 69 there were allegedly 144 recruiting violations. so basically the only part they got right in the movie was the fact that the only weapon they had was the ability to offer freshmen a chance to play right off the bat. do i never have to say why this wasn't brought up in the movie?
- WVU. funny story. i watched the movie with my brother josh and our parents. during the recruiting scene where WVU kept snapping up all the players i leaned over to them all and said "oh great, and i have to walk out of this theater with my WVU hat on looking like a total bastard." The movie did get Bowden right. he really did help the out as much as possible and they really did wear stickers on their helmets. I kinda thought they should have thrown in a line of dialog from Bowden with him saying "we aren't Marshall, but we're West Virginia." but that's my West Virginia pride talking.
so while there were a few changes and omissions, it didn't really ruin things for me to find them out. What do you think?
robotech
Some news on the Robotech front via Cinematical
Let me just say i LOVE Robotech. i'm a cartoon product of the 80s. which means i grew up on G.I. Joe, transformers, and all that. Robotech spawned so many shoot-offs that it's hard to keep track sometimes. hence it always seemed to cause some confusion especially to younger viewers. Robotech itself was an americanized version of the Japanese show Macross. then we had the second and third generations. also americanized from Japanese versions. there was even a movie that takes place between first and second generation. it was based on a series that focused on rick hunter and the first gen crew leaving earth. i can't remember why it got scrapped but it's a shame it did. i read the books on it and it's a really great story.
There were other anime series based in the "Macross" universe.
- Macross zero
- Macross II
- Macross Plus
- Macross 7
I saw Macross II a long time ago and it was ok. thanks to the magic of youtube i recently saw Macross zero and it was pretty good. never seen Macross 7.
Now as far Macross Plus goes..... it's my all time favorite anime series. it isn't really a "series" it's a mini-series. the animation is top notch, the music is the best on ANY animated show/movie, and the story is top-notch.
Here's the thing about Robotech..... I'm hoping that this summer's movie Transformers knocks it out of the park. i hope the special effects are mind-blowing and look super-awesome. because if they do, it paves the way for live-action versions of anime series with Robotech being at the top of the list. think about how freaking cool it'll be to have a live-action Robotech movie. personally, I'd rather see Macross Plus but only because i think the story is better and it translates to a movie more readily than Robotech does.
Here's to hoping.....
Let me just say i LOVE Robotech. i'm a cartoon product of the 80s. which means i grew up on G.I. Joe, transformers, and all that. Robotech spawned so many shoot-offs that it's hard to keep track sometimes. hence it always seemed to cause some confusion especially to younger viewers. Robotech itself was an americanized version of the Japanese show Macross. then we had the second and third generations. also americanized from Japanese versions. there was even a movie that takes place between first and second generation. it was based on a series that focused on rick hunter and the first gen crew leaving earth. i can't remember why it got scrapped but it's a shame it did. i read the books on it and it's a really great story.
There were other anime series based in the "Macross" universe.
- Macross zero
- Macross II
- Macross Plus
- Macross 7
I saw Macross II a long time ago and it was ok. thanks to the magic of youtube i recently saw Macross zero and it was pretty good. never seen Macross 7.
Now as far Macross Plus goes..... it's my all time favorite anime series. it isn't really a "series" it's a mini-series. the animation is top notch, the music is the best on ANY animated show/movie, and the story is top-notch.
Here's the thing about Robotech..... I'm hoping that this summer's movie Transformers knocks it out of the park. i hope the special effects are mind-blowing and look super-awesome. because if they do, it paves the way for live-action versions of anime series with Robotech being at the top of the list. think about how freaking cool it'll be to have a live-action Robotech movie. personally, I'd rather see Macross Plus but only because i think the story is better and it translates to a movie more readily than Robotech does.
Here's to hoping.....
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
mcguire
there's a really really good article that sports guy just wrote about mark mcguire and the hall of fame. you need to read it. even if you don't know or care about baseball.
here
there's a lot to take away form the article. for one, it just cements how big of a joke baseball is. it's a sport that dying, and not nearly fast enough if you ask me. here's a few things i have to say on the matter.
- i've always defended NASCAR as a sport and the drivers as athletes. if we can pretend GOLF is a sport, then we better damn well include NASCAR. "but it's just rednecks driving in circles" the ignorant morons say. oh yeah? then i guess golf is just badly-dressed guys out for a walk. i guess boxing is just two guys punching each other. and baseball is just a bunch of guys standing around. "it's just driving a car, anyone can do that." yeah and anyone can walk or run, so by that logic kiss track and field goodbye as "sports". people also say NASCAR is boring. what and you actually expect us to believe baseball ISN'T?!?!? you got maybe 15 seconds of action for every 4 or 5 minutes of watching people stand around. how the FUCK is that exciting?
- baseball has always taken itself way way way too seriously. "america's past time" we call it. key word PAST. we've moved on. the days of kids playing ball in the streets are long gone. they're all shooting hoops now. deal with it. baseball has always been a self-important pompous past time.
- baseball has the most selective memory of any sport. it makes me want to vomit any time one of these sports writers talks about "the good old days" of baseball. good old days? you mean back when the colored boys weren't allowed to play with the white folk? while i don't HATE babe ruth like my brother does, i do think it's nothing short of sad how we like to pretend that guys like him and ty cobb are such revered figures. ruth was a drunken womanizer and ty cobb was a dirty racist. funny how we don't seem to have that thrown around left and right when we're reminiscing about the "good old days". if these guys were playing NOW the press would have had a field day besmirching them instead of sucking them off like they do now.
- it's also funny how baseball never seems to complain when the gravy train is running fine. oh they got no problem with the money and fans and ticket sales that guys like pete rose and mark mcguire bring in. but when it comes time to recognize.... oh now suddenly they're on the high horse. fuck you baseball. you fucking OWE it to mcguire to put him in the hall of fame. he almost single-handedly saved your pathetic sport after it collapsed under the weight of your own greed.
so go ahead and vote your stupid vote and pretend that you're honoring a real sport and being all noble about it. you all make me sick.
here
there's a lot to take away form the article. for one, it just cements how big of a joke baseball is. it's a sport that dying, and not nearly fast enough if you ask me. here's a few things i have to say on the matter.
- i've always defended NASCAR as a sport and the drivers as athletes. if we can pretend GOLF is a sport, then we better damn well include NASCAR. "but it's just rednecks driving in circles" the ignorant morons say. oh yeah? then i guess golf is just badly-dressed guys out for a walk. i guess boxing is just two guys punching each other. and baseball is just a bunch of guys standing around. "it's just driving a car, anyone can do that." yeah and anyone can walk or run, so by that logic kiss track and field goodbye as "sports". people also say NASCAR is boring. what and you actually expect us to believe baseball ISN'T?!?!? you got maybe 15 seconds of action for every 4 or 5 minutes of watching people stand around. how the FUCK is that exciting?
- baseball has always taken itself way way way too seriously. "america's past time" we call it. key word PAST. we've moved on. the days of kids playing ball in the streets are long gone. they're all shooting hoops now. deal with it. baseball has always been a self-important pompous past time.
- baseball has the most selective memory of any sport. it makes me want to vomit any time one of these sports writers talks about "the good old days" of baseball. good old days? you mean back when the colored boys weren't allowed to play with the white folk? while i don't HATE babe ruth like my brother does, i do think it's nothing short of sad how we like to pretend that guys like him and ty cobb are such revered figures. ruth was a drunken womanizer and ty cobb was a dirty racist. funny how we don't seem to have that thrown around left and right when we're reminiscing about the "good old days". if these guys were playing NOW the press would have had a field day besmirching them instead of sucking them off like they do now.
- it's also funny how baseball never seems to complain when the gravy train is running fine. oh they got no problem with the money and fans and ticket sales that guys like pete rose and mark mcguire bring in. but when it comes time to recognize.... oh now suddenly they're on the high horse. fuck you baseball. you fucking OWE it to mcguire to put him in the hall of fame. he almost single-handedly saved your pathetic sport after it collapsed under the weight of your own greed.
so go ahead and vote your stupid vote and pretend that you're honoring a real sport and being all noble about it. you all make me sick.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
top 11
From bbspot. top 11 ways blogging is like sex.
11. At first, you’re just blogging once every week or two, but it’s not long before you’re doing it a couple of times a day.
10. A lot of kids fool around with blogs in high school but the serious blogging doesn’t start until college.
9. People really only have one good entry at a time, but will often fake multiple entries because they think it makes their readers happy.
8. It hurts when you’ve blogged and the next day your readers pretend like it never happened.
7. You know better than to blog when you’re drunk, but it’s just more fun, even if you do it with topics you wouldn’t have touched when you were sober.
6. The day after you’ve blogged drunk, you’ve got a lot of explaining to do to your regular readers.
5. Men blog like they’ve got an audience, but women like to keep it intimate.
4. You have to vary your technique once in a while, otherwise your readers will lose interest and you’ll drift apart.
3. When you first start to blog, you don’t ever have any long term readers but all you can ever think about is blogging. After a while, you do find some regular readers, but then blogging becomes a chore and you start to feel guilty if it’s been a while.
2. Most people blog at night, in the privacy of their own homes, but there’s always some jackass strutting around bragging that he prefers to blog in the office at lunch or at the local park.
1. Everyone knows that if he ever did in fact blog in his office or in the park, he was alone and just blogging into his palm.
11. At first, you’re just blogging once every week or two, but it’s not long before you’re doing it a couple of times a day.
10. A lot of kids fool around with blogs in high school but the serious blogging doesn’t start until college.
9. People really only have one good entry at a time, but will often fake multiple entries because they think it makes their readers happy.
8. It hurts when you’ve blogged and the next day your readers pretend like it never happened.
7. You know better than to blog when you’re drunk, but it’s just more fun, even if you do it with topics you wouldn’t have touched when you were sober.
6. The day after you’ve blogged drunk, you’ve got a lot of explaining to do to your regular readers.
5. Men blog like they’ve got an audience, but women like to keep it intimate.
4. You have to vary your technique once in a while, otherwise your readers will lose interest and you’ll drift apart.
3. When you first start to blog, you don’t ever have any long term readers but all you can ever think about is blogging. After a while, you do find some regular readers, but then blogging becomes a chore and you start to feel guilty if it’s been a while.
2. Most people blog at night, in the privacy of their own homes, but there’s always some jackass strutting around bragging that he prefers to blog in the office at lunch or at the local park.
1. Everyone knows that if he ever did in fact blog in his office or in the park, he was alone and just blogging into his palm.
Monday, January 01, 2007
The rules
from moderndrunkardmagazine.com the 86 rules of drinking. i'm adding my own comments to spice it up.
1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.
- it's more fun for the both of you
2. Always toast before doing a shot.
- unless you're alone. well, unless you're toast is, "here's to you ya handsome bastard"
3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
- if he doesn't do it, feel free to offer whatever the hell you like.
4. Change your toast at least once a month.
- unless it's something really really good. after all, there's something to be said for tradition.
5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
- hi i'm jimmy. here have a beer.
6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
- frankly i think buying one is dumb. but that's just me.
7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
- bring your own. what is this, prison?
8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.
- have some respect for the poor drunk fool.
9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.
- bartenders is people too.
10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
- unless it's dead. then chat your drunk ass away.
11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.
- the quick way to get smacked around.
12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
- cuz he'll fix that next time you order one. unless you LIKE drinking tap water.
13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.
- hopefully.
14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
- sucker.
15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
- and you're still a sucker.
16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
- drink up ya luck bastard. to my knowledge this almost never happens.
17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.
- it's called manners.
18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.
- i guess. i'm not a wine drinker personally.
19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.
- just like mcguyver would.
20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
- not this time nancy-boy!!
21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
- because society wasn't frowning on it nearly as much as they are now.
22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
- not even that. do your business and leave.
23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
- unless they're looking to fight.
24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
- or give false confidence.
25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
- or quoting homer simpson.
26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.
- just don't do it. chances are i'll hate what you pick and you'll hate what i pick. let's save each other the pain and not request anything.
27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.
- ask my brother. it's true.
28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
- and make sure you drink from the brown paper bag ya cheap wino.
29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.
- they'll appreciate it.
30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
- once again, it's called manners.
31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.
- how dare they hide beer. you drink ALL that hoarding bastard's stash!!!
32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.
- i got no problem with that.
33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
- like from a keg. stolen kegs are the best.
34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.
- for every one GOOD beer you drink you must drink TWO of yours.
35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.
- i never thought of it that way. nice.
36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.
- learning is fun
37. Try one new drink each week.
- i dunno, that gets expensive.
38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.
- if that happens leave. cuz then that's just depressing.
39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.
- plus it's a pain in the ass to lug around.
40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.
- indeed you are
41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.
- not always. sometimes she really is THAT DAMN HOT.
42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.
- if they're wearing the glass like a feedbag, do NOT attempt to outdrink them.
43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.
- preferably someone to drunk to defend the accusation.
44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
- sofis-ti-pated.... no wait.... sosic-a-mated.....ugh.....
45. It's okay to drink alone.
- sometimes it's your only option.
46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.
- just make sure you remember her face when you come back from the can.
47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.
- if more than one person is doing it, you've wandered itno a gay bar or country club. either way RUN.
48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.
- it's impossible to look manley and drink from a straw. it can't be done. john wayne himself wouldn't be able (nor would he attempt) to do it.
49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.
- damn straight.
50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
- and never dive in a brood bar. no wait....
51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
- you should be kicked in the fucking head if you do.
52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.
- enjoy the songs picked by the guy who just left in the meantime.
53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.
- why would you?
54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
- remember, you stretch the truth, you don't break it.
55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
- and that isn't drool
56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.
- for a guy.
57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.
- hence you must fight someone drunker than you.
58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
- oh indeed.
59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
- you god damn well BETTER.
60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.
- and scurry off to drink it in a dark corner. like the rat you are. nibble at that cheese....
61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
- plus you don't know what has been on that table.
62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.
- plus you may get lucky and he's so drunk he always thinks it's his turn to buy.
63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.
- either way you're a sucker. she's going to be nice so keep tipping you tool.
64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
- they didn't get rich GIVING it away.
65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.
- and if i don't?
66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”
- he's then allowed to try and give you the cheap shit and charge the expensive price.
67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
- after enough drinks it's ALL good.
68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
- and don't order something complicated you ass.
69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
- so monitor your beer close. it should never leave your sight or grip.
70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.
- just try not to think of it like this TOO literally.
71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
- just make sure you reappear with pants on. then they have to ask.
72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.
- try and drink somewhere where the bartender is honest.
73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
- and no bitching if you don't drink it.
74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
- he's busy and has money to make. know what the fuck you want dipshit.
75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.
- good beer makes you punchy.
76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.
- a RICH drunkard.
77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”
- just don't.
78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.
- then god bless that man.
79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.
- unless no other bar wants you. then hang your head in shame and drink up.
80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
- damn straight.
81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.
- just don't drink a LOT of it. moderation.
82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.
- now that's just funny.
83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
- but that's only cuz you move 5 times as slow.
84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.
- it's fucking classy. just like me.
85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.
- and pouring alcohol all over naked bodies in hot passionate sex is way the fuck off the chart. but then that's like one of those things that only happens in pornos.
86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.
- forget..... forget.....
1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.
- it's more fun for the both of you
2. Always toast before doing a shot.
- unless you're alone. well, unless you're toast is, "here's to you ya handsome bastard"
3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
- if he doesn't do it, feel free to offer whatever the hell you like.
4. Change your toast at least once a month.
- unless it's something really really good. after all, there's something to be said for tradition.
5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
- hi i'm jimmy. here have a beer.
6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
- frankly i think buying one is dumb. but that's just me.
7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
- bring your own. what is this, prison?
8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.
- have some respect for the poor drunk fool.
9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.
- bartenders is people too.
10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
- unless it's dead. then chat your drunk ass away.
11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.
- the quick way to get smacked around.
12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
- cuz he'll fix that next time you order one. unless you LIKE drinking tap water.
13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.
- hopefully.
14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
- sucker.
15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
- and you're still a sucker.
16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
- drink up ya luck bastard. to my knowledge this almost never happens.
17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.
- it's called manners.
18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.
- i guess. i'm not a wine drinker personally.
19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.
- just like mcguyver would.
20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
- not this time nancy-boy!!
21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
- because society wasn't frowning on it nearly as much as they are now.
22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
- not even that. do your business and leave.
23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
- unless they're looking to fight.
24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
- or give false confidence.
25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
- or quoting homer simpson.
26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.
- just don't do it. chances are i'll hate what you pick and you'll hate what i pick. let's save each other the pain and not request anything.
27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.
- ask my brother. it's true.
28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
- and make sure you drink from the brown paper bag ya cheap wino.
29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.
- they'll appreciate it.
30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
- once again, it's called manners.
31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.
- how dare they hide beer. you drink ALL that hoarding bastard's stash!!!
32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.
- i got no problem with that.
33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
- like from a keg. stolen kegs are the best.
34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.
- for every one GOOD beer you drink you must drink TWO of yours.
35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.
- i never thought of it that way. nice.
36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.
- learning is fun
37. Try one new drink each week.
- i dunno, that gets expensive.
38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.
- if that happens leave. cuz then that's just depressing.
39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.
- plus it's a pain in the ass to lug around.
40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.
- indeed you are
41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.
- not always. sometimes she really is THAT DAMN HOT.
42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.
- if they're wearing the glass like a feedbag, do NOT attempt to outdrink them.
43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.
- preferably someone to drunk to defend the accusation.
44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
- sofis-ti-pated.... no wait.... sosic-a-mated.....ugh.....
45. It's okay to drink alone.
- sometimes it's your only option.
46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.
- just make sure you remember her face when you come back from the can.
47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.
- if more than one person is doing it, you've wandered itno a gay bar or country club. either way RUN.
48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.
- it's impossible to look manley and drink from a straw. it can't be done. john wayne himself wouldn't be able (nor would he attempt) to do it.
49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.
- damn straight.
50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
- and never dive in a brood bar. no wait....
51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
- you should be kicked in the fucking head if you do.
52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.
- enjoy the songs picked by the guy who just left in the meantime.
53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.
- why would you?
54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
- remember, you stretch the truth, you don't break it.
55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
- and that isn't drool
56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.
- for a guy.
57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.
- hence you must fight someone drunker than you.
58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
- oh indeed.
59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
- you god damn well BETTER.
60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.
- and scurry off to drink it in a dark corner. like the rat you are. nibble at that cheese....
61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
- plus you don't know what has been on that table.
62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.
- plus you may get lucky and he's so drunk he always thinks it's his turn to buy.
63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.
- either way you're a sucker. she's going to be nice so keep tipping you tool.
64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
- they didn't get rich GIVING it away.
65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.
- and if i don't?
66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”
- he's then allowed to try and give you the cheap shit and charge the expensive price.
67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
- after enough drinks it's ALL good.
68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
- and don't order something complicated you ass.
69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
- so monitor your beer close. it should never leave your sight or grip.
70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.
- just try not to think of it like this TOO literally.
71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
- just make sure you reappear with pants on. then they have to ask.
72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.
- try and drink somewhere where the bartender is honest.
73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
- and no bitching if you don't drink it.
74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
- he's busy and has money to make. know what the fuck you want dipshit.
75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.
- good beer makes you punchy.
76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.
- a RICH drunkard.
77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”
- just don't.
78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.
- then god bless that man.
79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.
- unless no other bar wants you. then hang your head in shame and drink up.
80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
- damn straight.
81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.
- just don't drink a LOT of it. moderation.
82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.
- now that's just funny.
83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
- but that's only cuz you move 5 times as slow.
84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.
- it's fucking classy. just like me.
85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.
- and pouring alcohol all over naked bodies in hot passionate sex is way the fuck off the chart. but then that's like one of those things that only happens in pornos.
86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.
- forget..... forget.....
#1 of autoblog
autoblog's #1 most commented post of 2006
debut of the chevy camaro concept
a bitching car that needs to be made.
debut of the chevy camaro concept
a bitching car that needs to be made.
by the way
I know some of you that visit here found this place because of the NASCAR posting i used to do. Maybe you found your way over from my time as a blogger for thatsracin.com or just by accident. either way, i'm just letting you know that those postings aren't happening anymore. ever. after the Talladega race during the 2006 chase, i officially quit NASCAR for good. several reasons.
- no more enforcement. that race ending sealed it. NASCAR doesn't give a rat's ass about enforcing rules or sportsmanlike conduct. yeah yeah it just so happened that it was Jr that got screwed, that did add to it, but that was just the straw that broke the camel's back. i mean seriously, is there a sport out there more selective on how and when they enforce their OWN rules? i just can't take it.
- TV coverage. it sucks. plain and simple. i'd like to think that it might get better with the return to ESPN, but i really have no reason to think otherwise. we're still going to have to sit thru 1/3 of the race being commercials, boring filler segments, and announcers with their heads jammed WAY the fuck up their asses.
- overblown news. tony stewart gets mad. dale jr says ANYTHING. a roush driver complains. these are all things that we're used to happening and once they do the news can't shove it down our collective throats fast enough. i'm tired of one story being told 50 ba-ZILLION times and always being blown way the fuck out of proportion.
- johnson winning title. this isn't a main reason, it's just something that ties in with previous reasons. like the enforcement. our current championship team has been busted for cheating more than anyone else and then comes out and wins the title. so how are any of us supposed to think NASCAR is serious about enforcing rules. yeah sure. next you'll tell me that baseball was serious about busting steroids back when McGuire and Sosa were saving baseball from collapsing. johnson winning is also going to fall under the "overblown news". i'm not particularly interested in a TON of johnson ass-kissing.
so it's been a good run. i've had some good times watching and met some great people. it's now NFL, some NBA, and Manchester United watching for me.
- no more enforcement. that race ending sealed it. NASCAR doesn't give a rat's ass about enforcing rules or sportsmanlike conduct. yeah yeah it just so happened that it was Jr that got screwed, that did add to it, but that was just the straw that broke the camel's back. i mean seriously, is there a sport out there more selective on how and when they enforce their OWN rules? i just can't take it.
- TV coverage. it sucks. plain and simple. i'd like to think that it might get better with the return to ESPN, but i really have no reason to think otherwise. we're still going to have to sit thru 1/3 of the race being commercials, boring filler segments, and announcers with their heads jammed WAY the fuck up their asses.
- overblown news. tony stewart gets mad. dale jr says ANYTHING. a roush driver complains. these are all things that we're used to happening and once they do the news can't shove it down our collective throats fast enough. i'm tired of one story being told 50 ba-ZILLION times and always being blown way the fuck out of proportion.
- johnson winning title. this isn't a main reason, it's just something that ties in with previous reasons. like the enforcement. our current championship team has been busted for cheating more than anyone else and then comes out and wins the title. so how are any of us supposed to think NASCAR is serious about enforcing rules. yeah sure. next you'll tell me that baseball was serious about busting steroids back when McGuire and Sosa were saving baseball from collapsing. johnson winning is also going to fall under the "overblown news". i'm not particularly interested in a TON of johnson ass-kissing.
so it's been a good run. i've had some good times watching and met some great people. it's now NFL, some NBA, and Manchester United watching for me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)