Monday, January 01, 2007

The rules

from the 86 rules of drinking. i'm adding my own comments to spice it up.

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.

- it's more fun for the both of you

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

- unless you're alone. well, unless you're toast is, "here's to you ya handsome bastard"

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

- if he doesn't do it, feel free to offer whatever the hell you like.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

- unless it's something really really good. after all, there's something to be said for tradition.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

- hi i'm jimmy. here have a beer.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

- frankly i think buying one is dumb. but that's just me.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

- bring your own. what is this, prison?

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

- have some respect for the poor drunk fool.

9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

- bartenders is people too.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

- unless it's dead. then chat your drunk ass away.

11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.

- the quick way to get smacked around.

12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

- cuz he'll fix that next time you order one. unless you LIKE drinking tap water.

13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.

- hopefully.

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

- sucker.

15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

- and you're still a sucker.

16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

- drink up ya luck bastard. to my knowledge this almost never happens.

17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

- it's called manners.

18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.

- i guess. i'm not a wine drinker personally.

19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

- just like mcguyver would.

20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.

- not this time nancy-boy!!

21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

- because society wasn't frowning on it nearly as much as they are now.

22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.

- not even that. do your business and leave.

23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.

- unless they're looking to fight.

24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.

- or give false confidence.

25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.

- or quoting homer simpson.

26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.

- just don't do it. chances are i'll hate what you pick and you'll hate what i pick. let's save each other the pain and not request anything.

27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.

- ask my brother. it's true.

28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

- and make sure you drink from the brown paper bag ya cheap wino.

29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.

- they'll appreciate it.

30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

- once again, it's called manners.

31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.

- how dare they hide beer. you drink ALL that hoarding bastard's stash!!!

32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.

- i got no problem with that.

33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

- like from a keg. stolen kegs are the best.

34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.

- for every one GOOD beer you drink you must drink TWO of yours.

35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.

- i never thought of it that way. nice.

36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.

- learning is fun

37. Try one new drink each week.

- i dunno, that gets expensive.

38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.

- if that happens leave. cuz then that's just depressing.

39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.

- plus it's a pain in the ass to lug around.

40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.

- indeed you are

41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.

- not always. sometimes she really is THAT DAMN HOT.

42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.

- if they're wearing the glass like a feedbag, do NOT attempt to outdrink them.

43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.

- preferably someone to drunk to defend the accusation.

44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.

- sofis-ti-pated.... no wait.... sosic-a-mated.....ugh.....

45. It's okay to drink alone.

- sometimes it's your only option.

46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.

- just make sure you remember her face when you come back from the can.

47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.

- if more than one person is doing it, you've wandered itno a gay bar or country club. either way RUN.

48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.

- it's impossible to look manley and drink from a straw. it can't be done. john wayne himself wouldn't be able (nor would he attempt) to do it.

49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.

- damn straight.

50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.

- and never dive in a brood bar. no wait....

51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.

- you should be kicked in the fucking head if you do.

52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.

- enjoy the songs picked by the guy who just left in the meantime.

53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.

- why would you?

54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.

- remember, you stretch the truth, you don't break it.

55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

- and that isn't drool

56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.

- for a guy.

57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.

- hence you must fight someone drunker than you.

58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.

- oh indeed.

59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.

- you god damn well BETTER.

60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.

- and scurry off to drink it in a dark corner. like the rat you are. nibble at that cheese....

61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.

- plus you don't know what has been on that table.

62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.

- plus you may get lucky and he's so drunk he always thinks it's his turn to buy.

63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.

- either way you're a sucker. she's going to be nice so keep tipping you tool.

64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.

- they didn't get rich GIVING it away.

65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.

- and if i don't?

66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”

- he's then allowed to try and give you the cheap shit and charge the expensive price.

67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

- after enough drinks it's ALL good.

68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.

- and don't order something complicated you ass.

69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

- so monitor your beer close. it should never leave your sight or grip.

70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.

- just try not to think of it like this TOO literally.

71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.

- just make sure you reappear with pants on. then they have to ask.

72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.

- try and drink somewhere where the bartender is honest.

73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.

- and no bitching if you don't drink it.

74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.

- he's busy and has money to make. know what the fuck you want dipshit.

75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.

- good beer makes you punchy.

76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.

- a RICH drunkard.

77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”

- just don't.

78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.

- then god bless that man.

79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.

- unless no other bar wants you. then hang your head in shame and drink up.

80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.

- damn straight.

81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.

- just don't drink a LOT of it. moderation.

82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.

- now that's just funny.

83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

- but that's only cuz you move 5 times as slow.

84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.

- it's fucking classy. just like me.

85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.

- and pouring alcohol all over naked bodies in hot passionate sex is way the fuck off the chart. but then that's like one of those things that only happens in pornos.

86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.

- forget..... forget.....

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