Saturday, March 11, 2006

top 50

top 50 ways to ruin a frat party. my favs are 45 and 7

50. Smear your naked body in Vasoline, and then, in front of the crowd, tell the fraternity president that you have done everything he asked, and are ready for his "personal initiation".
49. While manning the keg, tell your fraternity brothers, one by one as you’re filling up their beer, that you “kinda like them as more than a friend.”
48. Leak a fake news story that all the Natural Light and Pabst Blue Ribbon has been recalled due to possible "tampering".
47. Bet one of the drunk brothers $100 that he can’t wrestle some random dude’s clothes off.
46. Wear shorts and then dance around the house secretly pissing on people’s legs. When they turn around, act like you spilled your beer.
45. Replace all the condoms in the house with Magnums. Then watch at the end of the night as all the girls walk out of the rooms laughing.
44. Steal the house mascot lamb and sell it to the gyro vendor on the corner.
43. Invite the women’s basketball team.
42. Apologize to the crowd and tell them that you’ve had to cancel the donkey show, because the donkey arrived dead on arrival. However, you hate to waste a good whore, so instead you’re borrowing your friend’s pet, and the hermit crab show will begin in twenty minutes.
41. Put a human head in the refrigerator.
40. Play porn videos in each bathroom at full volume with the doors locked all night.
39. Two words: Sui. Cide.
38. Steal all the men on the Foosball table.
37. Start an argument about which is better: Old School or Animal House
36. Persuade the Theta Ki sisters to pull out their penises.
35. Run frantically into the party and shout, “Someone is outside keying a Jeep Wrangler!” Watch as the brothers break for the doors.
34. Make anonymous phone calls to homes of all the high school girls’ parents informing them that their daughter is drinking and having sex at the house. Watch as the angry fathers storm in looking for their little girls.
33. Whenever you spot a guy macking on a hot girl, walk up to her and whisper in her ear that you have had sex with the guy, and he is fantastic in the sack.
32. Walk around with your dick stuck in a ball of ground meat and if anyone asks, insist that you are “Rushing”.
31. When "Sweet Caroline" inevitably plays, go "BAH BAH BAH!" one measure early every time, then keep swearing and cursing and hitting yourself through where it's supposed to go.
30. Be sure to steer every conversation to how much you hate Will Ferrell.
29. Bring a mix CD of last year's greatest rap/R&B hits and swap it with this year's. Listen to drunken partygoers say "those songs were so last month" as they head for the exit.
28. Make a label that says "NEW Axe Body Spray: Wild Musk" place it on a spray bottle of fox piss, and leave it in the living room.
27. Place a sign on the wall that says, “There have been 0 days since a work stoppage due to a pledge dying of alcohol poisoning.”
26. Whiskey-dick measuring contest.
25. Tell everyone Dave Chapelle died.
24. Walk around with no pants and a “My Friend Flicka” butt plug in your ass. When people ask why, tell them that “America just needs to believe in ol’ He-biscuit.”
23. Print out crude and disturbing pictures from the internet of animals being abused and stick them on the fridge. Tell everyone it’s from last weekends “Charity Picnic”, when brothers Stu and Moose got bored.
22. Claim to be pre-med and quietly whisper into every girl's ear who's being hit on by a brother at the party that you "interned at the campus med center and he came in complaining of a creamy yellow discharge in his sheets".
21. Actually throw a punch when one of the brothers tries to pick a fight by thrusting out his chest, pushing and shouting at you.
20. Every time someone quotes Old School, Office Space, Napoleon Dynamite, or Wedding Crashers, punch them in the fucking mouth.
19. Whenever you give a girl a cup of beer, warn her that there "might be piss" in her drink. When she looks at you confused, nod knowingly and walk away.
18. Ask all the guys at the party if they want to learn the secret handshake. If they say yes, gently cup their balls, close your eyes, and move toward them for an open-mouth kiss.
17. Print out the grades of the brothers and place them on the wall .
16. Buy a bag of black, heavy-duty, 100% cotton Hanes T-shirts for the annual Wet T-Shirt Contest.
15. Set bass to -9 on stereo. Set treble to +9. Set fade to all the way left. Break off knobs.
14. Perform the "upperdecker"- pooping in the tank. It's always a crowd pleaser.
13. Hang nude pin-ups of the Golden Girls over every bed, couch, and any flooring with carpet. Also laminate a few and put them in the bathroom and in the kitchen.
12. Invite the cast of “Murderball”, and tell them the keg is on the second floor.
11. Tell people that your last party was even crazier, and ask if they want to see the video you made. Then show them party footage edited together with Faces of Death. When people ask who got eaten by the crocodile, just say you “don’t want to dwell on that”.
10. Be black. Attend Fraternity party.
9. Secretly replace all Red Bulls with piss. Not only will this sap the energy from the party, but no one will be able to taste the difference.
8. Ask a brother who is in the midst of making out with one of the "sisters" what your DNA tastes like, because the same wasted girl blew you ten minutes ago upstairs. Tell "Snowball" to look on the bright side: he has a new nickname, and there is no way he can get pregnant that way.
7. Get a police outfit, then take a woman with a fake black eye to the party. Walk around from man to man in the party asking the woman, "Is this the guy?" as she sobs.
6. Make Jell-o shots for the ladies, and place an unbroken and rather scary-looking pill in each one. Insist that there is no pill in there and that they should just "down it!"
5. Run in and scream, “Fuck man, the Dave Matthews Band broke up!”
4. When a girl asks if you know how to make a White Russian, say “sure”, and make one for her. Half an hour later, go up to her, embarrassed, and ask her if you were supposed to masturbate into it once or twice. You never can remember your mixed drinks.
3. Brutally harass a group of hopeless but determined nerds all semester, then challenge them to some sort of competition. Use your hot cheerleader girlfriends as bait for an elabore big prank that will leave them humiliated and desperate for revenge. When the day of the big competition arrives, arrogantly assume that the nerds don't stand a chance. Then standby and prepare scream, "I hate nerds!" as the victorious doofuses are celebrating their victory by banging your best girl.
2. Drop pants near keg. Do a handstand and put the tap up your ass. Start pouring while enthusiastically counting off.
1. Invite Girls

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