climbing the hill

Ok so i'm about 1 week from being able to say "i have not had Mountain Dew, Monster, or any junk food in 2 months" and while i should be doing the happy dance, right now i could eat a package of Oreos and wash them down with a 12-pack of Dew. But...no. gotta stay strong. So last week i started a "diet" put together by my buddy Scott who is our medic here. I've been following his advice and we've been hitting the gym in the mornings together. I'm eating basically meat and a salad for lunch/dinner, an omlette and hash browns for breakfast, and i'm replacing one or two of these meals with a protein drink, sometimes a drink one instead of breakfast, etc.... you get the picture. at the gym i'm keeping it simple but painful. I do cardio for an hour to an hour and a half. Lemme tell you something. 90 minutes on an elliptical machine and your calf muscles are JELLO after. Scott asked how much i weighed. i told him that when i did my physical back in DC to come over here in october, i weighed in at (i can't believe i'm putting this in print) 280.

i won't lie, that gave me a kick in the ass for motivation when i found that out. There's a big difference between knowing you're a fatass and knowing JUST HOW MUCH of a fatass you are. putting a number on it was a face full of cold water.

so anyways Scott said "i promise you man, you stuck with this and in 3 or 4 months you'll be down to 210 or 220." It's been easily 6 years since i weighed that close to 200. I couldn't even imagine it now. It's like when i look at old pics of me right out of high school when i looked like i weighed a buck and a quarter. i just can't FATHOM being in the shape i was in. you know what, there's only one way to find this out right? stay the course.

my motivation in all this remains misty. even to me. do i want to be healthy? do i want to look better? do i want to feel better?

- the health factor. i'd put it at about 5%. honestly i just don't care. my health has never been something i've ever concerned myself about. you can tell me i should till you pass out. i won't. i've already said i don't plan to live to be old.

- looks. i'd rate this around 35%. i have never considered myself an attractive person. so it's not like if i pull this off i'm going to bullshit myself into thinking i'm going to be a lady-killer. even at my physical peak i still thought of myself as woman-repellent. the only reason i've had girlfriends is because, well, i'm sure they had their reasons. the only reason i've gotten laid as many damn times as i have is because i don't have high standards and i'm a total whore. so looks have never been a weapon i thought i could stock in my arsenal when hunting females. the only weapons i think i have that are effective is a sense of humor and a back massage that never fails to please the ladies.

- feeling better. i'd dial this one in at 40%. i'd kinda like being able to climb a couple flights of stairs and not get winded. feeling myself jiggle is getting old. seeing X anywhere on my clothing tab is getting old. i mean i knew when i started wrecking my body that sooner or later i would decide to care again.

- just seeing if i can do it. this is 10%. i love a good challenge.

- remaining 10% motivation. it's a secret.