Rock on

Before i left TX i got together with some coworkers for some Rock Band goodness. We totally rock. Notice Tony in the middle has literally rocked out of his pants.

FBDS

Ladies, are you tired of guys touching your boobs? Wish you had an effective yet cute way to keep those grubby hands off?

Introducing, the FBDS

Feline Boob Defense System

Container homes

Story about the expansion of shipping containers converted to cheap housing.

Here

Lemme tell you right now, back when i was in Afghanistan these would have been like moving into a mansion. These things really aren't that bad. You won't be hosting any superbowl parties in them but they're comfy.

Sunday Fun Day

Sunday my coworker scored some tickets to the Redskins game. Some NICE ones.



Here's our view. We spent the 1st quarter and half the 2nd from here. I was about 2 minutes from fighting a guy. Some jackhole who thought he was Madden and knew how to run the team. So with about 6 minutes left in the half we relocated.....



here. We spent halftime and most of the 3rd quarter here. I dunno who got the idea to put a Hooters in the stadium but god bless them. Anyways, from there we went to....



A cigar bar. Nice.



I wonder what the poor people are doing.

Your Mayor

This is the mayor of Rantville. In case you didn't guess, I'm from Texas.

It hungers for still more

Let's face it, Xmas has absorbed Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is nothing more than a big meal you eat before you start a month of Xmas shopping. It would appear Xmas is not yet satisfied and requires more sacrifice from the holiday gods. I had warned people that Xmas would soon set its sights on Halloween and it looks like....

I was right

HAPPY LOVE DAY EVERYONE!! (please tell me someone gets the reference)

Gas

Gas prices hitting everyone hard.

even Cocaine dealers

Feel good

For those you friends and family who have expressed concerns about me going to Iraq, i invite you to read an article expressing just how much it has changed. You won't find this kind of good news watching TV. No Jon Stewart making jokes, no Hollywood retards tossing their two cents in.

Here

Biden: das looney toons

Joe Biden: officially fucking crazy.

pay more taxes or you hate America

so, lemme see if i'm getting this right.... to show they love America, people already handing over 50% of their money need to give MORE... to a bunch of yahoos who have mismanaged they money already given to them. What's the matter? Are they planning on holding more steroid meetings? More lazy people want welfare? Prisoners complaining about lack of hot tubs? Illegal aliens want to own houses and we need to pay for it?

Much ado about moving

Ok, so it's been a while since an update and there have been a FEW things happening since then.

- no longer in San Antonio.
- currently living in a hotel (a nice one actually) in Falls Church, VA. This is in the Washington DC metro area.
- No longer working at an Air Force help desk. science be praised!!!
- my current job is sitting around waiting to process. for what?
- future job - IT tech in Iraq. yup. jimmy is headed back to the sandbox.

Pretty much everything is the same.

- still the angry loudmouth with a short fuse that you all know and love. actually, i'm not that bad unless news comes on.

As usual i have things bugging me.

- this election coverage makes me ill. How the press finds time to report anything between all the blowjobs they've been giving Obama i'll never know. at this point, i don't believe anything on the news. at all. i don't care who reports it. this has gone from "it kinda looks like certain news organizations have been leaning towards certain candidates" to fox news only stopping the mccain cheering long enough to publish juicy gossip. Only the most deluded of people could actually say with a serious face that everyone but Fox is doing everything they can to get Obama elected.

- despite the joke that is coverage, i don't feel angry about the election. i figure i'm winner either way. the way i see it, if Mccain wins, then i get to see the person i'd rather see in office not to mention the joy of seeing the femenists self-destruct. it's nice that more people are now seeing them for the phonies they always were. femenism was never about women. at least not since the late 80s. if Obama wins, then i get to laugh as he's forced to break promise after promise as he slowly realizes the reality of the job he's undertaking. i also get to laugh in Democrats faces when all this talk of "Change" goes to shit. nothing is going to change. accept it. the system is far bigger than any of us and electing a well-spoken black man raised to godhood by his cult of followers isn't going to bring down the system we live in.

anyways. i'm back to blogging (again).

Amazing

Just watched the Americans kick some French ass. Hells yeah. That was one of the most amazing races I've ever seen. Certainly the greatest swimming race I've ever seen.

On hold

I think we need to have a break from some things in life. We need to take at least a year from some things off just to kind of let life play out without them.


- Movies in which animals or babies talk. I mean the non animated kind. Stewie and Brian from Family Guy are both examples of acceptable. This shit is not funny anymore. At all. They've reached the bottom of the fucking barrel on this. DO HAVE TO EXPLAIN FURTHER?

- Photographing celebrities 24/7. I have to imagine this shit is beyond annoying as hell for famous people. Can't even go to the fraking grocery store without some douchbag sporting a camera hoping to catch you scratching your balls or pulling your underwear out of your ass. This needs to stop because all you lifeless pathetic losers who actually BUY the magazines and surf the web for these pics thereby giving the camera d-bags a REASON to shove a camera up stars asses. What's even worse is that these fuckos have the temerity to hide behind freedom of the press. are you shitting me? freedom of the press was enacted so that a news organization could print real news that people should know without fear of the government swooping in and ghosting them. It was done so that a reporter could let us know a Senator was taking bribes or that old ladies were getting fleeced for their life savings. Not so some fatass housewife could find out what Britney Spears looks like without makeup.

- Video Games based in WW2. This is game-making at its laziest. Ok, so you wanna enable us to kill humans without pissing off a group. Can't kill blacks, asians, mexicans, arabs, or hippies. White men are ok. Nobody seems to care when the object is to mow down waves of crackers. Not even crackers. What's even better than mowing down white guys? Why, killing endless hordes of EVIL white guys!!! Enter the Nazi. The go-to bad guy for anyone too fucking lazy to think outside the box or too chickenshit to risk pissing off minorities. Do i think we need to switch to killing minorities? No, or course not. I'm just saying it wouldn't kill these unoriginal bastards to MAKE SOMETHING UP. not everything has to be based on real events/groups/people/stories. Engage in some god damn creativity.

- Whore-based reality game shows. Like the Bachelor or Bachelorette. If you're really going to try and pass this shit off as anything approaching real, at the very least you could have the contestants acknowledge that are competing for the chance to be with someone who's basically dating a dozen people at once. You know what? that'll never work. Let's just cancel the shit all-together. Instead of sham relationships, let's see people either compete for something worth winning or at least provide a service to the community. Give a dozen people federal officer status, tasers, handcuffs, batons, and a list of bail jumpers or wanted criminals. Give out prizes for anyone texting in tips on where to find these fugitives. First person to round up their list wins. It doesn't even have to be dangerous felons. Have a team of women hunting men who aren't paying child support. That'll appease the feminist crowds. Get a group of guys who just lost their jobs making cars to hunt car thieves. Get a group of janitors to hunt down vandals. The point is, let's start being creative. I'll volunteer for one. I'll lead a group of IT people to track down spammers. The episode ends with me draining the battery on my taser by shocking the guy's balls till they catch on fire. You think people won't watch? People are already doing FOR FREE.


I'm sure I'll think of more. right now I'm hitting the sack.

Recommendations

I have a few things online to recommend.

- Zero Punction This guy is great. The animation makes the ranting 50 times better. Try to imagine a British version of me.

- xkcd A very smart, offbeat, and funny comic. Stick figure drawing, mathmatical references galore, and some deep thoughts about love and loss.

- Facebook. check out my profile pic. tee hee.

- The Pirate Bay if you don't know about Torrents, i highly suggest you learn. Kiss paying for music and movies goodbye. Rediscover old TV shows. Get some software.

- Filehippo tired of paying for software? Plenty of free replacements for the stuff you're probably paying out the ass for right now. Better stuff too. For example, tell Adobe Acrobat and its 1 hour start-up time to shove off and get FoxIt. Give Microsoft Office the finger and get Openoffice. Give Norton a huge foot in the mouth, punch to the gut, and bullet to the brain... and get AVG.

Still selling out, still not funny anymore

Some footage of the new Treehouse of Horror for the 20th season of the Simpsons was screened at Comic-Con. From the discription it sounds like we're in for another year of unfunny selling out to Liberal-ville. We're dangerously close to having to resort to "accidental" deaths of the cast and crew in order to stop this travesty of a show. Am i alone in thinking this?

Spoiler warning: Here's what they described.


The presentation began with a screening of two clips from the forthcoming "Treehouse of Horror XIX," introduced by Groening. BEGIN SPOILERS:

The first clip is set on Election Day, with half of a Springfield street's storefronts decorated with Obama signs and the other side covered with McCain ones. Grandpa Simpson holds a sign that reads, "I Still Like Ike"; Mr. Burns stands on the opposite side with a sign that says, "Vote NO on the Magna Carta."

Homer checks in at the polling station looking to vote for governor, president, "anything that will take more money from our parks and libraries." Home can't squeeze into the first voting booth so he's sent to the handicap one since its wider. That booth has an electronic voting machine, which he soon discovers is rigged when his votes for Obama are recognized as McCain votes. When he threatens to report the machine, it opens up revealing a vacuum tube that sucks him inside. He gets sucked inside and then spat back out into the auditorium, where stamps Homer's head with a sticker that reads, "I Just Voted."

Bat

"look mommy, it's batman.... AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!"

so does this kid turn into a vampire now?

The call

5 year old says so long to day care, hello to Hooters.

If you're the father you say to the boy, "that's my boy!!"

Then you go find an ass to kick in that day care center.

That's a pretty good Hooters too.

ESPY awards and more sports

I was entertained. Justin Timberlake was a good host. Loved the musical number. Let me just say a few things.

- fuck the New York Giants. fuck em all right in the ass. fuck all you phony assholes who are NOW going around saying "i knew they'd win". you fucking liars. even the GIANTS barely thought they'd win that game so don't give me that shit. thanks to Tom and the pats screwing the pooch at the WORST POSSIBLE TIME we now have everyone fighting for a chance to suck the Giants off. fuck all that shit.

- The LPGA should be ashamed of themselves. I understand she forgot to sign her scorecard. fine, i get that. but you know what? they should have told her right away. for them to let her play the next day while they milk another day of publicity was just pathetic. that's a messed up thing to do. to anyone.

- Best line of the show. Ray Allen's acceptance speech for Best Team "wow, another win in L.A." that's great. up yours Lakers ya losers.

- How could you not give Best Game to the Suns-Spurs Game 1 playoff game? That was just a good game. No, let's just take another chance to blow Eli. Pussies.

Back in the game

i find there's enough going on that i think it's high time i start throwing my 2 cents back in.

Sports

- NASCAR continues a downward spiral to oblivion. Kyle Busch is never going to be popular, no matter HOW many races he wins. Period. So take note NASCAR, your policy of "shove winners down the fan's throats like hot dogs in a competition no matter how much they don't care" is going to kill you. We didn't like having the douchebag jimmie johnson shoved in our faces and you are really really really pushing it with kyle busch. you aren't even being discreet about it. We know the fans hate Busch and that you want to mask that as desperately as you can. Know how i know that? You show like 5 seconds of footage of the stands when he wins. Stands not filled with people screaming their heads off. What am i talking about? Go look at the footage you have of Jr, Gordon (jeff), or Stewart winning a race. With the economy going the way it is you're already hurting for real NASCAR fans to show up. You're already waving your dick at the TV watching fans with the eleventy-ka-dillion commercials you show. Oh and by the way, trying to get Obama sponsorship? Why not just put a sign on the pace car that says "we promise we aren't racist" it'll be cheaper and save you some dignity.

- July sucks for sports. No NBA, No NFL, just Baseball. *gag*

- That chick playing basketball in the Olympics for Russia? My brother and i had a long discussion about her. No, i don't think she's a "traitor". If she didn't have such a strong case for saying she wasn't included because of back-room politics (how do you not ask a top 5 WNBA player to even try out?) I'd be inclined to tell her "you know what honey, lots of people who wanted to go to China didn't make it. Suck it the fuck up and try again in 4 years." but her not getting picked was a pretty shady deal. STILL.... she seems to want to not be hated and thought of in a negative light. Not going to happen. Just be glad you're in America. Other countries take the whole "representing your country" thing a SHITLOAD more seriously than we do.

- This whole Favre story needs to die. nobody seems to wanna see things from the Packers point of view. so let me help you out. they have to think of the team beyond the great Brett Favre. they have to consider certain possibilities and what they would do to the team. My sports-authority friend Robbie says that Favre is still a top 10 QB. Which begs the question "why the fuck would you give the enemy help by trading a GOOD player?" if you can negotiate a deal that makes your team better then by all means trade away, but if people are just asking you to release Favre just because he wants to play well fuck all that shit. you don't give the other teams ammo, that's just stupid. i mean, suppose they did get rid of Favre and he goes on the next season to win the superbowl? how stupid does Green Bay look THEN? the owner would have to move to Canada to escape death by fans. luckily it isn't far. so let's cut this "he's still got the itch to play we should do whatever he wants" shit.


Politics

- I love reading these articles talking about how members of congress are ragging on Bush. It makes me laugh because these bozos have an 18% approval rating. 18 fucking percent. not even 1/5 of the country thinks they're doing their job and they have the BALLS to criticize Bush? Of course, then i remember the American public has become a bunch of brain-dead nimrods who will ignore anything you do as long as you blame Bush for it. So i guess if i could suck at my job and people wouldn't even care, i'd be doing the same thing. Guess the joke is on us huh?

- Hey America, you DO realize that the Government is made of up more than just the President and Vice President right? contrary to what some of you geniuses believe, Bush and Cheney aren't running the whole show single-handedly. There is a Congress and Senate and Supreme Court also equally responsible for the mess we're in. Just thought I'd throw that out there in case some people decide to turn their brain on for a second.

- I really do hope Obama wins. first, because i wanna see what everyone does when life doesn't get better and there's no republicans or white men to blame. second, i wanna see if the general level of bitching from blacks about equality goes down some. doubt it. you think Spike Lee and Jessie Jackson are eager to get out of that nice little rut they're in? If he doesn't win, i honestly think we'll be seeing the end of the Democrat party as we know it. I think the moderate Dems will have been pushed over the edge and won't tolerate the lunatic fringe anymore. Right now i think they tolerate the moveon.org crowd because they want to win so bad they can taste it. but if it doesn't pay off, they're going to be pissed. So now that i think about it, maybe i don't want to see Obama win. Maybe it'll be more fun to watch the Democratic party eat itself alive.


Gaming

- nothing new here. Been playing nothing but World of Warcraft. I have a 70 Pally, a 70 Hunter and to avoid burnout i'm now leveling a Rogue.


Movies/TV

- The Dark Knight lives up to the hype and then some. Cinema godhood hath Heath Ledger attained.

- I'm in for some bittersweet TV viewing. Battlestar Galactica and The Shield.... when they come back on it's only to end the series.

- I can tell my sister is getting tired of me walking in while she's watching these dating reality shows (bachelor/bachelorette) and saying "so when are they going to ask one of these guys/girls if they can taste the dozen other men/women on the person they just made out with?"


Personal Life

- none. I go to work, i come home, i game, i surf the web. I don't have a life. meh. I'm cool with that. i see no need to spend the time/money/effort to go out.

RIP George Carlin

Kittens

awwww......

this reinforces what i tell people about owning cats. don't waste money buying fancy toys. the best ones are free. 75% of the best cat toys are empty grocery items.



Kittens-Coca Cola Box - The most amazing bloopers are here

Bacon

Two words: FUCK YEAH.

50 ways to use bacon

Guide to Cats

An engineer's guide to cats. Creative and funny.

Pool + Dominos =

The coolest fucking pool shot EVER.

Mouse

I didn't care for this week's South Park for a number of reasons, but this clip is just funny as freaking hell.

Petition

finally a real petition we need to all support.

This petition is to stop Uwe Boll from ever making movies again. For those of you unfamiliar with his previous work he is responsible for such atrocities as

Bloodrayne 1/2/3
Postal
Alone in the Dark
House of the Dead

if you've never seen these movie, count yourself lucky. i've only seen 2 of them and GOD was it painful.


Sign here

Denmark

Tonight's South Park motivated me to get creative. You have to watch the episode to get the joke fully. Trust me it's worth it. It should be up for viewing here sometime either late night or tomorrow.

Yikes

Whatever happened to just TPing the principal's house?

Now what

Bitch-boy is at it again. Not able to find enough reasons why his teams suck, Jack Roush has decided the newest unfairness perpetrated against his organization is theft. Someone stole something and they will pay.

Well, that's what he says anyway.

I think a Simpsons quote will do just fine here.

Dean: I'm sorry boys I've never had to expel anyone before, but that pig had powerful friends.
Nixon: Oh you'll pay, don't think you won't pay!!!

goooooooal

Hilarious. Watch the goalie sneak off and beat the crap out of the other goalie.

WVU baby!!!!

Aw yeah, suck it Duke!!!!! Suck it HARD!!!!

Heartbreak Ridge

Best moments of Heartbreak Ridge. love this movie.





i need to find the cadence scene.

Model A Ford and a tank full of gas,
handful of pussy and a mouth full of ass.....

UPDATE: found it!!! about 3 min into this one.

Nun joke

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair; she lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior, "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was ," sighed the Sister."And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to
Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blasp heme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling,
and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

Ring story

Via Digg

Story of a man who lost the engagement ring he was going to use because he put it in a helium balloon and then watched it blow away.

read it here.

this story is funny on many levels. the funniest for me? The fact that there is actually a suburb of London called "Cockfosters". call me immature, but that's just hilarious.

orders to kill

it isn't often that i advocate direct and specific violence against people. ok, well maybe it isn't. but this time i'm serious, there are some people out there that need to die. because that's the only way to stop them.

these people are the people behind the movies...

- superhero movie
- epic movie
- meet the spartans
- date movie
- scary movie 1/2/3/4


spoof movies reached the peak back in the days of Airplane and Naked Gun. you won't top them. this massive abortion of shitty movies we've been getting is a crime against humanity. please, someone kill the people responsible for putting these movies in theaters. please.

Basketball commercials

i had totally forgotten about this commercial. classic charles

shocking

Oh look, mysteriously AFTER the football season is over.....

Woman drops charges on Moss

gosh, it's almost as if the whole thing was just a plot to get attention..... naw.

Goodyear my ass

I'm back from New Mexico. cousin's wedding.

well i see as per usual, Goodyear is a bunch of douchebags and NASCAR in their GRAND wisdom continues to have exclusive contracts with companies ensuring the quality of the products they provide go absolutely NOWHERE.

news flash to nimrods at Goodyear: when the drivers who finish 2nd and 3rd who are also the most popular drivers are openly telling you that your product SUCKS, time to make changes.

Star Wars

mwa ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stacy

(sound of tongue rolling out like the red carpet before the Oscars)

Who matters?

OK, time for a rant. this one is directed at the lengths people will go to in order to feel like they "matter".

it started with the local news here in San Antonio reporting on the voting going on. They were talking to a Hillary supporter (a butt-ugly woman) and she started going on about how she thinks (and i quote) "we think we can pull out a victory".

ex-fucking-cuse me!?!?!? WE????? what's this WE shit? is she running for an office and the news just fail to mention it? reality check there jackass..... if HILLARY wins, then SHE gets to go on to fame and fortune. YOU the pathetic loser who voted for her, get to go back to your loser existence. there is no WE.

this is just like all the sports fans out there who talk about their team in terms of "i think we can win a championship this year." once again... WE????? did you get drafted? i don't see you out there on the field pal. THEY will try and win a championship. YOU will get to keep watching from the fucking COUCH. you are a FAN, not a PLAYER. YOU think that THEY can win.

are people really this fucking demented? are we so desperate to feel important that we bullshit ourselves into thinking that voting and cheering makes us part of a campaign or a team? apparently we are.

need more proof? how about those nimrods who stand in the background during the Today show or in pregame shows? there's maybe 2 or 3 people who are watching and saying "holy shit!!! i KNOW that guy!!!!" the rest of us are going "look at that dumb bastard in the background on his cell phone. can't we arrange for something to hit him?"

listen. not being famous isn't the fucking end of the world. yeah we all want our 15 minutes. i had mine. came and went. it's over and done. no big deal. i'll live. some of you may never be famous. that doesn't mean your life was meaningless. it just means you didn't become famous. there's no need to humiliate yourself. your pride isn't worth it. keep your dignity please.

Daffy

some classic Daffy Duck cartoons.

Funniest part of this one, 3:45. ooooooh brother!!!




One of the best. ah the good old days. remember when it was OK to make fun of people you were at war with?

Post-Daytona thoughts

It was ok. i wasn't floored or anything, but it wasn't too bad. A few points to make.

- the one time you DIDN'T want gordon or johnson to wreck and they do. this really cemented the fact that Jr is the single most dangerous driver in the post-Earnhardt Sr. era at a Superspeedway. i don't mean dangerous in a Kyle Busch, Robby Gordon, Montoya way. You know the "wreck everyone around you then act indignant when people get pissed at you." i mean dangerous as in everyone knows he's the man to beat and that if and everyone around you aren't working as a single unit to beat him, he's going to whip your ass. Even with the Toyotas having the cars to beat can you really say that if Jr had had ANY help he wouldn't have smoked them? Betting at restrictor plate races is like betting on golf. in golf you bet Tiger vs the field. Plate racing it's Jr vs the field. Field won this one, because the field acted AS a field against him. Hey it worked, my hat is off to them for admitting they had to if one them wanted to win.

- I'm still not blown away by the COT. i'll admit it has put more racing back into the driver's hands, but it still looks like shit.

- Coverage still sucks. Who the hell ARE some of these pit reporters? Have i been gone from the sport THAT long?

- I'm still getting used to the number/sponsor changes. We've gone from smoking and drinking (Winston/Busch) to cell phones and insurance (Sprint/Nationwide). Good god, just writing that made me feel less manly.

- Gopher cam? shoot me please.

so i guess the verdict is still WAY out for the new season. come see me after 3 or 4 more races.

Women voters

Just wanted to expand on something mentioned in a comment. Namely why women would be stupid enough to vote for Hillary. There's plenty of reasons not to vote for her.

- not looking forward to 4 years of Bill. Cuz you know he isn't going to just shut up and host dinners.
- You're black and you're afraid your friends will find out you didn't vote for Obama and come for you in the middle of the night.
- You fell for her bullshit and voted her into office in New York and you regret it.

then we have reasons people will vote for her.

- You hate black people and you'll be damned if you do anything that would lead to one running the country.
- you want to be in her good graces because you know that when a Clinton hands out political favors, pardons, and no-bid contracts for supporting the military in a military conflict in a country that is no threat to the United States *cough*Bosnia*cough* the media doesn't give a shit and will never look into it or accuse you of being a war-profiteer.
- two words: heavy drinking
- hoping it will get you laid to show how much you care about chicks. if this is you, please for the love of god just go pay for an escort. or get really fucked up and bang a girl you know you wouldn't bang unless you were drunk.
- have those stitches from the lobotomy healed yet?

and the reason why 95% of the women who vote for her are voting for her.....

- you've been convinced that as a woman, you are OBLIGATED to vote for ANY woman who runs for office because your feminist overlords have made it clear that any woman not voting for Hillary is a traitor to her gender. even if the woman is incapable of telling the truth, is power-hungry at a level that James Bond villains couldn't even imagine, and hasn't actually accomplished anything since she first set foot in DC.

this strategy will only work on white women. why? because black women would rather be black than a woman. simple as that. ain't going to work on ANY men because given the choice they'd all rather be sexist than racist. sorry to say but as a voter that's the choice you face. if you don't vote for Hillary, you hate women. if you don't vote for Obama, you hate black people. So what's it going to be?

and no, i don't think you're either whichever way you vote, but that's what the media will present it as.

Ending robbery

i love anime. it's better animation than anything America will ever put out and the stories are far better too. My all-time favorite is Macross Plus. My top 3 is:

1 - Macross Plus
2 - Cowboy Bebop
3 - Neon Genesis Evangelion

but there is something about anime that bugs me. endings. the Japanese really don't seem to know the meaning of the word "closure" do they? it's either that or they get bored making it REALLY easy.

macross plus closed up pretty good. guld and isamu work it out, sharon is destroyed, and it seems myung and isamu will end up together.... but they never really spell it out.

cowboy bebop. looks like spike kicks the bucket, edward is gone, jet and faye seem to be left alone and missing spike. or do they? spike is a pretty resilient guy, i think it's not out of the question he survives. right? guess we'll never know.

evangelion..... now this one i felt just plain ROBBED. i'm not alone. i remember my best friend chris saying that andy, one of the guys we went to school with, got violently upset at how it ended. i'm not MAD, i'm just disappointed. the show went from GREAT to FUCKING WEIRD fast. such a shame.

am i alone here? does anyone else feel a bit cheated?

voting

I read on another blog someone remarking that voting time is coming up and that we should all get out and vote no matter who we support because that's what defines us as Americans.....etc.... you get the point. i respect that opinion, kinda. i do think our voting right is vastly important, but voting just to vote or just so you can say "i voted so i matter as an American" or even worse trying to pull the "if you don't vote you can't complain" card. to quote Chris Rock, "you can steer a car with your feet if you want to, that don't make it a good fucking idea!!!" the lesson is, just because you CAN doesn't mean SHOULD. sometimes not doing it means more than doing it. right now, i think our choices as voters suck. look at who we got to choose from.

- McCain. a wanna-be republican. for me, it isn't that he "isn't conservative enough" it's that he tries to play that he works with the Dems when the reality is, he folds faster than Superman on laundry day. "working with" means you give AND receive.

- Huckabee. a former minister. pardon the pun but, GOD no. we do NOT need a really religious person running the show. i mean, holy shit, that's why we're in the middle east. because really religious people are running the show and it's gotten out of fucking control. can't we at least TRY an atheist president?

- Hillary. Insanity, plain and simple. this woman will do or say whatever she has to in order to get this job. she doesn't even hide it. i mean, JUST how gullible are you if you actually trust her? too gullible to be allowed to vote in my opinion. look, i may not agree with ANY of their policies but when it comes down to her and Obama, i believe Obama is doing it to try and make a difference. with her, i know she just wants the power. we've been forced to listen to 7 years of bitching about how power-mongering Bush and Cheney are.... so the solution is electing THIS????

- Obama. the guy doesn't have the experience. this could help him. my brother says "he just isn't jaded enough yet for Washington". right now he's basically running on "i'm something different" and "i promise change" and "i'm black" and "i'm not Hillary". that last one might just net him some conservative votes eager to stick it to McCain.

so let's look at the reality of the situation. nothing is going to change. nothing big anyways. doesn't really matter who gets elected. look, when you vote, the only message you're sending is "you said what you had to and spent what you had to, here's a vote. congrats." oh sure you might wanna say "i'm an american and this is my right." but they won't hear it as that.

lemme put it this way. the owner of the NY Knicks. he pretty much does whatever the hell he wants. the fact that he hasn't fired Isiah is proof he couldn't give a fuck what the peons of New York think. why? because there's still people showing up for games. maybe they show up to boo, maybe they show up because they still love the team and feel they shouldn't suffer due to poor management, maybe they show up to watch the other team.... all worthless. all the owner understands is that tickets are being bought, money is coming in, and therefore why should he care WHY.

same thing with politicians. votes cast only translate to 1 of 2 things to them.

1 - i said the right things.
2 - i said the wrong things.

if the country was serious about change, they'd stop rewarding lies with votes. and yet, here we are.

Back

At the personal request of my best friend Roger, who got me into the sport, i'm going to give NASCAR another chance.

So here we go, let's see how the season unfolds.

Airplane

scenes from one of the top 10 funniest movies ever.


Golly!




Why the hell aren't i notified about these things!?!

Spaceships

Link to

Great Spaceship Sacrifices.

with video.

this is good stuff. personally i think the Pegasus from Battlestar Galactica is the best. Simply because the whole episode was just plain fucking awesome. I mean, you're watching and you're thinking, "oh man how the hell are they getting out of this one?" and then Lee shows up and starts whooping Cylon ass. This was the same episode that had the Galactica entering the planet's atmosphere, launching fighters, and then hyperjumping a few hundred feet off the ground in a fit of TV badassery.


UPDATE: here you go. both scenes. god this was an awesome episode.

Clarify

Got a message from an old friend. Well, not old, just someone i haven't heard from in a while. She invites me to join her "former Hendrick haters who still love Dale Jr" support group. I had to chuckle. It got me to thinking though, there's probably a lot of sports fans out there who wouldn't quite get that or understand just how much pain Dale Jr fans are experiencing right now. So let me try and explain.

Suspend a bit of reality for a minute and try and picture this scenario:

suppose 2 major "unthinkable" events happened in Baseball. no, not Barry admitting to the steroids. suppose for some reason, the NY Mets just went and left town. They had enough of playing second fiddle to the Yankees and they found new stomping grounds elsewhere. Doesn't really matter where. Now imagine at the same time, the entire Boston Red Sox organization has a falling out with the city of Boston (the leaders, not the fans). Tempers flare, threats are leveled, and in a moment that changes fan's lives, the Boston Red Sox move to New York. Yeah yeah i know, the circumstances have to be outrageous and the legal things etc.... but bear with me.

so now picture yourself a Red Sox fan. what do you do? You still love your team. You believe them when they said they had to do what was best for them. You know they didn't do it to piss on you, the fan. What now? As a Red Sox fan it's always been your obligation to hate all things NY. It's in your blood. It's a requirement for being a Sox fan. Now YOUR team is putting up their feet in front of a fireplace in enemy territory. Your whole world has become conflicted.

So back to reality. Now that you picture that, i think you're ready to get a feel for what Jr fans are going thru. The torment of loyalty clashing with hatred. We still wish all the best for Jr, but as an "Earnhardt" fan we can't just "purge" the automatic hatred we feel for Gordon-Hendrick. We all cheered and hoped against hope for Jr to bring a championship back to DEI. we were waiting for SOME kind of happy memory to fill that void when Dale Sr left. it never came. instead we sat thru 7 seasons of disappointment only to have it all come to a head and have our whole fan-world come crashing down thanks to a business arrangement gone wrong. I think it would be easier to accept if it was a trade or something, but a BUSINESS decision?

I still wish nothing but the best for Dale Jr. He's a class act and a great driver.

100 things about women

this is an old post. i originally broke it up into 5 or 6 posts, but i think it works better as one giant one.

i found this on maxim.com
100 things guys need to know about women. time to add jimmy comments to it to spice it up.
100 list in italics, my comments in bold.


100. Girls enjoy always having something kind of wrong, like a headache or cramping or something. Remember: No matter how bad it sounds, she’s going to outlive you.

yeah, that's cuz they use underhanded tactics like playing sick in order to suck the life out of us.

99. Most women will not have sex for the first time with a guy unless their legs are shaved. If your date shows up and you spot stubble, she’s trying to keep herself in line.

if i can SPOT stubble then that shit must be thick as hell. which means she skipped more than a couple days.

98. No matter how much she reassures you, if you can’t get a hard-on she assumes you’re not attracted to her.

then maybe she needs to use her mouth for something other than "reassurance" to get things going.

97. Beware of your girlfriend's single party friend or gay bud. They want her to be single with them and will encourage any bad behavior as often as possible.

this is where preemptive strikes come into play.

96. Jewelry. Now you always know what to get her for a last-minute gift.

great, last-minute gift ideas that are never cheap.

95. The sight of you in your socks and underwear is the biggest turnoff in the world.

oh yeah, and gals wearing plain old white underwear and granny panties isn't?

94. Never trust a girl who has no girlfriends. She doesn’t get along with other women because she’s either bat-shit crazy or just plain mean.

plus it means she's got nobody to hang with giving you time to yourself or time with your boys. trust me on this one, being able to send her off with her friends will keep you both more happy.

93. Girls who say, “I love sports!” are lying. Girls who ask you what time the game is on, without specifying which game they’re talking about, are not.

eh..... i don't buy this one. my last 2 girlfriends both loved NASCAR. and specifying a game might mean they track more than one team/league/sport.

92. A random hookup is more likely to result in pregnancy, because a woman has more sex when she’s most fertile.

nice to know. so fellas, make sure you wrap it if you're banging a chick who's cheating on her boyfriend/husband. i know i did.

91. She still has all the love letters and cards from her past boyfriends.

aw how sweet. i guarantee they and I don't have a damn thing she sent.

90. Just started dating? Women want you to drive, even if it’s their car.

hey great. like i needed permission. unless it's in the shop i'm the one driving anyway and unless i trust you completely you ain't touching my baby. (the list of people i've let drive my car is VERY short)


89. A girl would prefer to get a $100 gift from Tiffany & Co. than a $500 gift from Fortunoff. Why? Because her friends will ask where she got it.

sorry but i have no clue what those places are. cheaper gift good.

88. “If I give you my number on Friday, Tuesday and Wednesday are your best bets to score a date. Monday is too desperate, Thursday is too late.”—Claire, 27

and never is "go fuck yourself honey, i don't jump thru hoops for any dame."

87. Your female coworkers are obsessed with the fact that on average they receive less pay than male counterparts—and the fact that they work less overtime and get pregnant is irrelevant to the discussion.

naturally. because facts and common sense just can't be used to argue with a woman. we accept it.

86. Laying a towel down over the wet spot is like putting your jacket over a mud puddle for her, you noble bastard.

fine whatever. just shut up already.

85. A recent study revealed that natural blondes could be extinct in 200 years, so unless she’s Norwegian, her towhead might be bottled.

a recent survey of a supermarket shows that bleach and hair-coloring are still sold and show no signs of going extinct. recent trends indicate women continue to be shallow and vain where their appearance in concerned. so long story short, who gives a fuck?

84. Sixteen percent of American men have been with a prostitute—scientific proof most women are decent in bed.

wrong. reality check will tell you that 90%-95% of men have. because while you may not pay in cash, you're going to pay. don't bullshit yourself guys, you're going to pay one way or another to get sex. the question is, do you want to pay in the form of time/money spent on dates..... time spent "getting to know her"..... etc..... on the CHANCE she might give it up. or just cut to the chase and get some guaranteed sex?

83. Women always want to believe what you’re saying is true.

HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! no wait.... let me catch my breath. *whew* HA HA HA HA!!!!!!

82. What do women really want in bed? More blankets. They get colder than men.

gotcha.

81. The threesome is not about you; it’s about the two girls. If you’re lucky enough to score one with your girlfriend, enjoy sex with the other one because there’s a good chance it’ll end the relationship.

relationships come and go, but a visit to the threefold kingdom is magical and wonderful. trust me, nothing can take that away from you.

80. If women have an excuse to take a pill, they’ll take it.

ok..... that was random.....


79. Never trust the woman who gives you the best blow job you’ve ever had.

translation: she didn't get mad skillz working the mic from the fruit and vegetable section. 37?

78. “I hate when my boyfriend is sweaty and tries to lie down on top of me or cuddle after I’ve come. Wait five minutes.”—Erin, 21

i'm calling bullshit on this one. back me up on this one guys, when we're done the deed our asses are asleep. sorry Erin, your boyfriend is a real closet case.

77. The average woman kisses 79 men before getting married.

in a row?

76. She hates your Xbox more than she lets on. Blow her off for some gaming and she’ll soon stop wasting time on a dork like you.

i hate her arts and crafts more than i complain about. keep it up and i'll blow you off for some gaming.

75. Women who are obsessed with their dogs also like to keep their men on a short leash.

yet another reason i'm a cat person.

74. “Girls who buy their men lap dances and pretend to enjoy it are kidding themselves. They’re trying to keep him happy with some controlled freedom.”—Suzy, 31

they're also gullible as fucking hell. you think YOU'RE the only one buying his lap dances? you think he only goes to the strip club with YOU? silly girl.

73. Over the course of her life, a woman will use 10 men for every one she loves. If you lent her your car or helped her move and didn't get laid, you're one of the 10.

suckers. ah who am i kidding, i've been played like a fucking piano more than once or twice without a payoff for my troubles. i really wanted to tap those asses too. damn you hormones!!!!

72. During emergencies, women are likely to remain calmer than men. Though it should be noted that inventing minor crises on a weekly basis gives them more practice.

have you ever BEEN in an emergency??

71. “Women grow hairs in a lot of the same places that men do—lower abdomen, nipples—we just get rid of them.”—Katie, 26

that's just gross. i'm not ashamed to admit i'm pretty shallow when it comes to hair. i see it on her lip or anywhere besides the top of her head or downstairs (even then it better be short supply down there) and i'm gone. call me whatever you like.

70. Unless they’re lesbians, she won’t approve of your hanging out with other girls. Even if they’re ugly. And, really, even if they’re lesbians.

and really she's insecure and will probably push her man into banging as many of them as he can just for pissing him off.


69. If you have something to hide, she’ll find it.

the hell she will. you'll never be privy to all our secrets ladies. get over it. it's ok that we don't share every fuckin aspect of our lives with you.

68. Eighty-five: The number of males per 100 females in Gary, Indiana, lowest male-to-female ratio of any city with a population of 100,000-plus. The highest male-to-female ratio is in Salinas, California: 114 males for every 100 females.

ITT Tech in San Antonio: 10 females for every 100 males. of those, 4 are bangable.

67. Kiss her before two dates have gone by or you’ll be “friended.”

bang her before 3 dates or you'll be whipped as a puppy when she finally gives it up.

66. They can't live without tension. Every once in a while she's gonna pick a fight with you for no reason. Accept this as a running, inevitable theme and your relationship will make a lot more sense.

gentlemen pay attention: this will happen ONLY IF YOU LET IT!!!! fuck her and her drama. if she picks a fight and you know she's just doing it to fight, then you counter by throwing everything you possibly can at her. she's launching an attack and expecting you to roll over so she can placate her fucking female ego. you respond with the wrath of god. then when it's all done and the smoke clears, you pick a random fight with her as soon as it's done. fight back guys or she'll always have your balls in her purse.

65. The most painless way to end an argument: Let her win.

then return to the ocean like the spineless jellyfish you've become you pansy. fight back and be a man.

64. An online dating service’s survey found that a woman’s ideal man has brown hair and blue eyes.

how nice for them.

63. In the U.S., 21 percent of women ages 18 to 59 hold out for their honeymoon.

in the U.S., 21 percent of women are fucking lairs. or are convinced oral doesn't count.

62. A British study claims a woman’s chances of getting married drop by 40 percent for every 16-point rise in her IQ. The same increase in IQ for a man boosted his chances of getting married by 35 percent.

that makes no sense. how the hell do you even measure something like that?

61. When a woman tells you her problems, she does not want you to offer solutions.

when a man offers you solutions, he does not want to hear your problems.

60. Women often cite manhandling of breasts as the biggest foreplay faux pas.

too bad. those things are neat. c'mon ladies we don't ask much, just let us pet the kittens and we're all right.


59. “When I’m drunk, I can’t come. Not even with a vibrator.”—Lauren, 35

that ain't our problem. we're going to get ours. sorry honey.

58. If they're going to do it, most wives cheat between the ages of 18 and 29.

hmmm.... yup, yup, yup and yup. i agree.

57. Most women think they’re better drivers than they are. Don’t point this out while she’s at the wheel or she’ll freak and crash.

how comforting.

56. Women ingest about half the lipstick they apply, which means they eat approximately one to three sticks per year.

ewwwww....

54. A woman might say she just wants sex, but sleep with her for a while and she’ll change her tune. “I’ve known so many women who think they can pull this off, but they always develop feelings for the guy,” says Evie, 22.

suckers.

53. According to the American Association of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery, Angelina Jolie’s lips were the most requested celebrity feature among all female patients in 2004.

the most requested among guys as well.

52. Despite always complimenting another woman’s short haircut, she secretly celebrates having one less competitor, since men prefer long hair.

agreed. funny thing is, the 2 girls i was most in love with both had really short hair when we first hooked up. i gotta stay away from short haired chicks.

51. Don’t call her “cute.” In her mind it’s the same as “not vomit-inducing.” “Sexy,” OK. “Hot,” yes. “Fucking awesome,” only if she’s at least slightly buzzed.

geez, sorry miss sensitive.

50. Women often buy shoes a size or two small because they’re in denial about the size of their feet—which they can’t stand.

cry me a freaking river.


49. They dream of one day peeing in a urinal.

ain't happening, sorry gals.

48. Women know where they stand looks-wise but worry about being considered cool, about which they’re unsure.

welcome to fragile-self-image-ville.... population.... all the women on the planet.

47. According to the U.S. Bureau of Statistics, 23 percent of 18- to 34-year-old women live with their parents, versus 31 percent of you losers.

ok let's get something straight. a fact that chicks don't like to acknowledge. careers at this point are still an OPTION for women. with a few exceptions you all always have the option of getting married and living off a guy for the rest of your life. don't get me wrong, my best friends wives are stay at home moms and i love them both like sisters, i'm not saying it's a bad thing. i'm just saying that it's fucked up that society makes no judgements on women who either live with their parents or are married and stay home versus a guy who lives with his parents.

46. Women want to talk dirty, but they’re afraid you won’t respect them in the morning. Reassure her that letting go in bed doesn’t make her less classy and she’ll probably go wild. Jäger helps.

well of COURSE i'll still respect you after you call me daddy and tell me to spank you like the filthy girl you are..... *snicker*

45. Twenty-three percent of this magazine’s readers are women.

great gals all of them.

44. A psycho jealous girl will do anything to keep her man—including anal.

god bless those girls too.

41. If she suddenly cuts her hair short, it might mean she no longer cares what you think of her. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about someone else’s opinion.

and you girls wonder why guys are so apathetic about what the hell you wear or your hair and shit.

40. About half of all brides will lose a good friend over a ridiculous bridesmaid squabble.

pathetic.

39. It never hurts to say you're sorry, even if you don't mean it.

it hurts even less to not say anything.

38. Let her beat you at something once in a while—poker, chess, Ping-Pong—and she’ll be more likely to give you what you want, like some peace and quiet.

so once again we're supposed to accept being bullied into flushing our pride down the john. yeah i'm going to go with FUCK THAT.

37. Women’s public bathrooms are about three times more disgusting than men’s.

there's a reason why..... keep reading.....

36. “At one point or another, I’ve gone through your things looking for any evidence from past relationships. I’m talking photographs, postcards, mementos, address books, diaries. If you don’t like it, get rid of this stuff before letting me in your apartment. It’s not about trust; it’s about curiosity, and it drives us crazy till it’s been satiated.”—Caroline, 28

so once again your crazy bat-shit behavior is all MY fault. nice.

35. Like you, girls hate nothing more than a clingy partner who needs them every eight seconds.

then don't date closet gay men.

34. Chick rock strikes a deeply primal chord inside women while simultaneously revolting men. Just sit back and let her sing the Sarah McLachlan or Ani DiFranco song. It’s only about four minutes long.

or give her some fucking headphones. fuck your music.

33. The average woman owns eight bras and wears each one five times before washing. Shasta!

are you trying to gross us out? we're GUYS. we do shit like turning our underwear inside-out to get another day's use out of them.

32. Girls will not sit on any toilet outside their own home or a five-star hotel. Everywhere else they’re hovering above the toilet in a squat.

does #37 make sense now?

31. Got a new girl coming over? Your (tidy) bathroom should include clean linen, a box of Puffs Plus, and several full rolls of TP.

puffs plus? should we get some tampons too?

30. “Don’t caress our faces while we’re kissing, unless you really, really, really like us.”—Rachel, 21

uh, ok.


29. On a first date, women never order what they really want to eat.

just eat what you order then. we honestly care more about that than how MUCH you eat.

28. Breast augmentation surgery has grown by 257 percent since 1997. The most popular size? C-cup. As if you didn’t know.

didn't know, don't care. real or fake make shit difference to me and to most guys so don't try and pull that "we're doing it for YOU" shit.

27. Gain her trust when you’re out by calling her at 10 P.M. She’ll go to bed content you’re thinking of her, even if you’re slurping Jell-O shots off some skank’s cleavage.

yeah right. how stupid do you think we are?

26. Put down the Drakkar and grab a box of Good & Plenty. Women are turned on by the scent of black licorice.

look honey, i rubbed CANDY all over myself!!!! giggity giggity giggity!!!!

25. At least one of her friends wants to sleep with you.

point her out and we'll make that lucky gal's dreams come true. bow chicka bow wow!!!!

24. A good but flawed man is a fixer-upper gem, and women love nothing more than home improvements.

and on the off chance you aren't that flawed, she'll find something to change in you. if you let her.

23. Every woman is self-conscious about her ass. Tell her you love her ass and you’ll see it more often.

does spanking it a lot work?

22. If you want more sex, tell your girl an attractive woman hit on you that day. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.

failing that, break out the sex panther. i gotta tell ya, that smells like pure gasoline.

21. More than half of surveyed females between 18 and 25 would prefer to be run over by a truck than be fat.

the other half broke the truck and ended up fat.

20. All women think they’re smarter than their partners in some significant way.

hee hee. silly girls.

19. The more piercings she has, the more places she’ll let you put it.

so according to this list, find a girl who's scared stiff of losing you and with tons of piercings and you're on the road to back-door-loving.

18. Once in a while, let her pick the movie and don't complain about it.

nah.

17. Any good woman will tell ya, honesty is not always the best policy.

till she catches you in a lie. then suddenly she can't trust you.... blah blah blah.....

16. Chicks aren’t afraid to get kinky; you just have to have the nerve to ask.

but remember, like Chris Rock says, your woman will do any nasty dirty skanky thing you want but you gotta come correct. none of this, "eh eh eh excuse me..... eh eh.... i have a request... eh eh eh.... would you eh... lick my balls?" otherwise you get, "WHAT!?!? lick your own damn balls!!" so guys make sure you ask proper.

15. Girls don’t want to date doormats. So make her proud and refuse to give up bowling night with the guys.

so she can stay home eat ice cream and cry waiting for you while she sets up a few charges of emotional C4 that she'll detonate the second you get home. lose-lose fellas.

14. Don't take a woman to a concert you really want to see—she'll just want to leave early.

translate to jimmy-talk: ditch the bitch.

13. “Women appreciate a big penis, but having one doesn’t give you an excuse to suck at foreplay.”—Elena, 28

yeah? well guys love big tits, but having them doesn't give you an excuse to not give head.

12. Studies show women are more attracted to “macho” guys near ovulation. The rest of the month, they’re drawn to “good providers,” otherwise known as chumps.

so just leave it in "macho mode" take what you can get while she's ovulating, and the rest of the time you get to keep your fucking dignity.

11. She likes one of your friends.

if he's my friend then you don't have a chance in hell honey. if he isn't, he's a dead man. plain and simple. bros before hoes.

10. Ugly girls like to hang out with pretty girls because it makes them feel like they're more attractive. Pretty girls hang out with ugly girls for the same reason.

you're all the same when the lights go out.

9. The minute she decides she’s even mildly interested in you, she starts making mental pictures of what your kids would look like and imagining her first name with your last.

gee, why are guys so afraid of commitment?

8. Sixty percent of women in the United States color their hair, according to L’Oréal (who are obviously hoping they can peer-pressure the other 40 percent).

popular color? i'm betting blonde.

7. Dated a stripper? Keep your mouth shut, stupid.

duh.

6. Rub a sheet of medium-grade sandpaper across your face. That’s your five o’clock shadow when you kiss her. Now rub that sandpaper on your inner thigh. (Mind you, we’re not suggesting you shave.)

we know, we just like giving you something legit to bitch about once in a while.

5. Female serial killers tend to use poison rather than guns or knives.

comforting.

4. Foghat’s “Slow Ride” is not about a trip in the car. Get the hint?

Nine Inch Nail's "Closer" isn't about a trip to the zoo. get the hint?

3. The one breakup line she’ll never be able to argue you out of: “I’m sorry, but I no longer have feelings for you.”

yeah right.

2. Buying a present for your girl? She’ll hate it (and you) if she finds out you took along another woman to help pick it out.

excuuuuuse us for asking for advice from someone who might know what to get you.

1. You'll probably never know how many guys she's slept with. The standard lie is five. Which really means about 12.

once again, we don't care. as long as we're the only ones you're sleeping with NOW.

Greatest tantrums

5 greatest gamer tempers.

The Warcraft one is the best, hands down. The Quake one is nice though.

Picture story

this is....

(a) very creative
(b) confusing as all hell
(c) awesome
(d) FUCKED UP
(e) all of the above


i pick "e"

Firearms

Saw this online. I like it.


FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE

'Those who hammer their guns into plows

will plow for those who do not.'

~ Thomas Jefferson


1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.

2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.

3. Colt: The original point and click interface.

4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.

5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?

6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.

7. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.

8. If you don't know your rights, you don't have any.

9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.

10. The United States Constitution (c)1791. All Rights Reserved.

11. What part of 'shall not be infringed' do you not understand?

12. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.

13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.

14. Guns only have two enemies; rust and politicians.

15. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.

16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.

17. 911: Government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.

18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.

19. Criminals love gun control; it makes their jobs safer.

20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.

21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.

22. You have only the rights you are willing to fight for.

23. Enforce the gun control laws we ALREADY have; don't make more.

24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.

25. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.

Easy

Doucheville, USA. known as Berkeley, CA to the rest of you has decided to give the Marines the boot.

I got an easy solution to this problem. Pull the city's federal funding. All of it. They think they can do without the U.S. government then let's see the smug fucks do without the handouts.


UPDATE: Sen DeMint.... i salute you.

Funny

ladies and gentlemen i present the funniest musical number in movie history. EVER. EEEEVVVVEEERRRRR.

RIP Bobby Fischer

The chess world mourns a great loss.

Bobby Fischer died at 64.

While i am saddened at the loss of a great chess player, I'm not that sorry that this guy is dead. He turned into a total nutjob.

Help

help me out here. i'm no lawyer, but last time i checked, this kind of thing happening is rape.

Real Life

i thought i'd plug something.

Greg Dean has launched a new book.

For those of you who don't know, Greg is the creator of a webcomic called Reallifecomic. He bases most of his stories on his life, hence the name. I've followed his work for quite a while and it's my favorite right up there with Penny Arcade. Anyway, about his new book. It's a notes book on his comic. It will get you up to speed on his comic.

Peace

Who's ready to laugh?

Check this out and commence.

How some retard like Kuchinich got a smoking hot wife like her....



is beyond me.

Still, if we're going to elect based on the potential for first lady hotness.... Fred is the man. You can't tell me this gal for first lady isn't the coolest thought.



pics via here.

overquoted movies

tonight's "tales of jackassery" we take you to a blog post by someone who decided he was going to tell us the 10 most obnoxiously overquoted movies.

ok, so here's my problems with the list.

1 - he didn't stay with 10. i mean jesus, his list had at #7 "anything with samuel l jackson". HUH? congrats retard, you just expanded the list from 10 to about 100. #4 was "the austin powers series". that's 3 you idiot. if the list is 10 then stay with 10.

2 - he didn't really take social crowds into consideration. maybe all HIS nimrod friends quote Napoleon Dynamite, but i'm afraid quoting it around my friends will get you a funny look and an ass-kicking.

3 - no history in context. monty python was the only movie older than 10 years. this jackass never heard "show me the money!!"???? i wanna poke people's eyes out when i hear that quoted and i've never even seen the movie (long story, i'll explain sometime why). maybe it's just some 10 year old kid blogging. come to think of it, given his amazing math skills, maybe he IS 10.

4 - the ancorman rant. he goes on some long-ass spiel about Will Farrell and when it comes time to list quotes.... half of them are Steve Carell lines. consistency there spanky. how about some consistency.


so anyways, just to show it isn't just all negative here in Rantville i'm going to help out by giving my own list. a list of movies that are fun to quote and people will never stop. unlike dumbass, i'm not going to set a number only to go over it by 100. so here's a list.

Movies We Love to Quote and Probably Won't Stop Any Time Soon

- anything by Mel Brooks. you can't go wrong quoting Mel movies. the man is a comedy god.
"hey where are the white women at?"
"we're not just doing this for money.....we're doing it for a SHITLOAD of money!!!"
"what in the wide wide world of sports is a going on here?!?!"

- the Naked Gun series. the 3rd one didn't quite live up to the hilarity of the other 2, but it was still great, and i like being able to see OJ on the TV and not say "oh god what has he done NOW?"
"nice beaver."
"Hey look! it's Enrico Pallazzo!!!"
"just think, the next time i shoot someone, i could be arrested."
"i've been swimming in raw sewage. i love it!"

- Monty Python and the Holy Grail. screw him, this movie never gets old. EVER.
"let's not bicker and argue about who killed who"
"have at you!!"
"she turned me into a newt!!"

- anything Arnold did prior to Twins. that isn't to say he hasn't done good movies since then, but after that he just never had quite the same.... i dunno. it just wasn't the same.
"crush your enemy, see him driven before you, and hear the lamentation of the women!!"
"go ahead bennett, let off some steam."
"you remember when i said i'd kill you last? i lied."
"i'll be back"
"Killian, here's your Subzero, now plain zero!!"


random tangent...... i was on imdb checking out Conan the Barbarian. check out the trivia section. this is cool.

- Conan's response to the Mongol General is an abbreviation of a real quote attributed to Gengis Khan: "The greatest pleasure is to vanquish your enemies and chase them before you, to rob them of their wealth and see those dear to them bathed in tears, to ride their horses and clasp to your bosom their wives and daughters."
- Arnold Schwarzenegger had to tone down his workout, as his arm/chest muscles were so big that he couldn't wield a sword properly.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sandahl Bergman did their own stunts, as suitable body doubles couldn't be found.
- The life of Conan oddly mirrors that of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Conan's formative years are spent in a small village, then spent in hard manual labor as a slave. Then Conan gains fame and wealth through his physical prowess. Although at first given to wine and women, he eventually abandons his hedonism and uses his skills for acts of heroism. Eventually, Conan becomes a king. In real life, Schwarzenegger was born in a small Austrian village and spent his life bodybuilding. He then becomes famous and wealthy through bodybuilding competitions and action/adventure movies. Schwarzenegger engaged in drug use and womanizing in his past, but gave those up later in life and then campaigned for social causes. Eventually, he was elected Governor of California.

50 things

menshealth.com has done a "50 things men wish women knew" list. i give the mayor jimmy treatment. my comments are in italics.


1. Express yourself. It makes us proud, even if someone thinks you're wrong.

yes yes dear god yes. this isn't the 50s. women can speak their minds. please do. i fucking hate when chicks sit there and let the conversation pass them by.

2. You look hot in running shoes and shorts. And that top thingy with the stripes.

oh yes. throw in the glistening sweat on your body and BAM!!!!

3. Bare, tan shoulders are underrated.

uh...ok? why tan?

4. If you think I’m speeding now, you should see me drive when you're not in the car.

fuck that. she gets my full throttle driving every damn time. that was the very first thing that sealed it that Kristin (K2) and i had a future together, my driving didn't scare her. not even when we were driving back from Chris's wedding and i raced some dude from the Maryland State line into Baltimore at 130 MPH.

5. If you're truly interested in us, don't play hard to get.

plain and simple, just don't play hard to get PERIOD. that shit is fucking annoying. yes ha ha very funny you like to feel needed. that shit will backfire on you honey. i promise. like when he fucks some other girl who doesn't play games and just gives up the ass.

6. Shopping is a chore, not an activity.

meh... that depends on what we shop FOR. i like shopping for electronics.

7. When I screw up, go ahead and tell me--once.

key word, once. then please just shut your pie hole.

8. No question need ever be asked through a closed bathroom door if I'm inside. I love you less with each syllable you utter.

can't a man take a shit in peace? this is why we fart in public. we're conditioning you to avoid us in bowel movement situations. we take our dumps seriously. grant us this peace.

9. I'm hot for you, not your sister or your friend or your coworker.

and if i am i will never tell you. ever. no matter how often you ask. and we aren't falling for that "you can say it i won't be mad" line. nice try.

10. My guy friends. Not only are they not negotiable, they’re your best sign that I’m not a whack job.

bros before hoes

11. Don't be afraid to ditch the makeup. Natural is sexier.

true. Kristen (K1) pretty much never wore makeup and she always looked great. it also makes it that much better when a girl does wear makeup if she isn't always wearing it.

12. Leave the eyebrows alone. Plucked ain't pretty.

unless you're sporting a unibrow.

13. You can have sex with us any time you want. Seriously.

no really. ANY time. i've had sex while watching a NASCAR race. ah Jennifer, she was a nice gal.

14. When the game is on, we will pay attention to you if you're nice about it. Bark, and we shut down.

add to the experience, don't try and detract. that's the key. cheer with us, be elsewhere, or just shut the fuck up. don't sit and bug us or ask a TON of questions DURING the game.

15. I don't ask for directions because I’m just happy to be driving. Anywhere.

and cuz i'm a man. geez haven't you ever listened to a stand-up comedian?

16. Masturbation is merely practice for the big game. Encourage it.

gotta disagree BIG time here. if i have a girlfriend i don't need to do it. and i'm happy to not have to need to.

17. We crave hugs and hand-holding too. And no, it doesn't always have to lead to sex.

but if it does..... GIGGITY!!!

18. But you can have sex with us any time you want. Did we mention that?

ANY time. Kristin (K2) and i once had sex in her closet while i was helping her pack to move in with me. that kind of spontaneous sexual outburst is awesome.

19. There's no better sound in the world than you, having an orgasm.

yeah. i've always said that 75% of the enjoyment of sex for guys (well, for ME at least) is the response we get from her. the moaning, the clawing, the squirming around, the yelling.... it's ALL good.

20. Though the exhaust note of a Porsche Boxster is pretty damn fine, too.

or if you don't like the eurotrash, A Vette or Viper. sweet.

21. I just may lie to make you feel good. Don’t be angry about this. You really weren't looking for the truth anyway.

YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!!!

22. When you get angry over some stupid little pointless thing, I question your intelligence.

and the more you do it, the easier it gets to just tune you out. sooner or later we're going to tunr you out no matter what you bitch about, even important things.

23. You’re really bad at faking it.

if i'm not doing something right then fucking tell me. unless of course you're going to tell me "make your cock grow bigger", then we're both out of luck.

24. If I offer my help while you're getting ready, it means you’re late.

it's either that or i start bugging you. pick your poison or get ready faster.

25. Never ask me to pick out your outfit. (See above.) I will invariably get it wrong and make us even more late.

i'm supposed to believe you don't know how to dress yourself? gimmie a fucking break.

26. Giving me two or three choices, however, can be fun. Assuming you will change outfits in front of me. Slowly.

of course, then we're going to be REALLY late.

27. Err on the side of hot; I love to show you off.

there's nothing wrong with that is there?

28. Unless we're meeting my parents.

i trust her to be smart enough not to get whored up to meet her boyfriend's parents.

29. When you call us at work "just to chat," we're not really listening; we're checking our e-mail.

bottom line, have a point to the call or don't.

30. Spring means baseball and skirts. Doesn't need to be a mini-skirt; it's been a long winter.

well, skirts anyway.

31. Chicks who drink beer are hot. Better yet: chicks who drink beer and watch the game. Better still: chicks who buy us a beer during the game.

shit, you do that and you're pretty much guaranteed to get that ring a HELL of a lot faster.

32. We don't mind being told we look good. Just don't call it a "cute outfit."

got an outfit you like us in? tell us.

33. We love ponytails.

second only to pigtails.

34. Being good in bed means a) enthusiasm; b) a sense of humor; and sometimes c) patience.

i dunno bout all that. maybe this guy isn't too sure of himself. enthusiasm isn't bad. i'd say the biggest key is communication. verbal or body language.

35. The first time? We're as nervous as you are.

i was more like "HOLY SHIT, I'M HAVING SEX!!!!!!" than anything. i'll never forget the next day at school. i might as well have hung a sign around my neck that said "i got laid". chris and cody both figured it out within like 15 seconds.

36. A random unexpected grope is always welcome, even in public. Especially in public.

hell yeah. touch me baby.

37. Make us laugh and we'll want to hang around.

cannot be overstated enough. boring girls SUCK.

38. Yes, I laugh really loud around the guys. And I always will, so deal.

so there

39. Sure, men stereotypically like to solve a woman's problems. But a woman who solves her own while we watch? Instant erection.

i'm not sure if he's suggesting she pleasure herself in front of us. or just literally solve her own problem instead of bugging us. either one is cool with me.

40. You can pick the movie, but have a reason.

oh no. fuck no. i'm not watching a chick flik. period. you have girls-nite-out for that shit.

41. Do not expect to have a conversation via text message unless you use the words "naked" and "waiting."

or like calling at work, have a point.

42. Sometimes we wonder why any woman would want to be with us, much less someone as amazing as you. So, thanks.

it's true. seriously, what the hell did you ever see in me? kristen? carrie? yolanda? kristin?

43. Anytime you cook for us, we're happy.

especially if it's meat.

44. If you can hit a golf ball 150 yards, we just might fall in love.

maybe this guy. not me. if you can drive a car at 150 MPH, then i'm in love.

45. No, I don't remember what he said next. Or she. Or anybody, for that matter. I'm a guy, not a tape recorder.

so STOP ASKING

46. We love you even more because you know we need to go out with the guys once in a while.

hint-fucking-hint

47. And we love it when you hang with us guys, too.

on occasion. don't push it.

48. We have a keen sense of imminent danger. It sounds like, "Do you think she's pretty?"

we got a bunch of sound clips that go off.
- admiral ackbar "it's a trap!!"
- captain picard "RED ALERT!!"
- that robot from lost in space "danger will robinson!!"

49. Don't rely on us for keeping you up on the news.

we're useless like that.

50. Never say, "I know you better than you know yourself." Nobody does.

unless you WANT me to say "the fuck you do honey."


and there's another list given the jimmy treatment.