No democracy thank god

Some moron thought it would be neat to show 10 things Americans could have if this were truly a democracy and everything were decided on popular vote.

All i can say is thank god this isn't a democracy. check this list out.

10 - Marijuana Decriminalization. this one i can agree with. if people wanna kill themselves the very least the government can do is tax the hell out of it. I'm a drinker and smoker and i ain't quitting. I suggest we add prostitution to this one. Selling is legal.... fucking is legal.... why isn't selling fucking legal?

9 - Universal Health Care. ah yes, let's turn all health care aspects into government-run organizations. you gotta be shitting me. Do any of these nimrods REALLY want the same people who run the DMV and Post Office running the HOSPITALS!?!?! We'd also see the end of medical developments. 9999 out of 10000 times a government number cruncher will make sure you can just "live with" whatever you have rather than spend the money to find a cure.

8 - Stricter Campaign Finance Laws. this one is an insanely easy fix. just stop giving political contributions. just don't do it. if politicians had to earn the money you give them and be accountable then this wouldn't be a problem.

7 - Equal aid to Palestinians and Israelis. I'm not really going to comment on this one because frankly i think there's no good solution to this. at all. there's no way to make anyone happy. I'll admit i don't have a clue on what to do.

6 - Reducing Military Spending. ha ha ha ha ha....*pause for breath*... ha ha ha ha ha!!!! oh that's good. and of course all the people trying to kill Americans will just MAGICALLY go away right? i had no idea we could just wish our problems away.

5 - Increased Social Spending. I'm calling bullshit on this one. if this was polled to something people WANT then they clearly didn't understand what was being asked. there's no way i believe that if you asked someone "would you like to pay more taxes from your hard earned money to give it to people who are lazy and want handouts?" actually maybe they just asked poor and lower class people what they wanted. they sure as hell didn't ask the rich people (you know, the ones who pay all the taxes) if they want to give it to even MORE bums.

4 - Acceptance of Kyoto Protocol. nice try Al Gore, shouldn't you be out looking for man-bear-pig?

3 - A Diplomatic Solution with Iran. can i buy some pot from this guy? he has GOT to be smoking the craziest shit ever grown. diplomatic solution? how in the fucking HELL do you solve things diplomatically with a country who wants you dead? not for anything we did, just because we're Americans. wow, this is some serious denial.

2 - Pulling Troops out of Iraq. I've given up caring about this. whatever happens, things are only going to get worse. troops pull out, Iran and Syria move in, another 9-11 happens, and instead of acknowledging that maybe we should have tried finishing the job they'll just blame Bush. it's going to happen. watch.

1 - The Impeachment of George W Bush. this is a joke. people's hatred of Bush has reached a level where i just don't believe anything anyone says about him anymore. people so easily accept the worst about him that it's pathetic. Bush could throw himself in front of a bullet meant for a infant black girl and people would rather believe he fired the bullet, hates kids, hates women, and hates black people. that's how retarded people have become.

Medical science

Using stem cells to suck out the fat and turn it into larger boobs.

Truly this is a great medical breakthru.

7 things rebuttle

Cinematical has a list on 7 reasons summer movies have become dumber.

there are a couple good points, but mostly it's an exercise in total jackassery and a retard-o-rama. go ahead and read them and come back.

here's a my rebuttal on them.

1 - this problem goes away when jerkoff movie critics, and hollywood snobs uncork their heads from their asses and realize that a special effects bonanza film can be as good if not better a film than some boring-ass oscar movie. lemme put it this way, when was the last time you watched a porno for the plot and acting? did you finish and say "well, the plot was terrible and the acting was awful, i just didn't like it." hell no. you know why? cuz nobody watches porn for the plot or the acting, they watch for the visual effects. i don't care about why the girl doesn't have cash to pay for the pizza, i just wanna see giant hooters bouncing around while a total babe moans like a banshee. comprende? this applies to summer popcorn flicks. a movie loaded with awesome special effects doesn't have to have a super plot or Shakespeare acting to be a great movie. The original Star Wars was crap for plot and acting, and yet it remains one of the greatest works of cinema ever. so get off your high horse morons.

2 - Tons of marketing? oh my god it's like..... it's like..... it's almost like they want people to come see the movie. HOLY SHIT!!!! those sneaky bastards, how dare they market the fuck out of a movie in an attempt to get you to go see it. It's like the marketing people are doing some manner of job they are hired to do.

3 - I can agree with this. the whole "it's the #1 movie in America!!!" thing is only worth something if they can say it's been #1 for longer than 2 weeks. THEN I'm impressed. oh and the "it's the #1 comedy/drama movie in America" thing is fucking sad. if you aren't #1, then please don't bother.

4 - this could be cleared up if the oscars become something worth taking seriously. but they remain a total fucking joke hence we're stuck with chick flicks and snore-ville towards the end of the year.

5 - yeah, I'm sure that Lucas is chomping at the bit to put out another movie for nitpicky assholes to complain about.

6 - little bit of a reality check for everyone complaining of nothing "original" coming out of hollywood...... 99.99999% of the good ideas are all taken. there's pretty much nothing new to do anymore. it's all just remakes of TV shows or adaptations of a book from now on. you'll just have to accept that fresh ideas are a rare thing now. fucking deal with it.

7 - the only people not helping are the douchbags who come up with shitty film reviews trying to show off all they learned in their english and drama classes they took in community college.


so bottom line is that this guy is just another crybaby little girl who thinks every film released all thru the year has to be an oscar contender and a fresh new idea. so pitiful.

Do as they say not as they do

The hypocrite schmucks putting on Live Aid all seriously need a boot upside their freaking heads. Oh sure they talk a big game. Too bad the talking they're doing is only making things worse.

Oh and the best part? they just buy their guilt away. it's like burning down a building to speak out against arson and then donating a fire truck to clean your conscience and say you have "balanced things out" then you go off and have a circle jerk with all your friends and talk about how you're changing the world.

Wrong number but it's cool

Amusing little story here.

Apparently some student at UCLA was given a recycled phone number. The previous user? Paris Hilton. So she started getting calls and texts asking about parties and other things. When Paris was going to go to jail there were calls and texts of people lending support and love.

I wonder if this kind of thing happens often. Non-famous people getting the number of famous people. Imagine if you got the number of a famous person and by coincidence you both had the same first name. creepy eh?

The Math of Love

Conan O'Brian once again showing why his show is funnier than Letterman and Leno will EVER be.

Kwik-E-Mart

As part of promotions for the upcoming Simpsons movie, some 7-11 stores are being turned into kwik-e-marts. complete with merchandise.

Those stores and most of the 6,000-plus other 7-Elevens in North America will sell items that until now existed only on television: Buzz Cola, KrustyO's cereal and Squishees, the slushy drink knockoff of Slurpees.

i'm seriously thinking of driving up to one in Dallas and asking where they keep the Burns-O's.

Happy 50th Dad

Today my old man is 50 years old. let's all point and laugh at the old guy. time sure flies. i can't help but think in a blink i'll find myself nearing 50. yikes.

Tokyo Dance Trooper

I gotta move to Japan. I need to see crazy shit like this for myself.

Disgusting

This story is simply sickening.

Here's the original story.

Long story short, a cop tells a guy to get up from a face-down, arms spread position and when the guy does he shoots him.

Here's the video of it.

Of course you would think the cop is going to do time for that right? How could he shoot a guy for complying with the orders he was yelling at him and clearly posed no danger?

Think again.

The jury deliberated less than four hours Thursday before acquitting Webb of illegally shooting Elio Carrion.

California legal system folks.

Personally i hope this cop gets gunned down in the street. He deserves nothing less. He's nothing short of a gangbanger that had his homies watch his back while he got away with some fucked up crimes.

On behalf of the US Air Force, go fuck yourself San Bernardino.

countdown is on

48 hours and i'll be getting in line to go see Transformers. Josh and I scored tickets to the 8PM showing Monday night.

I'm giddy as a schoolgirl. giddy i tells ya.

Jimmy Update

Quick update on my situation.

- i have graduated from ITT. with honors even. yay. just so nobody reading this makes the same mistake, don't ever fucking attend ITT. ever. it sucks so fucking much. trust me.

- working part time.

that's about it. i'd like to go back overseas and work, but i'm not sure there's anything over there in the computer field with my limited experience. once i get some certifications and time under my belt i should be able to make a serious go at getting over there.

Money followup

A few posts back i linked to this list showing 22 myths about money. I wanted to list some of them and give my own talk about each. Cuz that's how i roll.


Myth #1: “Money is the root of all evil.”

NO. money is a tool. a means to an end. it's just something we use to get by. its scarcity and difficulty to acquire are what make PEOPLE do evil things. if air and water were hard to come by then we'd be saying that they were the root of evil and all these anti-rich people would be talking about the people with more air and water than them. We'd be listening to how President Bush conspired to attack planet Druidia and steal their air. bottom line: the lack of or the pursuit of money are what causes evil things, not the money.


Myth #2: “If my parents were rich, I would have made it.”

define 'made it'. you mean you'd be a jobless spoiled brat cruising around spending daddy's money and laughing at the poor people? sure having loaded parents puts you in a good position to succeed since you have more options available, but in the end it's up to YOU to get off your ass and 'make' something of yourself. not your parents.


Myth #3: “Rich people are greedy.”

so apparently the only point to becoming rich is to give it all away. if you honestly believe this then lemme clue you into something. you have to want more to get more. greed is not limited to wealthy people. in fact, the less you have the MORE greedy you're probably going to be. i'm sure that rich people like to keep all their nice stuff, but i'm willing to bet they'd care far less about losing stuff than some poor slob who has almost nothing to lose. that poor person will FIGHT to get and keep what little he can. greed is entirely a point of view issue anyways. hey if we wanna get technical, chicks are greedy when it comes to sex right? how dare they hoard the boobies and keep them from the needy.


Myth #4: “Money isn’t important.”

reality check. it is. it may not being the MOST important thing, but it sure as hell is important.


Myth #5: “If only government, my employers, family, or spouse helped me, I would have made loads of money.”

get the fuck off your ass and go earn a living. this is the kind of thinking that puts democrats in charge and promotes a welfare state. you make your own breaks in life pal, nobody ESPECIALLY not the government should have to help you out. help is nice have, but screw you if you think it's required to be successful.


Myth #6: “Money can’t buy happiness and money won’t make you happy.”

HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! look at me, i'm making people happy, in a gumdrop house on lollipop laaaane..... money CAN buy happiness and if you have money and are still unhappy then you probably don't deserve it. send it this way and i'll show you just how much happiness i can buy with it. i'll drive buy your house in my happiness with a smoking hot happiness setting next to me and wave to you so you can see all the happy i can buy.


Myth #7: “If I were rich, my friends would resent me.”

then you have pathetic shitty friends. go buy new ones. any REAL friend is only ever happy for his friend's successes in life. i'm proud as hell of Roger and Chris in all they've done with themselves.


Myth #8: “If the economy was better, I’d be wealthy.”

news flash: the economy always has some rich and a lot of not-rich. everyone falling into the latter thinks this is true. some are right only because a different economy might make different businesses and companies better. but then that would mean someone else is not rich and bemoaning their lot in life.


Myth #9: “You need a scam to get rich.”

no, you need to be smart and work hard. dumbass.


Myth #10: “If I really try to become rich and fail, I’ll be crushed.”

good news, if you don't try then you won't be crushed. then again you'll NEVER be rich, but you won't be crushed. if you have tried and failed and want to stop trying then that's cool. i'm behind you and won't hassle you for that. because that's how i handle my love life. tried and failed several times, i'm done trying.


Myth #11: “You need a break to become wealthy.”

this is just too vague. define 'break'


Myth #12: “I’ll save money when I have enough.”

well if you have enough why would you need to save it? saving is about planning and thinking ahead. sacrifice now for gains in the future.


Myth #13: “If I had large sum of money, I would have started saving and investing early.”

the sooner you start, the less you need. it's called interest, look into it.


Myth #14: “Having a good job leads to wealth.”

i guess this depends on what you consider a 'good' job. it's not so much how you make the money as it is how you use it once you have it. there's lots of people out there with good jobs making lots of money that are barely getting by because they're stupid.


Myth #15: “Money corrupts people.”

what a bunch of shit. no it doesn't. money is like alcohol, in greater quantities it brings the truth of a person closer to the surface. there's plenty of evil backstabbing poor bastards out there as there are rich ones, the poor ones just don't have the means to show it and can't effect as many people as a rich one can.


Myth #16: “If I didn’t have family or social responsibilities, I would have made millions.”

so far this is the one that comes the closest to being true. i only say that because i know firsthand the advantages of not having to worry about taking care of anyone but myself.


Myth #17: “It’s better to give than to receive.”

maybe in a Christmas special it is.


Myth #18: “Money doesn’t grow on trees.”

ok, so we finally found one that IS true. but i don't know i'd count this as a myth.


Myth #19: “Rich people don’t care about the poor.”

how the fuck are they supposed to 'care'?? look, just cuz someone isn't throwing money at charities doesn't mean they don't care. people do for others in their own way. me personally i believe that charity starts at home. i don't give to anything. not to charities, not to telethons, and sure as fucking hell not bums on the street. i help my friends and family. i buy a round of drinks for Josh, pick up a magazine for the parents, stuff like that. frankly i think if more people did THAT instead of pissing away money total strangers we wouldn't need as many charities.


Myth #20: “I have to work very hard to become rich.”

one of my bosses in the air force always used to say "we don't work hard, the army works hard, we work smart." working hard is good and all, but it's by no means the only way to get rich.


Myth #21: “It takes money to make money.”

yeah kinda. how much it takes just depends on how you use it.


Myth #22: “I’m a loser and a failure because I’m in such terrible financial trouble. My situation is hopeless.”

pity party!!! pity party!!!!

Airlines

Awesome.

Story

this is too good NOT to share.

my dad told us this one. thursday he says that one of his safety reps had something to report to him. one of the airmen was injured.

you ready for this?

he was masturbating and he did it so hard he BROKE his DICK. he got 3 days of convalescent leave.

i swear to you i'm not making this up.

I won

I entered into the weekly caption contest for Cinematical. The one for the Evan Almighty pic. I won. Mine is #2

let's see if i can win this week.

Guitar

If i played guitar, i'd play it on THIS

Proof

Now i've got Science to back me on what i already knew. Sorry Jackie and Josh.

Bunny vs Cat

Probably not how this cat wanted the fight to wind up.

Money Myths

22 myths on money.

update on this coming.

Water temp light

From the "god damn that's pretty fucking cool" category.

Water faucet that shines a colored light that changes the color of your water based on the temperature of it.

Backlogs

Michelle Malkin has a grand idea for the yahoos in Washington. Before letting a few million broke lawbreakers to stick around just so you can try and get the votes they'll never cast....

Clear the damn backlogs first

What a shocking suggestion!!! How about we take care of the immigrants that are trying to come in LEGALLY. I know it seems like a radical idea.... but hey, what the hell it's worth a shot right?

Adam West

Easily one of the best characters on Family Guy. Comedy gold.

Speak up

I'm sorry movie industry....

you were saying something about Piracy Killing your profits? i didn't hear you over the sound of your 8% expansion of revenue to $42.6 billion.

Movie industry i wish you'd do us a big favor and shut your big YAPPER!!! To quote the late Matt Foley. Now back to my van down by the river.

Video Game Bonding

Nice little story on how playing a WW2 shooter game brought a father and son closer.

I can tell you from personal experience that video games have on occation brought me and my father closer. The biggest such example is from the game "Burgertime" back on the old Intellevision system. think back to the 80s...... whoa......

Dad and I used to compete fiercely against each other. We'd post our new high score on the fridge seemingly each night. It was a lot of fun.

Everyone in the media seems hellbent on demonizing video games as addictive family and life destroyers when in fact they can be bonding experiences unlike any other. Some of the best times i can remember are from video game playing with friends/family.

- Roger and I played Halo and pretty much every other xbox game under the sun when we were roommates. We even got Chris in on a season of Madden. Great times.

- Josh and I play Need For Speed and other Xbox 360 games. I couldn't imagine a better time 2 brothers could be having.

- Massive Multiplayer Online Games. Talking World of Warcraft with Evan and Jason is a ton of fun. Not to mention some of the people i've met in-game who are fun people to interact with.

- Back in the day my whole family used to compete in Gameboy Tetris. Nobody could touch my leet skillz but hey, god bless them for trying right?

The point is that when you talk about the addictive nature of gaming you have to remember that it's a vice, no different than any other. Some people get hooked on drugs, some on drinking, some on religion, some on TV...... any of those to the point of where they tune out everyone around them. it's all about how you use those vices and if you are abusing them or letting them run our life in a healthy or UNhealthy manner.

Nifong Resigns

Nifong, AKA The Douchbag who ruined the lives of college guys simply to get reelected is resigning. He says reguardless of the trial outcome.

Translation: PLEASE DON'T DISBAR ME!!!!!

This man should never be allowed to practice law again. Ever. He should be horsewhipped on national TV.

Airport nightmare

Story of a mother and the sippy cup at the airport security.

I have to laugh at stories like this. The more stories i read the harder i laugh. Is airport security out of their fucking minds? Hell yes they are. Is it their fault? Hell no. It's our fault. Why? Because we don't want to look like racists and bigots. This whole security thing could be going a lot easier if we were to put airport security into "common sense" mode instead of the current "fucking panic" mode it's in. We all wonder why they frisk 80 year old white grandmothers when it's clearly a waste of everyone's time. Because if we were frisking only the people who are LIKELY to be bringing shit onboard..... we'd be hearing nonstop about how evil we are for singling out Arabs. Sooner or later we need to just say "fuck their hurt feelings, this is getting out of control."

the reason why

Listen up you privacy jackasses. When the government asks for data i know the initial reaction by most of the morons out there is "oh my god the government is spying on us man!!!!" I hate to break it you, but you really aren't important enough to waste time on.

In case you didn't know, the government does a LOT and it does it with inadequate resources. Always. Every year they have to do even more with even less. When you read about government blowing money, most of the time (not always) it's just someone trying to spend the entire budget they are alloted. You see, in the world of government finance, being thrifty is NOT rewarded, it is punished. You spend 8 bucks instead of the 10 you're given? Nobody says "good job smith, way to save money, here's this year's 10 bucks again." no instead they say "only 8? guess that's all you need, here's the 8 you'll need next year." never mind that you might need 10 next year. so to make sure you have 10 you have to spend 10. even then it's a roll of the fucking dice.

So why in god's name would the government waste precious resources spying on some punk-ass teenage moron who thinks he and his friends are so fucking cool because they talk shit about America. NEWS FLASH: they don't. they ask for the data to find people like this.

Sex offenders arrested

MySpace helped the government and the government used the data to find criminals who prey on children. they didn't use it to find evidence to haul off whatever nimrods worship Green Day or Michael Moore's online love slave robots.

Greatest

This is the most awesome news I've read in YEARS

Hilarity

Article headline: Did Apple lie to Mac gamers?

only if they told them they were NOT sad pathetic excuses for gamers living in denial with a giant Mac rod up their asses.

I mean seriously. Check this out.

During the announcement, Bing Gordon, an executive from EA, came onstage and touted a number of EA games that would be coming to the Mac platform this summer:

• Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
• Need for Speed Carbon
• Battlefield 2142
• Command and Conquer 3: Tiberium Wars

And later this year EA will ship:

• Madden NFL 08
• Tiger Woods PGA Tour 08

Holy crap C&C 3 finally? just a few months behind. Now when you play online, no more playing against casual gamers. you get to play they people who worship the game and already know how to pwn your sorry newb asses in 10 seconds. enjoy.

China

And you thought you were at a party that was a sausage fest?

Current Chinese law states that children are only allowed take the surname from either their mother or father, but the lack of variety means there are now 93 million people in China with the family name Wang.


so now when you're at a party that's got no chicks, you just say "man this place has more wangs than a chinese phone book!!!!"

shitty parents

An open letter to a couple shitty parents.


worth the read. forward the link to everyone who is a parent. MAKE them read it.

these 2 people described in the letter should be sterilized.

Confused

Well according to ESPN.com looks like Dale Jr is headed to Hendrick racing next year.

Once again..... i'm so glad i left this sport.

I mean cuz if i were still watching and a fan, my head would have exploded. Seriously. What are all you Jr fans going to do? 90% of you HATE Gordon and Hendrick racing almost to the point of where it's encoded in your DNA and is handed down to your children. Does this mean you have to root for Hendrick? Is Gordon and Johnson, his soon to be TEAMMATES not the anti-christ anymore? On the superspeedways you all root for Jeff and Jimmie to crash, but now they might be in a position to help your driver.

I envy you not Jr nation.

Hottest

top 100 hottest babes....according to lesbians.

ya gotta love it.

Best of Conan

Said it before and I'll say it again, Conan O'Brien is the funniest man on TV.

Still not sorry

Came across this little gem on ESPN.com


Kurt Busch docked 100 points and fined $100,000 for actions during weekend race. The EXACT same punishment handed to Earnhardt Jr. What did these men do to earn such wrath??

Jr - wrong part on car.
Busch - ran into Tony Stewart who was parked IN his pit box nearly RUNNING OVER tire changer in the process who avoided it by jumping over Tony's car like it was the General Lee.

wow. that sounds fair doesn't it? NASCAR sure has proven me wrong when i said the severity and fairness in which they dole out punishment is a fucking joke. oh no wait THEY DIDN'T!!!! they just proved me right and made me even MORE satisfied with my decision to give the sport the finger and walk away.

thanks NASCAR

Russia returns

he may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is NOT a porn star!!

Happy days

I'd just like to pass along the happy annoucement of a birth.

Seth Ariel ("Annointed Lion of God") Badeaux. 9.5 pounds. Healthy, happy.

Congrats go out to the exhausted father Chris and soon-to-be exhausted mom Bridget.

Cavs tickets

Dear god... $14,999!?!?!?!?!

i wouldn't pay that much to PLAY in the NBA finals.

Getting paid

SI.com has listed the top 50 highest paid athletes.


this is based on earnings/winnings and endorsements. quite a list they have there and Tiger is top once again. note, the only reason you don't see Beckham is because this is American athletes. I think there are a few interesting things to notice about the list.

- one woman. Michelle Wie. it's KINDA surprising, but not really. i mean, if it was going to be just one woman i knew it would be her.

- over half the list is NBA players. all that money and the league still stinks.

- 2 of the top 3 are golfers. personally i think that's just fucking nuts. then again, i think golf is one of the biggest wastes of time EVER.

Pulse Rifle

How to build your own Pulse Rifle from the movie "Aliens"


this is so badass, the pulse rifle is one of the most bitching looking movie weapons ever.

Fans

See now this is story you'd only see happening outside America. Long and short of it, Denmark and Sweden are playing a world cup qualifying match, Ref awards penalty show to Sweden, Danish fan attack ref, game is called and Denmark is forced to forfeit.

You won't find this kind of thing happening in this country for a few reasons.

1 - we aren't that insane. we paint our bodies, we hold up bad signs, we get tattoos, and we even force our kids to humiliate themselves on TV. but that's pretty much the extent of where our sports fever lies. we can't hold a candle to the rest of the world in their passion for soccer. you'll never see and NBA crowd throwing flares onto the court during a game. You won't ever read about an NFL QB getting shot in the street for throwing a game-costing interception in a big game. things like that just don't happen. is this a bad thing? no not really. it's only bad when we pretend we're as passionate or more than the rest of the world. let's not kid ourselves.

2 - our leagues/owners/sponsors/corporate-types don't have the fucking balls to do something like this. in an age where anyone can sue anyone for anything, forcing a forfeit due to fan interference is just BEGGING for the courts to step in.

3 - European soccer leagues hold the clubs responsible for their fans actions. when the fan shit gores down, the leagues do stuff like tell the clubs "your next game, you aren't allowed to have anyone attend. you're playing for an empty stadium". teams feel the financial pinch from letting fans act like assholes. now here in America when fans like the piss-ant scumbag sore losers in Utah start throwing stuff at the opposing players and THEIR WIVES, then something needs to happen. what i vote happens is the "play to no crowd" thing. and then the team just recoups their financial loses by charging double for tickets until they get that money back. AND they print on the tickets "you want to complain about ticket prices? blame the bastards who couldn't act right".

so anyways, i think it's funny when i read about fans in Europe going nuts. i admire their loyalty and zeal.

Simpsons songs

A complete list of all the songs sung in the Simpsons. Also a list of original songs from the show. Like the Monorail song.....

The ring came off my pudding can!! Use my pen knife my good man!!!

God i miss that show when it was funny.

nod to Robbie for finding the link.

spam

Just when i thought spammers couldn't be bigger douchebags. check this gem out......

for the love of god don't click on any of the links in the letter, i just want to show you what they moved on from the nigerian scam to.

Sgt.James Clayton(Iraq)

Salami azia 1,p.o.box 654

Military Hosptial Iraq

Baghdad

Compliment,

I hope my email meets you well. My name is Sgt .James Clayton jr(American soldier). I am in the Engineering military unit here in Baghdad in Iraq , with Oesophageal cancer which has defiled all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few weeks to live, according to medical experts. My late 2 colleagues who died last week in a bomb blast and I found a huge sum of $25 Million USD in Baghdad neighbourhood ( http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/2988455.stm) that we have successfully moved out of the country via online bank transfer to a secure security and online finance institution in Spain . I am contacting you because i want you help me distribute them to charity organizations and homeless people.

I feel distributing the funds would be a way to appease the LORD and also want God to be merciful to me and my late friends and also accept our souls ,because we have killed so many in the war, but we where only serving our country. I have decided to give this sum 0f $25 Million USD to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth.

I am single, as my family died in a car accident years ago, and i vowed on my son and wife grave never to get married, so then i joined the force. I guess it is time for me to go join my family as i see my beautiful wife and my son in my dreams.

I will want you to help me collect this funds and dispatched it to charity organizations like i have said earlier. I have set aside 25% for you and your time.5% for any expenses during the process of you getting the $25 Million USD.The most important thing is that can I TRUST you Once the funds get to you?, and also would you distribute the rest 70% to charity organizations?. Your own duty is to contact the SECURITY AND FINANCE on how the funds can be released and transfer to you,as the funds were insured by me for security measures. If you are interested I will furnish you with more details,so you are to send me all your full informations such as telephone,mobile,fax,country,occupation e.t.c.

But the whole process is simple and we must keep a low profile at all times because if the authorities are aware of this funds, it would be seized and used for purchasing ammunitions and irrelevant accessories, whereby we have so many sick, homeless kids dying with hunger.

I am awaiting your urgent response on my private email address, jamesclayton247@mixmail.com

IN GOD WE TRUST!!!!
Regards.

SGT .JAMES CLAYTON

free at last

Finally done with all my classes at ITT. Thank god. if only i could reach 2 years into the past and tell myself to avoid that fucking place like the plague.

I don't really feel like getting into the "why" of it right now, but i will. If for no other reason than to have something written down for future reference.

Anyways, now comes the task of landing full time work. I got a good job in the field right now but unless they bump my hours up i can't afford to stay.

Swear Jar

This commercial is AWESOME

Keanu doesn't suck

Someone decided to tell us why.

Personally i like Keanu Reeves and his work. I liked the Matrix trilogy and Devil's Advocate was an awesome movie.

#6 on this list was the best one.

Spammer caught

One of the top 10 spammers in the world has been arrested.

shoot him. fuck his trial, fuck his due process, fuck his appeals. Drag this cocksucker into a town square, shoot him in his kneecaps, let him crawl around in pain for a while, then put a bullet in his head.

Movie Punches

I like this list.

Top 10 Movie Punches

not just cuz it's a cool list, but cuz it's a list i can agree with.

Miss Universe

I read the story about Miss USA slipping and falling during the pagent and getting booed by the Mexicans. Some are concerned the whole ordeal might give people a bad impression of Mexicans. Gee, i wonder what would give people a bad impression of such a clean, prosperous country like Mexico?

My only question is, "of all the damn countries how the hell did they choose MEXICO to have this in?"

Microsoft Surface

This is pretty damn cool. Touch screen seems to be the way of the future. I know i can't wait till it's a widespread technology in certain video games. Like real-time strategy games such as Command and Conquer.

equal god

I caught a news snippit on TV reguarding the issue should people be allowed to swear on a Koran instead of a Bible before taking the stand in court?

this is one of those "it is a big deal, but it SHOULDN'T be" type of issues.

it is a big deal because we're talking about religious freedom one of the issues our country was founded on. the issue by its very nature brings about big crowds. any time the government even remotely looks like they're telling you how to worship it's a huge deal, and for the most part rightly so.

it shouldn't be a big deal simply because christians should just get the hell (pardon the pun) over themselves and accept the fact not everyone chants at the same invisible man in the sky that they do. deal with it. only the most ignorant and self-rightous of bible-beaters would have an objection to someone saying they'd rather swear on another book or none at all.

which begs the question "who gives a damn WHAT you swear on?". i mean, if someone is going to commit perjury on the stand you think they're going to keep from doing it because of a freaking BOOK? you think they're going to say something to themselves like"well, i was going to lie and not spend 10 years getting cornholed in jail, but then again i did swear on a bible. i might upset god or something. i guess i better tell the truth and go to jail." if someone is going to lie in court it won't matter if they swore on the Bible, the Koran, or the operating instructions to their dishwasher.

my life

so here i am at work. booooooring. but i digress. i'm getting paid to be bored so that's not half bad.

actually, my life in general has been on the "blah" level for a while. i suppose it can't always have something going on, but still it, kinda depressing to think about your life and have the word "boring" come to mind. then again, i really have nobody but myself to blame for that.

lemme think of something interesting to write about.

No Mac

Came across this.

7 reasons i don't use a mac

i'm with him on #2

2) The culture is just plain irritating and unattractive

i can't stand the holier-than-thou mac people with giant broomsticks up their asses. the way they talk down to the rest of us is irritating as fucking hell.

i could probably turn his list into a full top ten.

#8 - i'm a gamer. there's more games out for your CELL PHONE than there are for the Mac. all you fellow gamers know what i'm talkin bout. holy crap you can play WoW? good for you. it only took you like a year or two.

#9 - those "i'm a Mac i'm a PC" commercials. reality check there Apple, commercials in which you DIRECTLY attack your competition are nothing less than giant signs that say "i'm not #1 and it pisses me off!!! why don't you like me?". you might as well be a 4 year old in a supermarket throwing a tantrum for attention. it's pathetic. if you ever wise up to this fact, tell Miller Beer attacking Budweiser makes them just as pathetic.

#10 - I'm not an artist. these are the only people who have a genuine need for a Mac.

Back for a while

Wow, i haven't posted in so long, Google took over while i was gone.

I'm in a new job with a lot of free time on my hands so i'll be posting a little more regularly i guess.

PETA

7 things you outta know about PETA.

See this is why i should never run this country. people from PETA, ELF, and all those other wackos would just start disappearing off the face of this earth. No trials, no juries, nothing. They'd all just wake up naked and cold in a jungle or floating on an iceberg.

Birthday facts

i thought this was pretty cool. type in your birthday and find out some interesting facts.

here's my info:

29 March 1976

Your date of conception was on or about 7 July 1975 which was a Monday.

You were born on a Monday
under the astrological sign Aries.
Your Life path number is 1.

Life Path Compatibility:
You are most compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 1, 5 & 7.
You should get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 3 & 9.
You may or may not get along well with those with the Life Path number 8.
You are least compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 2, 4, 6, 11 & 22.

The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2442866.5.
The golden number for 1976 is 1.
The epact number for 1976 is -1.
The year 1976 was a leap year.

Your birthday falls into the Chinese year beginning 1/31/1976 and ending 2/17/1977.
You were born in the Chinese year of the Dragon.

Your Native American Zodiac sign is Hawk; your plant is Dandelion.

You were born in the Egyptian month of Paony, the second month of the season of Shomu (Harvest).

Your date of birth on the Hebrew calendar is 27 AdarII 5736.
Or if you were born after sundown then the date is 28 AdarII 5736.

The Mayan Calendar long count date of your birthday is 12.18.2.13.2 which is
12 baktun 18 katun 2 tun 13 uinal 2 kin

The Hijra (Islamic Calendar) date of your birth is Monday, 28 Rabi'u'l-Avval 1396 (1396-3-28).

The date of Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 18 April 1976.
The date of Orthodox Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 25 April 1976.
The date of Ash Wednesday (the first day of Lent) on your birth year was Wednesday 3 March 1976.
The date of Whitsun (Pentecost Sunday) in the year of your birth was Sunday 6 June 1976.
The date of Whisuntide in the year of your birth was Sunday 13 June 1976.
The date of Rosh Hashanah in the year of your birth was Saturday, 25 September 1976.
The date of Passover in the year of your birth was Thursday, 15 April 1976.
The date of Mardi Gras on your birth year was Tuesday 2 March 1976.

As of 1/28/2007 2:33:26 AM EST
You are 30 years old.
You are 370 months old.
You are 1,609 weeks old.
You are 11,262 days old.
You are 270,290 hours old.
You are 16,217,433 minutes old.
You are 973,046,006 seconds old.

Celebrities who share your birthday:

Hideaki Takizawa (1982)	Jennifer Capriati (1976)	Lucy Lawless (1968)
Elle Macpherson (1964)	Bud Cort (1950)	John Major (1943)
Pearl Bailey (1918)	Sam Walton (1918)	Philip Ahn (1905)
Cy Young (1867)	John Tyler (1790)

Top songs of 1976

Tonight's the Night by Rod Stewart	Silly Love Songs by Wings
Don't Go Breaking My Heart by Elton John & Kiki Dee	Disco Lady by Johnnie Taylor
Play The Funky Music by Wild Cherry	December, 1963 (Oh What a Night) by Four Seasons
50 Ways to Leave Your Lover by Paul Simon	Kiss and Say Goodbye by Manhattans
If You Leave Me Now by Chicago	Love Hangover by Diana Ross

Your age is the equivalent of a dog that is 4.40782778864971 years old. (You're still chasing cats!)

There are 60 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 31 candles.

Those 31 candles produce 31 BTUs,
or 7,812 calories of heat (that's only 7.8120 food Calories!) .
You can boil 3.54 US ounces of water with that many candles.

In 1976 there were approximately 3.1 million births in the US.
In 1976 the US population was approximately 203,302,031 people, 57.4 persons per square mile.
In 1976 in the US there were approximately 2,152,662 marriages (10.1%) and 1,036,000 divorces (4.9%)
In 1976 in the US there were approximately 1,921,000 deaths (9.5 per 1000)
In the US a new person is born approximately every 8 seconds.
In the US one person dies approximately every 12 seconds.

In 1976 the population of Australia was approximately 14,110,107.
In 1976 there were approximately 227,810 births in Australia.
In 1976 in Australia there were approximately 109,973 marriages and 63,230 divorces.
In 1976 in Australia there were approximately 112,662 deaths.


Your birthstone is Aquamarine

The Mystical properties of Aquamarine

Aquamarine is often used to experience love and mercy. It is said to help ease depression and grief.

Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)

Jade, Rock Crystal, Bloodstone

Your birth tree is
Hazelnut Tree, the Extraordinary Charming, undemanding, very understanding, knows how to make an impression, active fighter for social cause, popular, moody and capricious lover, honest and tolerant partner, precise sense of judgement.

random thoughts

- dear god thank you for Da Bears winning. i was not about to stomach 2 weeks of bullshit new orleans stories. you know, the ones that forget to mention how the U.S. taxpayer is footing $150 million towards rebuilding the superdome. you know, the big building that everyone left in new orleans can't even afford to go to. ah yes, and the lack of reports on how the crime rates in certain areas of Houston and here in san antonio have gone up.

- i'd have rather seen the Pats win, but i got no big beef with Peyton and the Colts winning. my morbid curiosity wants the bears to win just to see how brutal it gets with the Peyton choke coverage.

- if it was possible to have placed a bet directly after the colts-pats game of "shannon sharpe uses whatever talk time he's given to bring up the fact that there's 2 black head coaches in the superbowl" i'd have bet everything i could possibly have bet to include my life and i'd be a rich fucking man right now. robbie knows, he heard me call it.

- was it just me or did careerbuilders.com show an ad during the game that advertised an upcoming ad? has tv advertising now reached a wacky new level? guess so.

- i was just thinking that it's been almost a full decade since 2 people came into my life. Roger, my best friend who i consider a brother; and Carrie, the woman i'll always love more than any other. i've learned so much from them both. roger got me into sports and chevys and showed me that there are people crazy enough to tolerate me and my wacky antics. i dunno how i would've made it thru some of the shit in my life without his support. carrie showed me that true love does in fact exist and that there is someone out there who is made for you. i only wish that just because you exist to love someone that you would end up with them. sometimes life is a real fucking joke.

Da Bears

Thanks Robbie for sending this story.

Woman induces labor so husband can watch the Bears game today.


you can keep your sappy flowers and candy and all that other stereotypical horseshit stories of love. THIS my friends is true love.

images

sorry i haven't posted in a while. to make up for it, here's a nice image bonanza. i was surfing around and found a bunch of different pics online.

first we have a cool pic. see, this is why black cats rule.

this one i don't know if it's cute or creepy.

ah to be a cat and make gravity my bitch

i like this. we need to see more signs like this.

When Selma gives a press conference, the male reporters have to record it on audio tape and listen later. cuz they sure as shit ain't paying attention WHILE she talks.

and finally a little something for the kids.

notes on we are marshall

I don't much care for any movie that is "based on or inspired by a true story". because when i find out what the "true" story is, I'm always left with a bad taste in mouth no matter how good the movie is. I understand why the changes have to be made and I comprehend the idea that some things just don't translate well onto the big screen. i know. this is why the book is always better than the movie.

That all said, i really enjoyed the movie. I thought it was a great movie and also a good sports movie. it didn't feel forced like "Remember the Titans" which was also a good movie, but only because of the great cast. The only thing i didn't like was how there wasn't a strong enough presence of people who represented the "tragedy happened but I'm going to move on with my life" camp. i thought we focused entirely too much on the "roll over and die instead of live my life" camp.

So anyway the changes. I'm only going to list the few i know of.

- the crash. it wasn't the finding of the play book that identified the crash. it was a personal effect that a firefighter recognized. i guess we changed it to remind people "football movie too"

- father/girlfriend. the grieving father and the cheerleader girlfriend were composite characters. they represented an amalgam of different stories. makes sense. the film didn't have time to focus on everyone who lost someone. still, i couldn't help but be annoyed at the characters. i mean seriously, i really had to keep from yelling at the father "dude, either you get on with your life and live it or just do us all a favor and dig a hole next to your wife and son and just lay down inside!!!" i know that sounds insensitive and mean, but he was actively bringing everyone down with him by hindering their efforts to move on with THEIR lives and he had no right no matter how great his pain.

- the chant. "We are Marshall!!!!" didn't start getting used until the 90s. i can certainly understand changing this. effect and all.

- recruiting. Marshall football almost canceled even before the crash. the Mid-Atlantic conference kicked Marshall out of the conference because in 69 there were allegedly 144 recruiting violations. so basically the only part they got right in the movie was the fact that the only weapon they had was the ability to offer freshmen a chance to play right off the bat. do i never have to say why this wasn't brought up in the movie?

- WVU. funny story. i watched the movie with my brother josh and our parents. during the recruiting scene where WVU kept snapping up all the players i leaned over to them all and said "oh great, and i have to walk out of this theater with my WVU hat on looking like a total bastard." The movie did get Bowden right. he really did help the out as much as possible and they really did wear stickers on their helmets. I kinda thought they should have thrown in a line of dialog from Bowden with him saying "we aren't Marshall, but we're West Virginia." but that's my West Virginia pride talking.

so while there were a few changes and omissions, it didn't really ruin things for me to find them out. What do you think?

robotech

Some news on the Robotech front via Cinematical

Let me just say i LOVE Robotech. i'm a cartoon product of the 80s. which means i grew up on G.I. Joe, transformers, and all that. Robotech spawned so many shoot-offs that it's hard to keep track sometimes. hence it always seemed to cause some confusion especially to younger viewers. Robotech itself was an americanized version of the Japanese show Macross. then we had the second and third generations. also americanized from Japanese versions. there was even a movie that takes place between first and second generation. it was based on a series that focused on rick hunter and the first gen crew leaving earth. i can't remember why it got scrapped but it's a shame it did. i read the books on it and it's a really great story.

There were other anime series based in the "Macross" universe.

- Macross zero

- Macross II

- Macross Plus

- Macross 7

I saw Macross II a long time ago and it was ok. thanks to the magic of youtube i recently saw Macross zero and it was pretty good. never seen Macross 7.

Now as far Macross Plus goes..... it's my all time favorite anime series. it isn't really a "series" it's a mini-series. the animation is top notch, the music is the best on ANY animated show/movie, and the story is top-notch.

Here's the thing about Robotech..... I'm hoping that this summer's movie Transformers knocks it out of the park. i hope the special effects are mind-blowing and look super-awesome. because if they do, it paves the way for live-action versions of anime series with Robotech being at the top of the list. think about how freaking cool it'll be to have a live-action Robotech movie. personally, I'd rather see Macross Plus but only because i think the story is better and it translates to a movie more readily than Robotech does.

Here's to hoping.....

mcguire

there's a really really good article that sports guy just wrote about mark mcguire and the hall of fame. you need to read it. even if you don't know or care about baseball.

here

there's a lot to take away form the article. for one, it just cements how big of a joke baseball is. it's a sport that dying, and not nearly fast enough if you ask me. here's a few things i have to say on the matter.

- i've always defended NASCAR as a sport and the drivers as athletes. if we can pretend GOLF is a sport, then we better damn well include NASCAR. "but it's just rednecks driving in circles" the ignorant morons say. oh yeah? then i guess golf is just badly-dressed guys out for a walk. i guess boxing is just two guys punching each other. and baseball is just a bunch of guys standing around. "it's just driving a car, anyone can do that." yeah and anyone can walk or run, so by that logic kiss track and field goodbye as "sports". people also say NASCAR is boring. what and you actually expect us to believe baseball ISN'T?!?!? you got maybe 15 seconds of action for every 4 or 5 minutes of watching people stand around. how the FUCK is that exciting?

- baseball has always taken itself way way way too seriously. "america's past time" we call it. key word PAST. we've moved on. the days of kids playing ball in the streets are long gone. they're all shooting hoops now. deal with it. baseball has always been a self-important pompous past time.

- baseball has the most selective memory of any sport. it makes me want to vomit any time one of these sports writers talks about "the good old days" of baseball. good old days? you mean back when the colored boys weren't allowed to play with the white folk? while i don't HATE babe ruth like my brother does, i do think it's nothing short of sad how we like to pretend that guys like him and ty cobb are such revered figures. ruth was a drunken womanizer and ty cobb was a dirty racist. funny how we don't seem to have that thrown around left and right when we're reminiscing about the "good old days". if these guys were playing NOW the press would have had a field day besmirching them instead of sucking them off like they do now.

- it's also funny how baseball never seems to complain when the gravy train is running fine. oh they got no problem with the money and fans and ticket sales that guys like pete rose and mark mcguire bring in. but when it comes time to recognize.... oh now suddenly they're on the high horse. fuck you baseball. you fucking OWE it to mcguire to put him in the hall of fame. he almost single-handedly saved your pathetic sport after it collapsed under the weight of your own greed.

so go ahead and vote your stupid vote and pretend that you're honoring a real sport and being all noble about it. you all make me sick.

hero

Guy dives onto subway tracks to save a stranger's life.

this guy has iron balls and a heart of gold

top 11

From bbspot. top 11 ways blogging is like sex.

11. At first, you’re just blogging once every week or two, but it’s not long before you’re doing it a couple of times a day.
10. A lot of kids fool around with blogs in high school but the serious blogging doesn’t start until college.
9. People really only have one good entry at a time, but will often fake multiple entries because they think it makes their readers happy.
8. It hurts when you’ve blogged and the next day your readers pretend like it never happened.
7. You know better than to blog when you’re drunk, but it’s just more fun, even if you do it with topics you wouldn’t have touched when you were sober.
6. The day after you’ve blogged drunk, you’ve got a lot of explaining to do to your regular readers.
5. Men blog like they’ve got an audience, but women like to keep it intimate.
4. You have to vary your technique once in a while, otherwise your readers will lose interest and you’ll drift apart.
3. When you first start to blog, you don’t ever have any long term readers but all you can ever think about is blogging. After a while, you do find some regular readers, but then blogging becomes a chore and you start to feel guilty if it’s been a while.
2. Most people blog at night, in the privacy of their own homes, but there’s always some jackass strutting around bragging that he prefers to blog in the office at lunch or at the local park.
1. Everyone knows that if he ever did in fact blog in his office or in the park, he was alone and just blogging into his palm.

The rules

from moderndrunkardmagazine.com the 86 rules of drinking. i'm adding my own comments to spice it up.


1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.

- it's more fun for the both of you

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

- unless you're alone. well, unless you're toast is, "here's to you ya handsome bastard"

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

- if he doesn't do it, feel free to offer whatever the hell you like.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

- unless it's something really really good. after all, there's something to be said for tradition.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

- hi i'm jimmy. here have a beer.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

- frankly i think buying one is dumb. but that's just me.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

- bring your own. what is this, prison?

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

- have some respect for the poor drunk fool.

9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

- bartenders is people too.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

- unless it's dead. then chat your drunk ass away.

11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.

- the quick way to get smacked around.

12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

- cuz he'll fix that next time you order one. unless you LIKE drinking tap water.

13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.

- hopefully.

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

- sucker.

15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

- and you're still a sucker.

16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

- drink up ya luck bastard. to my knowledge this almost never happens.

17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

- it's called manners.

18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.

- i guess. i'm not a wine drinker personally.

19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

- just like mcguyver would.

20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.

- not this time nancy-boy!!

21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

- because society wasn't frowning on it nearly as much as they are now.

22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.

- not even that. do your business and leave.

23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.

- unless they're looking to fight.

24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.

- or give false confidence.

25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.

- or quoting homer simpson.

26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.

- just don't do it. chances are i'll hate what you pick and you'll hate what i pick. let's save each other the pain and not request anything.

27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.

- ask my brother. it's true.

28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

- and make sure you drink from the brown paper bag ya cheap wino.

29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.

- they'll appreciate it.

30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

- once again, it's called manners.

31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.

- how dare they hide beer. you drink ALL that hoarding bastard's stash!!!

32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.

- i got no problem with that.

33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

- like from a keg. stolen kegs are the best.

34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.

- for every one GOOD beer you drink you must drink TWO of yours.

35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.

- i never thought of it that way. nice.

36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.

- learning is fun

37. Try one new drink each week.

- i dunno, that gets expensive.

38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.

- if that happens leave. cuz then that's just depressing.

39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.

- plus it's a pain in the ass to lug around.

40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.

- indeed you are

41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.

- not always. sometimes she really is THAT DAMN HOT.

42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.

- if they're wearing the glass like a feedbag, do NOT attempt to outdrink them.

43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.

- preferably someone to drunk to defend the accusation.

44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.

- sofis-ti-pated.... no wait.... sosic-a-mated.....ugh.....

45. It's okay to drink alone.

- sometimes it's your only option.

46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.

- just make sure you remember her face when you come back from the can.

47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.

- if more than one person is doing it, you've wandered itno a gay bar or country club. either way RUN.

48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.

- it's impossible to look manley and drink from a straw. it can't be done. john wayne himself wouldn't be able (nor would he attempt) to do it.

49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.

- damn straight.

50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.

- and never dive in a brood bar. no wait....

51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.

- you should be kicked in the fucking head if you do.

52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.

- enjoy the songs picked by the guy who just left in the meantime.

53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.

- why would you?

54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.

- remember, you stretch the truth, you don't break it.

55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

- and that isn't drool

56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.

- for a guy.

57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.

- hence you must fight someone drunker than you.

58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.

- oh indeed.

59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.

- you god damn well BETTER.

60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.

- and scurry off to drink it in a dark corner. like the rat you are. nibble at that cheese....

61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.

- plus you don't know what has been on that table.

62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.

- plus you may get lucky and he's so drunk he always thinks it's his turn to buy.

63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.

- either way you're a sucker. she's going to be nice so keep tipping you tool.

64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.

- they didn't get rich GIVING it away.

65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.

- and if i don't?

66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”

- he's then allowed to try and give you the cheap shit and charge the expensive price.

67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

- after enough drinks it's ALL good.

68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.

- and don't order something complicated you ass.

69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

- so monitor your beer close. it should never leave your sight or grip.

70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.

- just try not to think of it like this TOO literally.

71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.

- just make sure you reappear with pants on. then they have to ask.

72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.

- try and drink somewhere where the bartender is honest.

73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.

- and no bitching if you don't drink it.

74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.

- he's busy and has money to make. know what the fuck you want dipshit.

75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.

- good beer makes you punchy.

76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.

- a RICH drunkard.

77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”

- just don't.

78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.

- then god bless that man.

79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.

- unless no other bar wants you. then hang your head in shame and drink up.

80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.

- damn straight.

81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.

- just don't drink a LOT of it. moderation.

82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.

- now that's just funny.

83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

- but that's only cuz you move 5 times as slow.

84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.

- it's fucking classy. just like me.

85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.

- and pouring alcohol all over naked bodies in hot passionate sex is way the fuck off the chart. but then that's like one of those things that only happens in pornos.

86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.

- forget..... forget.....

#1 of autoblog

autoblog's #1 most commented post of 2006

debut of the chevy camaro concept

a bitching car that needs to be made.

2007

oh yeah and Happy New Year by the way

by the way

I know some of you that visit here found this place because of the NASCAR posting i used to do. Maybe you found your way over from my time as a blogger for thatsracin.com or just by accident. either way, i'm just letting you know that those postings aren't happening anymore. ever. after the Talladega race during the 2006 chase, i officially quit NASCAR for good. several reasons.

- no more enforcement. that race ending sealed it. NASCAR doesn't give a rat's ass about enforcing rules or sportsmanlike conduct. yeah yeah it just so happened that it was Jr that got screwed, that did add to it, but that was just the straw that broke the camel's back. i mean seriously, is there a sport out there more selective on how and when they enforce their OWN rules? i just can't take it.

- TV coverage. it sucks. plain and simple. i'd like to think that it might get better with the return to ESPN, but i really have no reason to think otherwise. we're still going to have to sit thru 1/3 of the race being commercials, boring filler segments, and announcers with their heads jammed WAY the fuck up their asses.

- overblown news. tony stewart gets mad. dale jr says ANYTHING. a roush driver complains. these are all things that we're used to happening and once they do the news can't shove it down our collective throats fast enough. i'm tired of one story being told 50 ba-ZILLION times and always being blown way the fuck out of proportion.

- johnson winning title. this isn't a main reason, it's just something that ties in with previous reasons. like the enforcement. our current championship team has been busted for cheating more than anyone else and then comes out and wins the title. so how are any of us supposed to think NASCAR is serious about enforcing rules. yeah sure. next you'll tell me that baseball was serious about busting steroids back when McGuire and Sosa were saving baseball from collapsing. johnson winning is also going to fall under the "overblown news". i'm not particularly interested in a TON of johnson ass-kissing.

so it's been a good run. i've had some good times watching and met some great people. it's now NFL, some NBA, and Manchester United watching for me.

polls

said it before and i'll say it again. polls are absolutely WORTHLESS

story was about a poll to gauge the american public thoughts on upcoming 2007. here's a few notes.

- the poll was done over the phone by calling 1000 people. that's right. calling 1000 people is supposed to be an indicator for how millions think.

- 35% said they think the military draft will be reinstated.

- then again, 25% said they thought Jesus was making a second-coming. so what does that tell you.

so next time you hear about a poll, just laugh.

maybe this

The damned good looking!!!!

i think i figured out more on that joke thing. it wasn't JUST the joke, but the way it was told. the character just looks funny plus the smile after her tells it. still funny.

dammit!!!

stupid stupid me. how could i forget? i'm adding to my top movie list again. baker's dozen folks.

Crank. how could i forget that movie. totally awesome movie. and the sex scene right in the middle of chinatown was priceless.

WVU

WVU baby!!!!! woooo!!!! suck it UCONN!!!!

joke

ever have one of those jokes that you know wasn't particularly funny, but for SOME unknown reason you couldn't stop laughing about it and it stuck in your head? i got one in me noggin thanks to Futurama. From the episode "A pharaoh to remember". for some reason i can't help but laugh every time i think of it.

The high priest during the pharaoh funeral:

"We commend the body of Hermenthotip to the abode of the damned.
The damned good looking!
Pharaoh commanded me to tell that joke at his funeral."

how to be (part 2)

Hey hey hey now..... i'm all about both sides of education.

how to be the perfect boyfriend

How to be

I never miss a chance to educate and inform. so in the spirit of education i present a video for the ladies.

How to be the perfect girlfriend

dead

Saddam is dead. 15 years too late but at least he's gone.

yay

ghost riding the whip.

a new fad in which dumbasses leave the cars in forward motion, get out and dance on the roof while it's moving. needless to say, it's popular and it's causing injuries left and right.

my only question: isn't there some way we could encourage this? this is prime opportunity to weed out some undesirables in the gene pool. dudes that are fucking retarded enough to do this deserve whatever they get.

Stupid me

I'm going to add 2 more to my movies list for 2006. screw you, it's my blog. in the words of Cartman.... whateva....whateva....i do what i want!!!!

11 - The Departed. can't believe i forgot about this one. awesome fucking movie. everyone is at the top of their game in this. i'd like to offer an apology to Leonardo Dicaprio. i've never really given him his due as an actor. i'd like to include Brad Pitt in this apology too. mostly because they started out as chick flik heartthrobs and after listening to girls talk about how dreamy they are etc.... i just wanted to vomit. so i kinda had a built-in prejudice regarding them. but i'm man enough to admit when i'm wrong. they're both great actors and i'm a jealous jackass.

12 - Beerfest. what was extra nice about this movie was that i got to see it early at an advance screening at the Alamo Drafthouse theater. not only that, but i had my drinking buddies along for the ride.

Cheating

seems like all the talk on sports somehow seems to include cheating nowadays. any athlete that accomplishes superhuman feats or breaks massive records is now under the eyeglass. of course, with guys like Bonds breaking the records and then acting like total douchbags, it makes it easier. of course it seems no sport is exempt anymore.

Indian chess player banned 10 years for cheating.

and spare me the "chess isn't a sport" comments. i know. you know what though, i got a varisty letter in high school for it just like the letters the football players got. mine actually means something because MY team was state champs 2 years in a row and we actually won games.

movies of 2006

i can never stand reading the "top" lists of movie critics of self-important film snobs (like the people over at aintitcoolnews.com). they always hail these no-name artsy fliks as the best and it's total crap. so here's MY top 10. and i'm not ranking them, just the top 10.

so in no particular order.....
1 - Superman Returns. it's superman for the love of god. yeah the film had WAY too much romance in it (read: any) and not enough action. but it was well done and the plane rescue scene gave me goosebumps. let's hope the sequel has more action to it.

2 - Clerks 2. this movie was great. Randall continues to be one of the most awesome characters on film. i say that since i see a lot of me in him.

3 - Jackass 2. screw you holier-than-thou people who think you're "too sophisticated" to see a movie like this. it's funny. it's guys playing jokes on each other and doing wacky stunts. don't analyze, don't try and make a case for the decline of society. just laugh you bastards.

4 - Borat. it's offensive and just plain weird and yet it's hilarious.

5 - Saw 3. with the amount of boring dumbass horror films out, it's nice to see one that can still make you uncomfortable.

6 - V for Vendetta. the "v word" speech was priceless. what's great though was the sheer amount of people too stupid to know this wasn't a swipe at the Bush administration and that the best message you could've gotten from this movie is that if we're looking for someone to blame for the way things are we need only look in the mirror.

7 - Hostel. once again, nice to see a film that can make you squirm. not to mention it reminded me that i need to take a trip to the balkans.

8 - Pirates of the Caribbean 2. heh heh. pirates is cool.

9 - Xmen 3. action packed and enjoyable. can't wait for the Wolverine movie.

10 - Mission Impossible 3. action and fun. so what if Tom is crazy, at least he ain't telling me how to vote.

Sports jerks in review

There's a great article on ESPN.com about just how much sports has gone to shit this year.

the article ranges from jackasses like Terrell Owens to Barry Bonds. i'm at a loss as to who the BIGGEST one was this year.

i think the frontrunner is owens. the man just can't stand to have the news NOT be about him. what's even better is how the media loved to talk about him grabbing headlines out of one side of their mouth while shoving those same headlines down our throats with the other side of their mouths. "later tonight, our report on terrell owens shamelessly grabbing more headlines, but first our top story, terrell owens in the headlines again". so while i think he's an ego-fueled ass, i shift a good portion of the blame at the media.

there are plenty of other nominees for BIGGEST jackass. Marcus Vick, a thug who is living proof that athletic talent makes you above the system. any other black man in Virginia who gives underage girls booze then waves a gun at people in a McDonald's parking lot would be in jail. no freaking question about it. no but instead he's been handed opportunities out the ying-yang and is currently a member of the Miami Dolphins. that's justice for you.

anyways, the article is worth a look.

RIP James Brown

Truly a loss for the music world. This is probably one of if not the most influential artists ever. You will be missed Godfather. some tributes.

By Eddie Murphy from SNL


A mini-movie from BMW. Badass as hell


Classic James


More Classic - Papa's Got a Brand New Bag


Living in America - from Rocky IV

MST3K

found something great to blog.

mystery science theater 3000. their greatest episode.

Santa Clause conquers the martians.

this is so damn funny you'll pee your pants.


part 1
part 2
part 3
part 4
part 5
part 6
part 7
part 8
part 9
part 10

Back

i've decided to start blogging again. life changes have given me a need to vent and ponder things. i've found blogging remains the best way to do so. what changes?

- employment. currently i'm working as tech support for AT&T's U-Verse service. if you don't know what it is then count yourself lucky. stay away till these yahoos get their shit together. at least another year. believe it or not, the customers don't bother me in this job. in fact, i feel SORRY for the customers. more on that later.

- Carrie. months ago i got back in touch with Carrie. we've been chatting since then and it's been a really good thing for us both. We've managed to clear the air on a lot of unresolved things from our past and find some closure. the main thing that's been great about it is that i'm more sure then ever that she is in fact the one true love i'll ever have. years later i still care more about her than any woman i ever met. unfortunately it also seals my belief that sometimes, love isn't enough and that just because you're meant for someone doesn't mean you'll end up with them. it's sad but it's a fact of life. i accept it.

- gaming. with my job and school i have like no time for gaming lately. it sucks ass.

anyways, that's the update. guess i'll find something useful to post later.