some classic Daffy Duck cartoons.
Funniest part of this one, 3:45. ooooooh brother!!!
One of the best. ah the good old days. remember when it was OK to make fun of people you were at war with?
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Post-Daytona thoughts
It was ok. i wasn't floored or anything, but it wasn't too bad. A few points to make.
- the one time you DIDN'T want gordon or johnson to wreck and they do. this really cemented the fact that Jr is the single most dangerous driver in the post-Earnhardt Sr. era at a Superspeedway. i don't mean dangerous in a Kyle Busch, Robby Gordon, Montoya way. You know the "wreck everyone around you then act indignant when people get pissed at you." i mean dangerous as in everyone knows he's the man to beat and that if and everyone around you aren't working as a single unit to beat him, he's going to whip your ass. Even with the Toyotas having the cars to beat can you really say that if Jr had had ANY help he wouldn't have smoked them? Betting at restrictor plate races is like betting on golf. in golf you bet Tiger vs the field. Plate racing it's Jr vs the field. Field won this one, because the field acted AS a field against him. Hey it worked, my hat is off to them for admitting they had to if one them wanted to win.
- I'm still not blown away by the COT. i'll admit it has put more racing back into the driver's hands, but it still looks like shit.
- Coverage still sucks. Who the hell ARE some of these pit reporters? Have i been gone from the sport THAT long?
- I'm still getting used to the number/sponsor changes. We've gone from smoking and drinking (Winston/Busch) to cell phones and insurance (Sprint/Nationwide). Good god, just writing that made me feel less manly.
- Gopher cam? shoot me please.
so i guess the verdict is still WAY out for the new season. come see me after 3 or 4 more races.
- the one time you DIDN'T want gordon or johnson to wreck and they do. this really cemented the fact that Jr is the single most dangerous driver in the post-Earnhardt Sr. era at a Superspeedway. i don't mean dangerous in a Kyle Busch, Robby Gordon, Montoya way. You know the "wreck everyone around you then act indignant when people get pissed at you." i mean dangerous as in everyone knows he's the man to beat and that if and everyone around you aren't working as a single unit to beat him, he's going to whip your ass. Even with the Toyotas having the cars to beat can you really say that if Jr had had ANY help he wouldn't have smoked them? Betting at restrictor plate races is like betting on golf. in golf you bet Tiger vs the field. Plate racing it's Jr vs the field. Field won this one, because the field acted AS a field against him. Hey it worked, my hat is off to them for admitting they had to if one them wanted to win.
- I'm still not blown away by the COT. i'll admit it has put more racing back into the driver's hands, but it still looks like shit.
- Coverage still sucks. Who the hell ARE some of these pit reporters? Have i been gone from the sport THAT long?
- I'm still getting used to the number/sponsor changes. We've gone from smoking and drinking (Winston/Busch) to cell phones and insurance (Sprint/Nationwide). Good god, just writing that made me feel less manly.
- Gopher cam? shoot me please.
so i guess the verdict is still WAY out for the new season. come see me after 3 or 4 more races.
Women voters
Just wanted to expand on something mentioned in a comment. Namely why women would be stupid enough to vote for Hillary. There's plenty of reasons not to vote for her.
- not looking forward to 4 years of Bill. Cuz you know he isn't going to just shut up and host dinners.
- You're black and you're afraid your friends will find out you didn't vote for Obama and come for you in the middle of the night.
- You fell for her bullshit and voted her into office in New York and you regret it.
then we have reasons people will vote for her.
- You hate black people and you'll be damned if you do anything that would lead to one running the country.
- you want to be in her good graces because you know that when a Clinton hands out political favors, pardons, and no-bid contracts for supporting the military in a military conflict in a country that is no threat to the United States *cough*Bosnia*cough* the media doesn't give a shit and will never look into it or accuse you of being a war-profiteer.
- two words: heavy drinking
- hoping it will get you laid to show how much you care about chicks. if this is you, please for the love of god just go pay for an escort. or get really fucked up and bang a girl you know you wouldn't bang unless you were drunk.
- have those stitches from the lobotomy healed yet?
and the reason why 95% of the women who vote for her are voting for her.....
- you've been convinced that as a woman, you are OBLIGATED to vote for ANY woman who runs for office because your feminist overlords have made it clear that any woman not voting for Hillary is a traitor to her gender. even if the woman is incapable of telling the truth, is power-hungry at a level that James Bond villains couldn't even imagine, and hasn't actually accomplished anything since she first set foot in DC.
this strategy will only work on white women. why? because black women would rather be black than a woman. simple as that. ain't going to work on ANY men because given the choice they'd all rather be sexist than racist. sorry to say but as a voter that's the choice you face. if you don't vote for Hillary, you hate women. if you don't vote for Obama, you hate black people. So what's it going to be?
and no, i don't think you're either whichever way you vote, but that's what the media will present it as.
- not looking forward to 4 years of Bill. Cuz you know he isn't going to just shut up and host dinners.
- You're black and you're afraid your friends will find out you didn't vote for Obama and come for you in the middle of the night.
- You fell for her bullshit and voted her into office in New York and you regret it.
then we have reasons people will vote for her.
- You hate black people and you'll be damned if you do anything that would lead to one running the country.
- you want to be in her good graces because you know that when a Clinton hands out political favors, pardons, and no-bid contracts for supporting the military in a military conflict in a country that is no threat to the United States *cough*Bosnia*cough* the media doesn't give a shit and will never look into it or accuse you of being a war-profiteer.
- two words: heavy drinking
- hoping it will get you laid to show how much you care about chicks. if this is you, please for the love of god just go pay for an escort. or get really fucked up and bang a girl you know you wouldn't bang unless you were drunk.
- have those stitches from the lobotomy healed yet?
and the reason why 95% of the women who vote for her are voting for her.....
- you've been convinced that as a woman, you are OBLIGATED to vote for ANY woman who runs for office because your feminist overlords have made it clear that any woman not voting for Hillary is a traitor to her gender. even if the woman is incapable of telling the truth, is power-hungry at a level that James Bond villains couldn't even imagine, and hasn't actually accomplished anything since she first set foot in DC.
this strategy will only work on white women. why? because black women would rather be black than a woman. simple as that. ain't going to work on ANY men because given the choice they'd all rather be sexist than racist. sorry to say but as a voter that's the choice you face. if you don't vote for Hillary, you hate women. if you don't vote for Obama, you hate black people. So what's it going to be?
and no, i don't think you're either whichever way you vote, but that's what the media will present it as.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Ending robbery
i love anime. it's better animation than anything America will ever put out and the stories are far better too. My all-time favorite is Macross Plus. My top 3 is:
1 - Macross Plus
2 - Cowboy Bebop
3 - Neon Genesis Evangelion
but there is something about anime that bugs me. endings. the Japanese really don't seem to know the meaning of the word "closure" do they? it's either that or they get bored making it REALLY easy.
macross plus closed up pretty good. guld and isamu work it out, sharon is destroyed, and it seems myung and isamu will end up together.... but they never really spell it out.
cowboy bebop. looks like spike kicks the bucket, edward is gone, jet and faye seem to be left alone and missing spike. or do they? spike is a pretty resilient guy, i think it's not out of the question he survives. right? guess we'll never know.
evangelion..... now this one i felt just plain ROBBED. i'm not alone. i remember my best friend chris saying that andy, one of the guys we went to school with, got violently upset at how it ended. i'm not MAD, i'm just disappointed. the show went from GREAT to FUCKING WEIRD fast. such a shame.
am i alone here? does anyone else feel a bit cheated?
1 - Macross Plus
2 - Cowboy Bebop
3 - Neon Genesis Evangelion
but there is something about anime that bugs me. endings. the Japanese really don't seem to know the meaning of the word "closure" do they? it's either that or they get bored making it REALLY easy.
macross plus closed up pretty good. guld and isamu work it out, sharon is destroyed, and it seems myung and isamu will end up together.... but they never really spell it out.
cowboy bebop. looks like spike kicks the bucket, edward is gone, jet and faye seem to be left alone and missing spike. or do they? spike is a pretty resilient guy, i think it's not out of the question he survives. right? guess we'll never know.
evangelion..... now this one i felt just plain ROBBED. i'm not alone. i remember my best friend chris saying that andy, one of the guys we went to school with, got violently upset at how it ended. i'm not MAD, i'm just disappointed. the show went from GREAT to FUCKING WEIRD fast. such a shame.
am i alone here? does anyone else feel a bit cheated?
Saturday, February 16, 2008
voting
I read on another blog someone remarking that voting time is coming up and that we should all get out and vote no matter who we support because that's what defines us as Americans.....etc.... you get the point. i respect that opinion, kinda. i do think our voting right is vastly important, but voting just to vote or just so you can say "i voted so i matter as an American" or even worse trying to pull the "if you don't vote you can't complain" card. to quote Chris Rock, "you can steer a car with your feet if you want to, that don't make it a good fucking idea!!!" the lesson is, just because you CAN doesn't mean SHOULD. sometimes not doing it means more than doing it. right now, i think our choices as voters suck. look at who we got to choose from.
- McCain. a wanna-be republican. for me, it isn't that he "isn't conservative enough" it's that he tries to play that he works with the Dems when the reality is, he folds faster than Superman on laundry day. "working with" means you give AND receive.
- Huckabee. a former minister. pardon the pun but, GOD no. we do NOT need a really religious person running the show. i mean, holy shit, that's why we're in the middle east. because really religious people are running the show and it's gotten out of fucking control. can't we at least TRY an atheist president?
- Hillary. Insanity, plain and simple. this woman will do or say whatever she has to in order to get this job. she doesn't even hide it. i mean, JUST how gullible are you if you actually trust her? too gullible to be allowed to vote in my opinion. look, i may not agree with ANY of their policies but when it comes down to her and Obama, i believe Obama is doing it to try and make a difference. with her, i know she just wants the power. we've been forced to listen to 7 years of bitching about how power-mongering Bush and Cheney are.... so the solution is electing THIS????
- Obama. the guy doesn't have the experience. this could help him. my brother says "he just isn't jaded enough yet for Washington". right now he's basically running on "i'm something different" and "i promise change" and "i'm black" and "i'm not Hillary". that last one might just net him some conservative votes eager to stick it to McCain.
so let's look at the reality of the situation. nothing is going to change. nothing big anyways. doesn't really matter who gets elected. look, when you vote, the only message you're sending is "you said what you had to and spent what you had to, here's a vote. congrats." oh sure you might wanna say "i'm an american and this is my right." but they won't hear it as that.
lemme put it this way. the owner of the NY Knicks. he pretty much does whatever the hell he wants. the fact that he hasn't fired Isiah is proof he couldn't give a fuck what the peons of New York think. why? because there's still people showing up for games. maybe they show up to boo, maybe they show up because they still love the team and feel they shouldn't suffer due to poor management, maybe they show up to watch the other team.... all worthless. all the owner understands is that tickets are being bought, money is coming in, and therefore why should he care WHY.
same thing with politicians. votes cast only translate to 1 of 2 things to them.
1 - i said the right things.
2 - i said the wrong things.
if the country was serious about change, they'd stop rewarding lies with votes. and yet, here we are.
- McCain. a wanna-be republican. for me, it isn't that he "isn't conservative enough" it's that he tries to play that he works with the Dems when the reality is, he folds faster than Superman on laundry day. "working with" means you give AND receive.
- Huckabee. a former minister. pardon the pun but, GOD no. we do NOT need a really religious person running the show. i mean, holy shit, that's why we're in the middle east. because really religious people are running the show and it's gotten out of fucking control. can't we at least TRY an atheist president?
- Hillary. Insanity, plain and simple. this woman will do or say whatever she has to in order to get this job. she doesn't even hide it. i mean, JUST how gullible are you if you actually trust her? too gullible to be allowed to vote in my opinion. look, i may not agree with ANY of their policies but when it comes down to her and Obama, i believe Obama is doing it to try and make a difference. with her, i know she just wants the power. we've been forced to listen to 7 years of bitching about how power-mongering Bush and Cheney are.... so the solution is electing THIS????
- Obama. the guy doesn't have the experience. this could help him. my brother says "he just isn't jaded enough yet for Washington". right now he's basically running on "i'm something different" and "i promise change" and "i'm black" and "i'm not Hillary". that last one might just net him some conservative votes eager to stick it to McCain.
so let's look at the reality of the situation. nothing is going to change. nothing big anyways. doesn't really matter who gets elected. look, when you vote, the only message you're sending is "you said what you had to and spent what you had to, here's a vote. congrats." oh sure you might wanna say "i'm an american and this is my right." but they won't hear it as that.
lemme put it this way. the owner of the NY Knicks. he pretty much does whatever the hell he wants. the fact that he hasn't fired Isiah is proof he couldn't give a fuck what the peons of New York think. why? because there's still people showing up for games. maybe they show up to boo, maybe they show up because they still love the team and feel they shouldn't suffer due to poor management, maybe they show up to watch the other team.... all worthless. all the owner understands is that tickets are being bought, money is coming in, and therefore why should he care WHY.
same thing with politicians. votes cast only translate to 1 of 2 things to them.
1 - i said the right things.
2 - i said the wrong things.
if the country was serious about change, they'd stop rewarding lies with votes. and yet, here we are.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Spaceships
Link to
Great Spaceship Sacrifices.
with video.
this is good stuff. personally i think the Pegasus from Battlestar Galactica is the best. Simply because the whole episode was just plain fucking awesome. I mean, you're watching and you're thinking, "oh man how the hell are they getting out of this one?" and then Lee shows up and starts whooping Cylon ass. This was the same episode that had the Galactica entering the planet's atmosphere, launching fighters, and then hyperjumping a few hundred feet off the ground in a fit of TV badassery.
UPDATE: here you go. both scenes. god this was an awesome episode.
Great Spaceship Sacrifices.
with video.
this is good stuff. personally i think the Pegasus from Battlestar Galactica is the best. Simply because the whole episode was just plain fucking awesome. I mean, you're watching and you're thinking, "oh man how the hell are they getting out of this one?" and then Lee shows up and starts whooping Cylon ass. This was the same episode that had the Galactica entering the planet's atmosphere, launching fighters, and then hyperjumping a few hundred feet off the ground in a fit of TV badassery.
UPDATE: here you go. both scenes. god this was an awesome episode.
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Clarify
Got a message from an old friend. Well, not old, just someone i haven't heard from in a while. She invites me to join her "former Hendrick haters who still love Dale Jr" support group. I had to chuckle. It got me to thinking though, there's probably a lot of sports fans out there who wouldn't quite get that or understand just how much pain Dale Jr fans are experiencing right now. So let me try and explain.
Suspend a bit of reality for a minute and try and picture this scenario:
suppose 2 major "unthinkable" events happened in Baseball. no, not Barry admitting to the steroids. suppose for some reason, the NY Mets just went and left town. They had enough of playing second fiddle to the Yankees and they found new stomping grounds elsewhere. Doesn't really matter where. Now imagine at the same time, the entire Boston Red Sox organization has a falling out with the city of Boston (the leaders, not the fans). Tempers flare, threats are leveled, and in a moment that changes fan's lives, the Boston Red Sox move to New York. Yeah yeah i know, the circumstances have to be outrageous and the legal things etc.... but bear with me.
so now picture yourself a Red Sox fan. what do you do? You still love your team. You believe them when they said they had to do what was best for them. You know they didn't do it to piss on you, the fan. What now? As a Red Sox fan it's always been your obligation to hate all things NY. It's in your blood. It's a requirement for being a Sox fan. Now YOUR team is putting up their feet in front of a fireplace in enemy territory. Your whole world has become conflicted.
So back to reality. Now that you picture that, i think you're ready to get a feel for what Jr fans are going thru. The torment of loyalty clashing with hatred. We still wish all the best for Jr, but as an "Earnhardt" fan we can't just "purge" the automatic hatred we feel for Gordon-Hendrick. We all cheered and hoped against hope for Jr to bring a championship back to DEI. we were waiting for SOME kind of happy memory to fill that void when Dale Sr left. it never came. instead we sat thru 7 seasons of disappointment only to have it all come to a head and have our whole fan-world come crashing down thanks to a business arrangement gone wrong. I think it would be easier to accept if it was a trade or something, but a BUSINESS decision?
I still wish nothing but the best for Dale Jr. He's a class act and a great driver.
Suspend a bit of reality for a minute and try and picture this scenario:
suppose 2 major "unthinkable" events happened in Baseball. no, not Barry admitting to the steroids. suppose for some reason, the NY Mets just went and left town. They had enough of playing second fiddle to the Yankees and they found new stomping grounds elsewhere. Doesn't really matter where. Now imagine at the same time, the entire Boston Red Sox organization has a falling out with the city of Boston (the leaders, not the fans). Tempers flare, threats are leveled, and in a moment that changes fan's lives, the Boston Red Sox move to New York. Yeah yeah i know, the circumstances have to be outrageous and the legal things etc.... but bear with me.
so now picture yourself a Red Sox fan. what do you do? You still love your team. You believe them when they said they had to do what was best for them. You know they didn't do it to piss on you, the fan. What now? As a Red Sox fan it's always been your obligation to hate all things NY. It's in your blood. It's a requirement for being a Sox fan. Now YOUR team is putting up their feet in front of a fireplace in enemy territory. Your whole world has become conflicted.
So back to reality. Now that you picture that, i think you're ready to get a feel for what Jr fans are going thru. The torment of loyalty clashing with hatred. We still wish all the best for Jr, but as an "Earnhardt" fan we can't just "purge" the automatic hatred we feel for Gordon-Hendrick. We all cheered and hoped against hope for Jr to bring a championship back to DEI. we were waiting for SOME kind of happy memory to fill that void when Dale Sr left. it never came. instead we sat thru 7 seasons of disappointment only to have it all come to a head and have our whole fan-world come crashing down thanks to a business arrangement gone wrong. I think it would be easier to accept if it was a trade or something, but a BUSINESS decision?
I still wish nothing but the best for Dale Jr. He's a class act and a great driver.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
100 things about women
this is an old post. i originally broke it up into 5 or 6 posts, but i think it works better as one giant one.
i found this on maxim.com
100 things guys need to know about women. time to add jimmy comments to it to spice it up.
100 list in italics, my comments in bold.
100. Girls enjoy always having something kind of wrong, like a headache or cramping or something. Remember: No matter how bad it sounds, she’s going to outlive you.
yeah, that's cuz they use underhanded tactics like playing sick in order to suck the life out of us.
99. Most women will not have sex for the first time with a guy unless their legs are shaved. If your date shows up and you spot stubble, she’s trying to keep herself in line.
if i can SPOT stubble then that shit must be thick as hell. which means she skipped more than a couple days.
98. No matter how much she reassures you, if you can’t get a hard-on she assumes you’re not attracted to her.
then maybe she needs to use her mouth for something other than "reassurance" to get things going.
97. Beware of your girlfriend's single party friend or gay bud. They want her to be single with them and will encourage any bad behavior as often as possible.
this is where preemptive strikes come into play.
96. Jewelry. Now you always know what to get her for a last-minute gift.
great, last-minute gift ideas that are never cheap.
95. The sight of you in your socks and underwear is the biggest turnoff in the world.
oh yeah, and gals wearing plain old white underwear and granny panties isn't?
94. Never trust a girl who has no girlfriends. She doesn’t get along with other women because she’s either bat-shit crazy or just plain mean.
plus it means she's got nobody to hang with giving you time to yourself or time with your boys. trust me on this one, being able to send her off with her friends will keep you both more happy.
93. Girls who say, “I love sports!” are lying. Girls who ask you what time the game is on, without specifying which game they’re talking about, are not.
eh..... i don't buy this one. my last 2 girlfriends both loved NASCAR. and specifying a game might mean they track more than one team/league/sport.
92. A random hookup is more likely to result in pregnancy, because a woman has more sex when she’s most fertile.
nice to know. so fellas, make sure you wrap it if you're banging a chick who's cheating on her boyfriend/husband. i know i did.
91. She still has all the love letters and cards from her past boyfriends.
aw how sweet. i guarantee they and I don't have a damn thing she sent.
90. Just started dating? Women want you to drive, even if it’s their car.
hey great. like i needed permission. unless it's in the shop i'm the one driving anyway and unless i trust you completely you ain't touching my baby. (the list of people i've let drive my car is VERY short)
89. A girl would prefer to get a $100 gift from Tiffany & Co. than a $500 gift from Fortunoff. Why? Because her friends will ask where she got it.
sorry but i have no clue what those places are. cheaper gift good.
88. “If I give you my number on Friday, Tuesday and Wednesday are your best bets to score a date. Monday is too desperate, Thursday is too late.”—Claire, 27
and never is "go fuck yourself honey, i don't jump thru hoops for any dame."
87. Your female coworkers are obsessed with the fact that on average they receive less pay than male counterparts—and the fact that they work less overtime and get pregnant is irrelevant to the discussion.
naturally. because facts and common sense just can't be used to argue with a woman. we accept it.
86. Laying a towel down over the wet spot is like putting your jacket over a mud puddle for her, you noble bastard.
fine whatever. just shut up already.
85. A recent study revealed that natural blondes could be extinct in 200 years, so unless she’s Norwegian, her towhead might be bottled.
a recent survey of a supermarket shows that bleach and hair-coloring are still sold and show no signs of going extinct. recent trends indicate women continue to be shallow and vain where their appearance in concerned. so long story short, who gives a fuck?
84. Sixteen percent of American men have been with a prostitute—scientific proof most women are decent in bed.
wrong. reality check will tell you that 90%-95% of men have. because while you may not pay in cash, you're going to pay. don't bullshit yourself guys, you're going to pay one way or another to get sex. the question is, do you want to pay in the form of time/money spent on dates..... time spent "getting to know her"..... etc..... on the CHANCE she might give it up. or just cut to the chase and get some guaranteed sex?
83. Women always want to believe what you’re saying is true.
HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! no wait.... let me catch my breath. *whew* HA HA HA HA!!!!!!
82. What do women really want in bed? More blankets. They get colder than men.
gotcha.
81. The threesome is not about you; it’s about the two girls. If you’re lucky enough to score one with your girlfriend, enjoy sex with the other one because there’s a good chance it’ll end the relationship.
relationships come and go, but a visit to the threefold kingdom is magical and wonderful. trust me, nothing can take that away from you.
80. If women have an excuse to take a pill, they’ll take it.
ok..... that was random.....
79. Never trust the woman who gives you the best blow job you’ve ever had.
translation: she didn't get mad skillz working the mic from the fruit and vegetable section. 37?
78. “I hate when my boyfriend is sweaty and tries to lie down on top of me or cuddle after I’ve come. Wait five minutes.”—Erin, 21
i'm calling bullshit on this one. back me up on this one guys, when we're done the deed our asses are asleep. sorry Erin, your boyfriend is a real closet case.
77. The average woman kisses 79 men before getting married.
in a row?
76. She hates your Xbox more than she lets on. Blow her off for some gaming and she’ll soon stop wasting time on a dork like you.
i hate her arts and crafts more than i complain about. keep it up and i'll blow you off for some gaming.
75. Women who are obsessed with their dogs also like to keep their men on a short leash.
yet another reason i'm a cat person.
74. “Girls who buy their men lap dances and pretend to enjoy it are kidding themselves. They’re trying to keep him happy with some controlled freedom.”—Suzy, 31
they're also gullible as fucking hell. you think YOU'RE the only one buying his lap dances? you think he only goes to the strip club with YOU? silly girl.
73. Over the course of her life, a woman will use 10 men for every one she loves. If you lent her your car or helped her move and didn't get laid, you're one of the 10.
suckers. ah who am i kidding, i've been played like a fucking piano more than once or twice without a payoff for my troubles. i really wanted to tap those asses too. damn you hormones!!!!
72. During emergencies, women are likely to remain calmer than men. Though it should be noted that inventing minor crises on a weekly basis gives them more practice.
have you ever BEEN in an emergency??
71. “Women grow hairs in a lot of the same places that men do—lower abdomen, nipples—we just get rid of them.”—Katie, 26
that's just gross. i'm not ashamed to admit i'm pretty shallow when it comes to hair. i see it on her lip or anywhere besides the top of her head or downstairs (even then it better be short supply down there) and i'm gone. call me whatever you like.
70. Unless they’re lesbians, she won’t approve of your hanging out with other girls. Even if they’re ugly. And, really, even if they’re lesbians.
and really she's insecure and will probably push her man into banging as many of them as he can just for pissing him off.
69. If you have something to hide, she’ll find it.
the hell she will. you'll never be privy to all our secrets ladies. get over it. it's ok that we don't share every fuckin aspect of our lives with you.
68. Eighty-five: The number of males per 100 females in Gary, Indiana, lowest male-to-female ratio of any city with a population of 100,000-plus. The highest male-to-female ratio is in Salinas, California: 114 males for every 100 females.
ITT Tech in San Antonio: 10 females for every 100 males. of those, 4 are bangable.
67. Kiss her before two dates have gone by or you’ll be “friended.”
bang her before 3 dates or you'll be whipped as a puppy when she finally gives it up.
66. They can't live without tension. Every once in a while she's gonna pick a fight with you for no reason. Accept this as a running, inevitable theme and your relationship will make a lot more sense.
gentlemen pay attention: this will happen ONLY IF YOU LET IT!!!! fuck her and her drama. if she picks a fight and you know she's just doing it to fight, then you counter by throwing everything you possibly can at her. she's launching an attack and expecting you to roll over so she can placate her fucking female ego. you respond with the wrath of god. then when it's all done and the smoke clears, you pick a random fight with her as soon as it's done. fight back guys or she'll always have your balls in her purse.
65. The most painless way to end an argument: Let her win.
then return to the ocean like the spineless jellyfish you've become you pansy. fight back and be a man.
64. An online dating service’s survey found that a woman’s ideal man has brown hair and blue eyes.
how nice for them.
63. In the U.S., 21 percent of women ages 18 to 59 hold out for their honeymoon.
in the U.S., 21 percent of women are fucking lairs. or are convinced oral doesn't count.
62. A British study claims a woman’s chances of getting married drop by 40 percent for every 16-point rise in her IQ. The same increase in IQ for a man boosted his chances of getting married by 35 percent.
that makes no sense. how the hell do you even measure something like that?
61. When a woman tells you her problems, she does not want you to offer solutions.
when a man offers you solutions, he does not want to hear your problems.
60. Women often cite manhandling of breasts as the biggest foreplay faux pas.
too bad. those things are neat. c'mon ladies we don't ask much, just let us pet the kittens and we're all right.
59. “When I’m drunk, I can’t come. Not even with a vibrator.”—Lauren, 35
that ain't our problem. we're going to get ours. sorry honey.
58. If they're going to do it, most wives cheat between the ages of 18 and 29.
hmmm.... yup, yup, yup and yup. i agree.
57. Most women think they’re better drivers than they are. Don’t point this out while she’s at the wheel or she’ll freak and crash.
how comforting.
56. Women ingest about half the lipstick they apply, which means they eat approximately one to three sticks per year.
ewwwww....
54. A woman might say she just wants sex, but sleep with her for a while and she’ll change her tune. “I’ve known so many women who think they can pull this off, but they always develop feelings for the guy,” says Evie, 22.
suckers.
53. According to the American Association of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery, Angelina Jolie’s lips were the most requested celebrity feature among all female patients in 2004.
the most requested among guys as well.
52. Despite always complimenting another woman’s short haircut, she secretly celebrates having one less competitor, since men prefer long hair.
agreed. funny thing is, the 2 girls i was most in love with both had really short hair when we first hooked up. i gotta stay away from short haired chicks.
51. Don’t call her “cute.” In her mind it’s the same as “not vomit-inducing.” “Sexy,” OK. “Hot,” yes. “Fucking awesome,” only if she’s at least slightly buzzed.
geez, sorry miss sensitive.
50. Women often buy shoes a size or two small because they’re in denial about the size of their feet—which they can’t stand.
cry me a freaking river.
49. They dream of one day peeing in a urinal.
ain't happening, sorry gals.
48. Women know where they stand looks-wise but worry about being considered cool, about which they’re unsure.
welcome to fragile-self-image-ville.... population.... all the women on the planet.
47. According to the U.S. Bureau of Statistics, 23 percent of 18- to 34-year-old women live with their parents, versus 31 percent of you losers.
ok let's get something straight. a fact that chicks don't like to acknowledge. careers at this point are still an OPTION for women. with a few exceptions you all always have the option of getting married and living off a guy for the rest of your life. don't get me wrong, my best friends wives are stay at home moms and i love them both like sisters, i'm not saying it's a bad thing. i'm just saying that it's fucked up that society makes no judgements on women who either live with their parents or are married and stay home versus a guy who lives with his parents.
46. Women want to talk dirty, but they’re afraid you won’t respect them in the morning. Reassure her that letting go in bed doesn’t make her less classy and she’ll probably go wild. Jäger helps.
well of COURSE i'll still respect you after you call me daddy and tell me to spank you like the filthy girl you are..... *snicker*
45. Twenty-three percent of this magazine’s readers are women.
great gals all of them.
44. A psycho jealous girl will do anything to keep her man—including anal.
god bless those girls too.
41. If she suddenly cuts her hair short, it might mean she no longer cares what you think of her. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about someone else’s opinion.
and you girls wonder why guys are so apathetic about what the hell you wear or your hair and shit.
40. About half of all brides will lose a good friend over a ridiculous bridesmaid squabble.
pathetic.
39. It never hurts to say you're sorry, even if you don't mean it.
it hurts even less to not say anything.
38. Let her beat you at something once in a while—poker, chess, Ping-Pong—and she’ll be more likely to give you what you want, like some peace and quiet.
so once again we're supposed to accept being bullied into flushing our pride down the john. yeah i'm going to go with FUCK THAT.
37. Women’s public bathrooms are about three times more disgusting than men’s.
there's a reason why..... keep reading.....
36. “At one point or another, I’ve gone through your things looking for any evidence from past relationships. I’m talking photographs, postcards, mementos, address books, diaries. If you don’t like it, get rid of this stuff before letting me in your apartment. It’s not about trust; it’s about curiosity, and it drives us crazy till it’s been satiated.”—Caroline, 28
so once again your crazy bat-shit behavior is all MY fault. nice.
35. Like you, girls hate nothing more than a clingy partner who needs them every eight seconds.
then don't date closet gay men.
34. Chick rock strikes a deeply primal chord inside women while simultaneously revolting men. Just sit back and let her sing the Sarah McLachlan or Ani DiFranco song. It’s only about four minutes long.
or give her some fucking headphones. fuck your music.
33. The average woman owns eight bras and wears each one five times before washing. Shasta!
are you trying to gross us out? we're GUYS. we do shit like turning our underwear inside-out to get another day's use out of them.
32. Girls will not sit on any toilet outside their own home or a five-star hotel. Everywhere else they’re hovering above the toilet in a squat.
does #37 make sense now?
31. Got a new girl coming over? Your (tidy) bathroom should include clean linen, a box of Puffs Plus, and several full rolls of TP.
puffs plus? should we get some tampons too?
30. “Don’t caress our faces while we’re kissing, unless you really, really, really like us.”—Rachel, 21
uh, ok.
29. On a first date, women never order what they really want to eat.
just eat what you order then. we honestly care more about that than how MUCH you eat.
28. Breast augmentation surgery has grown by 257 percent since 1997. The most popular size? C-cup. As if you didn’t know.
didn't know, don't care. real or fake make shit difference to me and to most guys so don't try and pull that "we're doing it for YOU" shit.
27. Gain her trust when you’re out by calling her at 10 P.M. She’ll go to bed content you’re thinking of her, even if you’re slurping Jell-O shots off some skank’s cleavage.
yeah right. how stupid do you think we are?
26. Put down the Drakkar and grab a box of Good & Plenty. Women are turned on by the scent of black licorice.
look honey, i rubbed CANDY all over myself!!!! giggity giggity giggity!!!!
25. At least one of her friends wants to sleep with you.
point her out and we'll make that lucky gal's dreams come true. bow chicka bow wow!!!!
24. A good but flawed man is a fixer-upper gem, and women love nothing more than home improvements.
and on the off chance you aren't that flawed, she'll find something to change in you. if you let her.
23. Every woman is self-conscious about her ass. Tell her you love her ass and you’ll see it more often.
does spanking it a lot work?
22. If you want more sex, tell your girl an attractive woman hit on you that day. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.
failing that, break out the sex panther. i gotta tell ya, that smells like pure gasoline.
21. More than half of surveyed females between 18 and 25 would prefer to be run over by a truck than be fat.
the other half broke the truck and ended up fat.
20. All women think they’re smarter than their partners in some significant way.
hee hee. silly girls.
19. The more piercings she has, the more places she’ll let you put it.
so according to this list, find a girl who's scared stiff of losing you and with tons of piercings and you're on the road to back-door-loving.
18. Once in a while, let her pick the movie and don't complain about it.
nah.
17. Any good woman will tell ya, honesty is not always the best policy.
till she catches you in a lie. then suddenly she can't trust you.... blah blah blah.....
16. Chicks aren’t afraid to get kinky; you just have to have the nerve to ask.
but remember, like Chris Rock says, your woman will do any nasty dirty skanky thing you want but you gotta come correct. none of this, "eh eh eh excuse me..... eh eh.... i have a request... eh eh eh.... would you eh... lick my balls?" otherwise you get, "WHAT!?!? lick your own damn balls!!" so guys make sure you ask proper.
15. Girls don’t want to date doormats. So make her proud and refuse to give up bowling night with the guys.
so she can stay home eat ice cream and cry waiting for you while she sets up a few charges of emotional C4 that she'll detonate the second you get home. lose-lose fellas.
14. Don't take a woman to a concert you really want to see—she'll just want to leave early.
translate to jimmy-talk: ditch the bitch.
13. “Women appreciate a big penis, but having one doesn’t give you an excuse to suck at foreplay.”—Elena, 28
yeah? well guys love big tits, but having them doesn't give you an excuse to not give head.
12. Studies show women are more attracted to “macho” guys near ovulation. The rest of the month, they’re drawn to “good providers,” otherwise known as chumps.
so just leave it in "macho mode" take what you can get while she's ovulating, and the rest of the time you get to keep your fucking dignity.
11. She likes one of your friends.
if he's my friend then you don't have a chance in hell honey. if he isn't, he's a dead man. plain and simple. bros before hoes.
10. Ugly girls like to hang out with pretty girls because it makes them feel like they're more attractive. Pretty girls hang out with ugly girls for the same reason.
you're all the same when the lights go out.
9. The minute she decides she’s even mildly interested in you, she starts making mental pictures of what your kids would look like and imagining her first name with your last.
gee, why are guys so afraid of commitment?
8. Sixty percent of women in the United States color their hair, according to L’Oréal (who are obviously hoping they can peer-pressure the other 40 percent).
popular color? i'm betting blonde.
7. Dated a stripper? Keep your mouth shut, stupid.
duh.
6. Rub a sheet of medium-grade sandpaper across your face. That’s your five o’clock shadow when you kiss her. Now rub that sandpaper on your inner thigh. (Mind you, we’re not suggesting you shave.)
we know, we just like giving you something legit to bitch about once in a while.
5. Female serial killers tend to use poison rather than guns or knives.
comforting.
4. Foghat’s “Slow Ride” is not about a trip in the car. Get the hint?
Nine Inch Nail's "Closer" isn't about a trip to the zoo. get the hint?
3. The one breakup line she’ll never be able to argue you out of: “I’m sorry, but I no longer have feelings for you.”
yeah right.
2. Buying a present for your girl? She’ll hate it (and you) if she finds out you took along another woman to help pick it out.
excuuuuuse us for asking for advice from someone who might know what to get you.
1. You'll probably never know how many guys she's slept with. The standard lie is five. Which really means about 12.
once again, we don't care. as long as we're the only ones you're sleeping with NOW.
i found this on maxim.com
100 things guys need to know about women. time to add jimmy comments to it to spice it up.
100 list in italics, my comments in bold.
100. Girls enjoy always having something kind of wrong, like a headache or cramping or something. Remember: No matter how bad it sounds, she’s going to outlive you.
yeah, that's cuz they use underhanded tactics like playing sick in order to suck the life out of us.
99. Most women will not have sex for the first time with a guy unless their legs are shaved. If your date shows up and you spot stubble, she’s trying to keep herself in line.
if i can SPOT stubble then that shit must be thick as hell. which means she skipped more than a couple days.
98. No matter how much she reassures you, if you can’t get a hard-on she assumes you’re not attracted to her.
then maybe she needs to use her mouth for something other than "reassurance" to get things going.
97. Beware of your girlfriend's single party friend or gay bud. They want her to be single with them and will encourage any bad behavior as often as possible.
this is where preemptive strikes come into play.
96. Jewelry. Now you always know what to get her for a last-minute gift.
great, last-minute gift ideas that are never cheap.
95. The sight of you in your socks and underwear is the biggest turnoff in the world.
oh yeah, and gals wearing plain old white underwear and granny panties isn't?
94. Never trust a girl who has no girlfriends. She doesn’t get along with other women because she’s either bat-shit crazy or just plain mean.
plus it means she's got nobody to hang with giving you time to yourself or time with your boys. trust me on this one, being able to send her off with her friends will keep you both more happy.
93. Girls who say, “I love sports!” are lying. Girls who ask you what time the game is on, without specifying which game they’re talking about, are not.
eh..... i don't buy this one. my last 2 girlfriends both loved NASCAR. and specifying a game might mean they track more than one team/league/sport.
92. A random hookup is more likely to result in pregnancy, because a woman has more sex when she’s most fertile.
nice to know. so fellas, make sure you wrap it if you're banging a chick who's cheating on her boyfriend/husband. i know i did.
91. She still has all the love letters and cards from her past boyfriends.
aw how sweet. i guarantee they and I don't have a damn thing she sent.
90. Just started dating? Women want you to drive, even if it’s their car.
hey great. like i needed permission. unless it's in the shop i'm the one driving anyway and unless i trust you completely you ain't touching my baby. (the list of people i've let drive my car is VERY short)
89. A girl would prefer to get a $100 gift from Tiffany & Co. than a $500 gift from Fortunoff. Why? Because her friends will ask where she got it.
sorry but i have no clue what those places are. cheaper gift good.
88. “If I give you my number on Friday, Tuesday and Wednesday are your best bets to score a date. Monday is too desperate, Thursday is too late.”—Claire, 27
and never is "go fuck yourself honey, i don't jump thru hoops for any dame."
87. Your female coworkers are obsessed with the fact that on average they receive less pay than male counterparts—and the fact that they work less overtime and get pregnant is irrelevant to the discussion.
naturally. because facts and common sense just can't be used to argue with a woman. we accept it.
86. Laying a towel down over the wet spot is like putting your jacket over a mud puddle for her, you noble bastard.
fine whatever. just shut up already.
85. A recent study revealed that natural blondes could be extinct in 200 years, so unless she’s Norwegian, her towhead might be bottled.
a recent survey of a supermarket shows that bleach and hair-coloring are still sold and show no signs of going extinct. recent trends indicate women continue to be shallow and vain where their appearance in concerned. so long story short, who gives a fuck?
84. Sixteen percent of American men have been with a prostitute—scientific proof most women are decent in bed.
wrong. reality check will tell you that 90%-95% of men have. because while you may not pay in cash, you're going to pay. don't bullshit yourself guys, you're going to pay one way or another to get sex. the question is, do you want to pay in the form of time/money spent on dates..... time spent "getting to know her"..... etc..... on the CHANCE she might give it up. or just cut to the chase and get some guaranteed sex?
83. Women always want to believe what you’re saying is true.
HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! no wait.... let me catch my breath. *whew* HA HA HA HA!!!!!!
82. What do women really want in bed? More blankets. They get colder than men.
gotcha.
81. The threesome is not about you; it’s about the two girls. If you’re lucky enough to score one with your girlfriend, enjoy sex with the other one because there’s a good chance it’ll end the relationship.
relationships come and go, but a visit to the threefold kingdom is magical and wonderful. trust me, nothing can take that away from you.
80. If women have an excuse to take a pill, they’ll take it.
ok..... that was random.....
79. Never trust the woman who gives you the best blow job you’ve ever had.
translation: she didn't get mad skillz working the mic from the fruit and vegetable section. 37?
78. “I hate when my boyfriend is sweaty and tries to lie down on top of me or cuddle after I’ve come. Wait five minutes.”—Erin, 21
i'm calling bullshit on this one. back me up on this one guys, when we're done the deed our asses are asleep. sorry Erin, your boyfriend is a real closet case.
77. The average woman kisses 79 men before getting married.
in a row?
76. She hates your Xbox more than she lets on. Blow her off for some gaming and she’ll soon stop wasting time on a dork like you.
i hate her arts and crafts more than i complain about. keep it up and i'll blow you off for some gaming.
75. Women who are obsessed with their dogs also like to keep their men on a short leash.
yet another reason i'm a cat person.
74. “Girls who buy their men lap dances and pretend to enjoy it are kidding themselves. They’re trying to keep him happy with some controlled freedom.”—Suzy, 31
they're also gullible as fucking hell. you think YOU'RE the only one buying his lap dances? you think he only goes to the strip club with YOU? silly girl.
73. Over the course of her life, a woman will use 10 men for every one she loves. If you lent her your car or helped her move and didn't get laid, you're one of the 10.
suckers. ah who am i kidding, i've been played like a fucking piano more than once or twice without a payoff for my troubles. i really wanted to tap those asses too. damn you hormones!!!!
72. During emergencies, women are likely to remain calmer than men. Though it should be noted that inventing minor crises on a weekly basis gives them more practice.
have you ever BEEN in an emergency??
71. “Women grow hairs in a lot of the same places that men do—lower abdomen, nipples—we just get rid of them.”—Katie, 26
that's just gross. i'm not ashamed to admit i'm pretty shallow when it comes to hair. i see it on her lip or anywhere besides the top of her head or downstairs (even then it better be short supply down there) and i'm gone. call me whatever you like.
70. Unless they’re lesbians, she won’t approve of your hanging out with other girls. Even if they’re ugly. And, really, even if they’re lesbians.
and really she's insecure and will probably push her man into banging as many of them as he can just for pissing him off.
69. If you have something to hide, she’ll find it.
the hell she will. you'll never be privy to all our secrets ladies. get over it. it's ok that we don't share every fuckin aspect of our lives with you.
68. Eighty-five: The number of males per 100 females in Gary, Indiana, lowest male-to-female ratio of any city with a population of 100,000-plus. The highest male-to-female ratio is in Salinas, California: 114 males for every 100 females.
ITT Tech in San Antonio: 10 females for every 100 males. of those, 4 are bangable.
67. Kiss her before two dates have gone by or you’ll be “friended.”
bang her before 3 dates or you'll be whipped as a puppy when she finally gives it up.
66. They can't live without tension. Every once in a while she's gonna pick a fight with you for no reason. Accept this as a running, inevitable theme and your relationship will make a lot more sense.
gentlemen pay attention: this will happen ONLY IF YOU LET IT!!!! fuck her and her drama. if she picks a fight and you know she's just doing it to fight, then you counter by throwing everything you possibly can at her. she's launching an attack and expecting you to roll over so she can placate her fucking female ego. you respond with the wrath of god. then when it's all done and the smoke clears, you pick a random fight with her as soon as it's done. fight back guys or she'll always have your balls in her purse.
65. The most painless way to end an argument: Let her win.
then return to the ocean like the spineless jellyfish you've become you pansy. fight back and be a man.
64. An online dating service’s survey found that a woman’s ideal man has brown hair and blue eyes.
how nice for them.
63. In the U.S., 21 percent of women ages 18 to 59 hold out for their honeymoon.
in the U.S., 21 percent of women are fucking lairs. or are convinced oral doesn't count.
62. A British study claims a woman’s chances of getting married drop by 40 percent for every 16-point rise in her IQ. The same increase in IQ for a man boosted his chances of getting married by 35 percent.
that makes no sense. how the hell do you even measure something like that?
61. When a woman tells you her problems, she does not want you to offer solutions.
when a man offers you solutions, he does not want to hear your problems.
60. Women often cite manhandling of breasts as the biggest foreplay faux pas.
too bad. those things are neat. c'mon ladies we don't ask much, just let us pet the kittens and we're all right.
59. “When I’m drunk, I can’t come. Not even with a vibrator.”—Lauren, 35
that ain't our problem. we're going to get ours. sorry honey.
58. If they're going to do it, most wives cheat between the ages of 18 and 29.
hmmm.... yup, yup, yup and yup. i agree.
57. Most women think they’re better drivers than they are. Don’t point this out while she’s at the wheel or she’ll freak and crash.
how comforting.
56. Women ingest about half the lipstick they apply, which means they eat approximately one to three sticks per year.
ewwwww....
54. A woman might say she just wants sex, but sleep with her for a while and she’ll change her tune. “I’ve known so many women who think they can pull this off, but they always develop feelings for the guy,” says Evie, 22.
suckers.
53. According to the American Association of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery, Angelina Jolie’s lips were the most requested celebrity feature among all female patients in 2004.
the most requested among guys as well.
52. Despite always complimenting another woman’s short haircut, she secretly celebrates having one less competitor, since men prefer long hair.
agreed. funny thing is, the 2 girls i was most in love with both had really short hair when we first hooked up. i gotta stay away from short haired chicks.
51. Don’t call her “cute.” In her mind it’s the same as “not vomit-inducing.” “Sexy,” OK. “Hot,” yes. “Fucking awesome,” only if she’s at least slightly buzzed.
geez, sorry miss sensitive.
50. Women often buy shoes a size or two small because they’re in denial about the size of their feet—which they can’t stand.
cry me a freaking river.
49. They dream of one day peeing in a urinal.
ain't happening, sorry gals.
48. Women know where they stand looks-wise but worry about being considered cool, about which they’re unsure.
welcome to fragile-self-image-ville.... population.... all the women on the planet.
47. According to the U.S. Bureau of Statistics, 23 percent of 18- to 34-year-old women live with their parents, versus 31 percent of you losers.
ok let's get something straight. a fact that chicks don't like to acknowledge. careers at this point are still an OPTION for women. with a few exceptions you all always have the option of getting married and living off a guy for the rest of your life. don't get me wrong, my best friends wives are stay at home moms and i love them both like sisters, i'm not saying it's a bad thing. i'm just saying that it's fucked up that society makes no judgements on women who either live with their parents or are married and stay home versus a guy who lives with his parents.
46. Women want to talk dirty, but they’re afraid you won’t respect them in the morning. Reassure her that letting go in bed doesn’t make her less classy and she’ll probably go wild. Jäger helps.
well of COURSE i'll still respect you after you call me daddy and tell me to spank you like the filthy girl you are..... *snicker*
45. Twenty-three percent of this magazine’s readers are women.
great gals all of them.
44. A psycho jealous girl will do anything to keep her man—including anal.
god bless those girls too.
41. If she suddenly cuts her hair short, it might mean she no longer cares what you think of her. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about someone else’s opinion.
and you girls wonder why guys are so apathetic about what the hell you wear or your hair and shit.
40. About half of all brides will lose a good friend over a ridiculous bridesmaid squabble.
pathetic.
39. It never hurts to say you're sorry, even if you don't mean it.
it hurts even less to not say anything.
38. Let her beat you at something once in a while—poker, chess, Ping-Pong—and she’ll be more likely to give you what you want, like some peace and quiet.
so once again we're supposed to accept being bullied into flushing our pride down the john. yeah i'm going to go with FUCK THAT.
37. Women’s public bathrooms are about three times more disgusting than men’s.
there's a reason why..... keep reading.....
36. “At one point or another, I’ve gone through your things looking for any evidence from past relationships. I’m talking photographs, postcards, mementos, address books, diaries. If you don’t like it, get rid of this stuff before letting me in your apartment. It’s not about trust; it’s about curiosity, and it drives us crazy till it’s been satiated.”—Caroline, 28
so once again your crazy bat-shit behavior is all MY fault. nice.
35. Like you, girls hate nothing more than a clingy partner who needs them every eight seconds.
then don't date closet gay men.
34. Chick rock strikes a deeply primal chord inside women while simultaneously revolting men. Just sit back and let her sing the Sarah McLachlan or Ani DiFranco song. It’s only about four minutes long.
or give her some fucking headphones. fuck your music.
33. The average woman owns eight bras and wears each one five times before washing. Shasta!
are you trying to gross us out? we're GUYS. we do shit like turning our underwear inside-out to get another day's use out of them.
32. Girls will not sit on any toilet outside their own home or a five-star hotel. Everywhere else they’re hovering above the toilet in a squat.
does #37 make sense now?
31. Got a new girl coming over? Your (tidy) bathroom should include clean linen, a box of Puffs Plus, and several full rolls of TP.
puffs plus? should we get some tampons too?
30. “Don’t caress our faces while we’re kissing, unless you really, really, really like us.”—Rachel, 21
uh, ok.
29. On a first date, women never order what they really want to eat.
just eat what you order then. we honestly care more about that than how MUCH you eat.
28. Breast augmentation surgery has grown by 257 percent since 1997. The most popular size? C-cup. As if you didn’t know.
didn't know, don't care. real or fake make shit difference to me and to most guys so don't try and pull that "we're doing it for YOU" shit.
27. Gain her trust when you’re out by calling her at 10 P.M. She’ll go to bed content you’re thinking of her, even if you’re slurping Jell-O shots off some skank’s cleavage.
yeah right. how stupid do you think we are?
26. Put down the Drakkar and grab a box of Good & Plenty. Women are turned on by the scent of black licorice.
look honey, i rubbed CANDY all over myself!!!! giggity giggity giggity!!!!
25. At least one of her friends wants to sleep with you.
point her out and we'll make that lucky gal's dreams come true. bow chicka bow wow!!!!
24. A good but flawed man is a fixer-upper gem, and women love nothing more than home improvements.
and on the off chance you aren't that flawed, she'll find something to change in you. if you let her.
23. Every woman is self-conscious about her ass. Tell her you love her ass and you’ll see it more often.
does spanking it a lot work?
22. If you want more sex, tell your girl an attractive woman hit on you that day. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.
failing that, break out the sex panther. i gotta tell ya, that smells like pure gasoline.
21. More than half of surveyed females between 18 and 25 would prefer to be run over by a truck than be fat.
the other half broke the truck and ended up fat.
20. All women think they’re smarter than their partners in some significant way.
hee hee. silly girls.
19. The more piercings she has, the more places she’ll let you put it.
so according to this list, find a girl who's scared stiff of losing you and with tons of piercings and you're on the road to back-door-loving.
18. Once in a while, let her pick the movie and don't complain about it.
nah.
17. Any good woman will tell ya, honesty is not always the best policy.
till she catches you in a lie. then suddenly she can't trust you.... blah blah blah.....
16. Chicks aren’t afraid to get kinky; you just have to have the nerve to ask.
but remember, like Chris Rock says, your woman will do any nasty dirty skanky thing you want but you gotta come correct. none of this, "eh eh eh excuse me..... eh eh.... i have a request... eh eh eh.... would you eh... lick my balls?" otherwise you get, "WHAT!?!? lick your own damn balls!!" so guys make sure you ask proper.
15. Girls don’t want to date doormats. So make her proud and refuse to give up bowling night with the guys.
so she can stay home eat ice cream and cry waiting for you while she sets up a few charges of emotional C4 that she'll detonate the second you get home. lose-lose fellas.
14. Don't take a woman to a concert you really want to see—she'll just want to leave early.
translate to jimmy-talk: ditch the bitch.
13. “Women appreciate a big penis, but having one doesn’t give you an excuse to suck at foreplay.”—Elena, 28
yeah? well guys love big tits, but having them doesn't give you an excuse to not give head.
12. Studies show women are more attracted to “macho” guys near ovulation. The rest of the month, they’re drawn to “good providers,” otherwise known as chumps.
so just leave it in "macho mode" take what you can get while she's ovulating, and the rest of the time you get to keep your fucking dignity.
11. She likes one of your friends.
if he's my friend then you don't have a chance in hell honey. if he isn't, he's a dead man. plain and simple. bros before hoes.
10. Ugly girls like to hang out with pretty girls because it makes them feel like they're more attractive. Pretty girls hang out with ugly girls for the same reason.
you're all the same when the lights go out.
9. The minute she decides she’s even mildly interested in you, she starts making mental pictures of what your kids would look like and imagining her first name with your last.
gee, why are guys so afraid of commitment?
8. Sixty percent of women in the United States color their hair, according to L’Oréal (who are obviously hoping they can peer-pressure the other 40 percent).
popular color? i'm betting blonde.
7. Dated a stripper? Keep your mouth shut, stupid.
duh.
6. Rub a sheet of medium-grade sandpaper across your face. That’s your five o’clock shadow when you kiss her. Now rub that sandpaper on your inner thigh. (Mind you, we’re not suggesting you shave.)
we know, we just like giving you something legit to bitch about once in a while.
5. Female serial killers tend to use poison rather than guns or knives.
comforting.
4. Foghat’s “Slow Ride” is not about a trip in the car. Get the hint?
Nine Inch Nail's "Closer" isn't about a trip to the zoo. get the hint?
3. The one breakup line she’ll never be able to argue you out of: “I’m sorry, but I no longer have feelings for you.”
yeah right.
2. Buying a present for your girl? She’ll hate it (and you) if she finds out you took along another woman to help pick it out.
excuuuuuse us for asking for advice from someone who might know what to get you.
1. You'll probably never know how many guys she's slept with. The standard lie is five. Which really means about 12.
once again, we don't care. as long as we're the only ones you're sleeping with NOW.
Monday, February 04, 2008
Picture story
this is....
(a) very creative
(b) confusing as all hell
(c) awesome
(d) FUCKED UP
(e) all of the above
i pick "e"
(a) very creative
(b) confusing as all hell
(c) awesome
(d) FUCKED UP
(e) all of the above
i pick "e"
Friday, February 01, 2008
Firearms
Saw this online. I like it.
FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE
'Those who hammer their guns into plows
will plow for those who do not.'
~ Thomas Jefferson
1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
3. Colt: The original point and click interface.
4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
7. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
8. If you don't know your rights, you don't have any.
9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
10. The United States Constitution (c)1791. All Rights Reserved.
11. What part of 'shall not be infringed' do you not understand?
12. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.
13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
14. Guns only have two enemies; rust and politicians.
15. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.
16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
17. 911: Government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.
18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
19. Criminals love gun control; it makes their jobs safer.
20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.
22. You have only the rights you are willing to fight for.
23. Enforce the gun control laws we ALREADY have; don't make more.
24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
25. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.
FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE
'Those who hammer their guns into plows
will plow for those who do not.'
~ Thomas Jefferson
1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
3. Colt: The original point and click interface.
4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
7. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
8. If you don't know your rights, you don't have any.
9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
10. The United States Constitution (c)1791. All Rights Reserved.
11. What part of 'shall not be infringed' do you not understand?
12. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.
13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
14. Guns only have two enemies; rust and politicians.
15. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.
16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
17. 911: Government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.
18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
19. Criminals love gun control; it makes their jobs safer.
20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.
22. You have only the rights you are willing to fight for.
23. Enforce the gun control laws we ALREADY have; don't make more.
24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
25. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)